2013 KSK NFL Prekkake: Kansas City Chiefs

08.22.13 4 years ago 68 Comments

(via Getty Image)

Last year: 2-14, last place in AFC West

Acquisitions: Alex Smith, Eric Fisher, Donnie Avery, A.J. Jenkins, Anthony Fasano, Dunta Robinson

Departures: Matt Cassel, Eric Winston, Ryan Lilja, Glenn Dorsey, Jonathan Baldwin, Austen Lane, Peyton Hillis

Vegas win total over/under: 7 1/2 wins

Verdict: OVER


Five things that were popular the last time the Chiefs won a game with a QB they drafted:

– The USSR.

– Head shots in football/hitting defenseless receivers.

Dirty Dancing no. 2 at the box office

– Los Lobos “La Bamba” no. 1 song in America

– Big hair in Kansas City, then as now.

Fan forecast, by kommenter Otto Man:

Hello, there, I’m Otto Man. You may remember me from previous Chiefs prekakkes such as They Came To Burgle Hank Stram’s Toupée and Lose Your Way Into the Playoffs!

As two or three of you may remember, in our last installment, I offered a long and depressing take on the few highs, the many lows, and the rich creamy middles of the tragical history of being a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs. At the merciful end of that post, I stopped looking over the tattered remains of the franchise’s past and looked stupidly into the future like a mildly-retarded golden retriever enjoying the car ride to his own neutering:

It can’t be worse, right? (That phrase really might as well be our motto. I’d put it in Latin, but we all know that in Kansas City anything Latin winds up catching for the Royals.)

It can’t be worse, right? And yet it usually is.

And lo and behold, it truly was.

The 2011 season that I complained about last year was a true testament to mediocrity, with Boss Todd leading the team to a mediocre 7-9 record and a craptacular last-place record in the AFC West. But after the abysmal season my team had in 2012, the Todd Haley era actually looks good in comparison. (Yeah, that’s right. I said it.) The Chiefs sharted out a 2-14 record, tying the worst performance in franchise history and, worse, tying the teal-and-leopard print tarted-up whores of the Jacksonville Jaguars for the worst performance of the 2012 season.

How bad was our season last year? Well, we had a player commit suicide in the stadium parking lot in front of the coach. Your move, bitchy Browns fans.

Statistically, the Chiefs were the worst team overall in 2012, which gave us the alleged consolation prize of securing the first pick in the NFL draft for the first time in our entire team’s history. Of course, this being Kansas City, the year we finally “earned” that prize was the one year it didn’t seem to mean anything. For years decades now, we’ve been searching for a franchise quarterback and we all know there’s been no better route to that in recent years than the top pick in the draft. The Panthers scored a media-shy superhero with the top pick in 2011, and in 2012 there was enough elite talent at the position for the Colts and the R-Words to come away with top talents. But 2013? Meh. Nothing but offensive linemen as far as the eye could see. Yippee.

Speaking of morbidly obese white guys, the Chiefs did have one bright spot in the acquisition of new head coach Andy Reid. I know the Eagles fans wanted to throw him away harder than a D-Cell battery at a halftime Santa, but he’s actually a significant upgrade for this team. (An upgrade in every way except for body weight, of course. Godspeed, Romeo Crennel, and good luck on the Midwestern Competitive Eating circuit.) Reid may not have won it all yet, but he’s actually found his way into the playoffs enough times to make me think he has some sort of pork-based incentive program in his contract. The Chiefs, meanwhile, haven’t been to the postseason in twenty years, leading many Kansans to assume that the playoffs are just another East Coast myth like evolution and gay rights.

Our other new arrival is another castaway, former San Francisco 49er Alex Smith. While he had certain attributes that aging fucknuts sportswriters admire, like a lack of tattoos, Smith never seemed to come through in secondary job categories like passing, scoring and winning. So, naturally, we wanted him. There’s a lot of talk these days about how this season is going to be a moment of redemption for Reid and Smith together, but the last time I saw this many notable has-beens and never-wases in one place, it was on The Surreal Life. The only difference this time is that the tiny hands don’t belong to Verne Troyer.

When you get down to the bottom of it all, our season really depends on Alex Smith.

(Re-reads what he just wrote. Sighs. Stares out into the middle distance numbly for a good five minutes.)

Anyway, at least the front office actually recognizes this, and has decided to help Smith out. We sent away amateur prize fighter Jon Baldwin and lured in perennial fantasy football sleeper coma patient Donnie Avery as well as relocated mob witness “Little” Anthony Fasano to help the passing game. In a novel effort to keep our quarterback upright, we’ve beefed up the O-line considerably? “You’ve got one left tackle? HA! We have two!” On the other side of the ball, our defense is suspiciously strong, especially at the corners and the Chiefs’ perennially strong position of Derrickbacker. That said, our defensive line really depends on how much ground Dontari Poe can cover (and how little ground beef he can consume).

As always, I’m cautiously optimistic that we can claw our way back to mediocrity. I mean, it can’t get any worse, right? Right?

Also, if you can find a way to use it, check out the graphic here of the last five years’ winning trend.


Appropriately, it’s giving me the finger.

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