It’s a special day in Flavortown — yes, even more special than “Wacky ‘N Wild Wings Wednesdays” — for on this day in 1968, Guy Fieri pushed his bulbous head out of his mother’s womb. And jalapeno poppers have never been the same since.
Celebrating the birthday of such an iconic figure in the culinary world of fried Oreos and bowling shirts is a task that requires not only precision, but an understanding of the man’s impact. Guy’s history with UPROXX is a long trail of panko-crusted douche gems, highlighting just one would be an exercise in bacon-wrapped futility.
In order to bring “maximum flavor” to Guy’s douchiest moments, I’ll be assigning each one a ranking after giving a little bit of backstory.
September 2012: Guy teams up with the Smash Mouth dude to release a rock ‘n roll cookbook.
Visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland and you’ll see Jimi Hendrix’s guitar and Michael Jackson’s sequined glove. Visit a random Reno, Nevada yard sale and what you might see is a cookbook by Guy Fieri and the guy from Smash Mouth on sale for $1.25. Full of “a unique fusion of delicious recipes, hilarious real-life road stories straight from The Mouth,” the cookbook also included Sammy Hagar, Jerome Bettis (Pittsburgh Steelers), and Michael Symon (Iron Chef, The Chew) contributing recipes that have all the diversity of a House of Blues bar menu, only with more puns. Douche ranking: 7
August 2012: Guy pins down a $100,000 appearance fee.
If you want Guy to personally show up at your BBQ with his honey habanero glazed cheese bites and hit on your girlfriend (which I’m just going to assume is part of the package) it’s gonna cost you. $100,000 to be exact. That’s how much Guy charged when asked to make a 60-minute appearance at the New York State Fair. Oh, there was also a fee of $1,500 for travel expenses. (The man has a lot of sunglasses and essential hair gel and baggage checking fees are pricey, people.) The question for future state fair planning committees is a simple one: Do the hard working people of your state deserve another lame high-diving pig or the most radical chef cable television has ever seen? I think you know the answer. Douche ranking: 10
March 2013: Guy strikes fear into the heart of Brooklyn hipsters.
Okay, Guy didn’t actually take part in this stunt, but it’s so good that to not include it would be an injustice. The fact that just a rumor of Guy Fieri opening a restaurant in Brooklyn has the power to bring so many skinny jeans-wearing men quivering to their knees is a true testament to his douchery. Douche ranking: 5.5
October 2013: Just like a “f**king d*ckhead,” Guy gets in a fight with his hairdresser.
Nothing puts a damper on a fun Saturday evening like getting into a fistfight with your hairdresser on a busy city street, am I right? If I had a fried mac-n-cheese ball for everytime that’s happened… Luckily, TMZ was on hand to capture the melee between Guy and his hairdresser Ariel Ramirez, with Ramirez unleashing all his fury on Guy, calling him a “f**king dickhead” and “f**king a**hole.” Guy’s rep later told TMZ that the fellas were just messing around and everybody is now cool again. Whew, *wipes sweat off brow* a rift in the Guytourage ain’t good for business. Douche ranking: 10
1968-present: Just a regular racist, homophobic jerk.
Problems with Jews, homosexuals and being the acting mob boss of a garlic mafia? Well, let me just refer you to Guy’s problems with Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives creator, David Page. Douche ranking: 10
Banner image via Getty