We’ve seen our fair share of classic Craigslist car ads over the years — we’ll never forget you, poetic Jeep Wrangler that belongs in some sort of car poetry museum — but never before have we come across a 1997 Subaru Legacy covered in Nazi blood…UNTIL NOW. It’s the “Mona Lisa” of cars your lesbian mom might drive.
But you know who else would love this Legacy? “THE BITCHES.” Also, anyone with good taste.
HOLY SHIT THIS FUCKING CAR
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING CAR
IT’S A 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACK
BITCHES LOVE 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACKS (SOURCE: THE BITCHES)WHAT YOU THINK 2 WHEEL DRIVE IS ENOUGH FOR YOUR COMMUTE?
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE COMMUTING THROUGH AN APOCALYPTIC ZOMBIE HORDE
YOU CAN’T AFFORD A KEY LOSS OF TRACTION WHEN THE FLESH EATERS ARE BANGING ON YOUR REINFORCED GLASS WINDOWS
GOOD THING THIS SUBARU IS 4 FUCKING WHEEL DRIVETHIS CAR ROCKS AN AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION
SO IT’S FOR YOU CLASSY FUCKERS TOO BUSY BANGING THE PROM QUEEN TO WORRY ABOUT WORKING THE CLUTCHOH AND NEWSFLASH FUCKERS
IT’S WINTER
THIS IS MICHIGAN, HOMES, IT GETS COLD
NOBODY’S GOING TO WANT TO MAKE OUT IN A FUCKING NEON WITH BUSTED HEATLUCKILY THIS SUBARU HAS HEATED GODDAMNED SEATS SO WHILE YOU’RE FRENCH KISSING KATE UPTON (kate upton loves subarus) YOU’LL KEEP BOTH OF YOUR FINE ASSES TOASTY
THOR DIDN’T SLAY THE FROST GIANTS OF JOTUNHEIMR FOR YOU TO BE COLD ON THE WAY TO WORK
HE’D BE ALL LIKE, “NAY, PURCHASE THIS HORSELESS CHARIOT WITH HEATED SEATES”BUT LIKE, THOR HAD GOATS NOT HORSES
BUT YOU’LL BE ABLE TO DEBATE THE MERITS OF YOUR FAVORITE BEAST OF BURDEN WHILE BLASTING YOUR FAVORITE JAMZ OUT OF THESE UPGRADED SPEAKERS (kate upton loves upgraded speakers)AND OH YEAH
THIS BEAST HAS CRUISE CONTROL
TRULY, YOU ARE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DOMAINTHIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS DONE 180,000 MILES AND IS STILL GOING STRONG
I HEAR IF YOU BREAK 200,000 YOU GET TO ENTER YOUR INITIALS IN THE HIGH SCORE SCREEN
SURE IT GOT SOME DAMAGE WHEN I WAS TOKYO DRIFTING WITH VIN DIESEL, BUT THE DAMAGE IS 100% SUPERFICIAL. THE CAR WORKS SO FUCKING GOOD BECAUSE I SPENT A DRAGON’S HOARD WORTH OF GOLD TO REPLACE THE PARTS
THE ONLY REASON I’M GETTING RID OF IT IS BECAUSE I’M MOVING TO A FAR OFF LAND WHERE PUBLIC TRANSPORT IS A THINGBILL CLINTON WAS PRESIDENT BACK IN 1997 AND HE ABSOLUTELY SLAYED PUSSY
IF YOU BUY THIS 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACK YOU WILL TOO
BECAUSE THAT’S HOW LOGIC WORKSSO RISE, YOU BADASS NEW GOD, AND CLAIM YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE INSIDE THIS CAR
You’d be stupid NOT to.