2013 KSK NFL Prekkake: Detroit Lions

08.28.13 4 years ago 19 Comments


Last year: 4-12, last place in NFC North

Acquisitions: Reggie Bush, Ezekiel Ansah, Glover Quin, Darius Slay, Israel Idonije, David Akers

Departures: Cliff Avril, Kyle Vanden Bosch, Jason Hanson, Titus Young, Gosder Cherilus

Vegas win total over/under: 8 wins

Verdict: PUSH


Five bonding activities for Lions players and racial slur buddies, Louis Delmas and Tony Scheffler:

– Each telling members of their race that the other is “one of the good ones”.

– Scheffler using the word “niggardly” then giggling.

– Delmas having to do a lot of explaining when Scheffler is heard using a slur by a black person other than him.

– Starting a tag team called The Post Racials.

– Making fun of Hispanics and Asians.

Fan forecast by Detroit4lyfe:

I want to start by saying that I’m so glad there’s going to be new Eminem music as Lions games cut to commercials this year. I haven’t heard it yet, but I believe berzerk goes a little something like this:

Now this season’s ’bout to kick off, this team looks wack
Let’s take it straight to two-hand touch or flag – a sack!
I’m ’bout to bloody this preview up, everybody get back
That’s why my keys need a board cause my words on the Ma-hac
ack, just like addiction, I’m a masochist
Like Megatron, a d-back turned to sad witness
Got ’em still in the playoffs ready to pick it
But quick pop off the koolaid I’m ready to drink it
Sick I’m looking blue, Honolulu, can’t fix it
‘Bout to go Titus, ya Bush, shout out to Jahvid
Lets bring it back to that vintage back, Barry!
The art of running mixed with pass and d-fend
And I don’t mean Marinelli’s friend, switch!
Been Jim Schwartz since we bought shorts for gym, itch!

Yeah, just like that.

So, anyway, the Lions play a lot of games vs. 2012 playoff teams (7) this season and are currently faced with what’s being called the second hardest schedule in the NFL. But I don’t think their schedule is that daunting.

They start and finish the season against Christian Ponder at home and Ponder’s inevitable replacement on the road, respectively, get Washington early enough that RGIII may still not be 100%, and play the Packers and Ravens on the national stage, at home. Their other tough games that scare me, not counting divisional match ups and every other game – Cinci, Dallas, Tampa Bay & NYG – are all at home.

Look, I don’t know, but I do know that the last time the Lions drubbed New England and made Tom Brady look goofy during the preseason, they went on to make the playoffs. Things work like that, right? And after last year’s 4-12 finish, which consisted of several heartbreakers, I’d happily take another first round humping in New Orleans, and I am not talking about upstairs at Hustler. … Okay, I am.

Of course, how far the Lions go rests (gently) on the throwing arm of Matthew Stafford, who will have to improve his completion percentage, sidearm or not. Stafford didn’t get much help last year with every wide receiver not named Megatron getting hurt, but he’s the main catalyst to the Lions bouncing back.

I have a friend whose buddies theorize that Stafford plays better the fatter he looks on TV during pre-game. Muscle may weigh more than fat, but just looking fat can apparently help you throw for 5,000 yards and 40 touchdowns. Seriously, Stafford probably has less body fat than most internet commenters who call him fat, and I know this because I ate Waffle House with him at 2am over the summer, but for the sake of believing in crazy suppositions, for the dying Lions fans who have never seen a winner, for the ‘Eat ‘Em Up, Lions’ guy who died recently and will watch this season in hobo heaven, let’s just hope Stafford looks fat as fuck every Sunday at 12:47 p.m. when FOX shows him warming up on the split screen.

Eat ’em up, Lions, eat ’em up.

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