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A 101-Year Old Man Is Running For Office In Florida For The Best Reason Ever

By / 02.18.14
Angry old Florida man

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Having lived in Florida for the better (or technically worse) part of my life, I know to avoid any news about the state’s politics like it’s an alligator hopped up on bath salts with a shotgun in its mouth. But the story of a Sarasota gentleman named Joe Newman is scratching me in all the right places today, as he has declared that he will run for the state’s 16th Congressional District seat as a write-in candidate, because he’s ready to fight for the changes that he believes need to be made to fix our government. Also, Florida’s elections better come soon, because Ol’ Joe is 101-years old and might not make it to his inauguration.

So what exactly would this centenarian of change like to do differently if he’s elected to office? Please don’t be crazy, please don’t be crazy, please don’t be crazy…

He says age doesn’t have anything to do with it; it’s his obligation to step up and fight for the issues he believes in, like an increase in the minimum wage, and health care for all.

And he says he’s determined to battle his way all the way to Washington D.C. to help get America back on track.

So he’s going after the 16th Congressional District seat as a write in candidate. “I say write-in, because I want to feel free to criticize the Democrats or the Republicans.” (Via WWSB ABC 7)

YES! The old man actually wants to help people, which is something unheard of in Florida politics. Joe Newman for every office, I say.

All he has to do to start making a difference is defeat incumbent Vern Buchanan, whose name is so perfect for a politician that he might as well have a cheap suit grafted to his body. Buchanan is a Republican who has been serving the 16th district since 2007, but he’s most widely known for the many accusations of campaign fraud that he has faced. Of course, he has been cleared of all charges, despite many people coming forward to testify against him, but he’s still so well-known for his alleged corruption that just by Googling “CREW’s Most Corrupt,” you’re treated to a direct link to his profile.

Still, short of possessing photos of Buchanan dropping puppies into the ocean while engaged in a tantric orgy with dozens of hookers, Newman has his work cut out for him.

He says incumbent Vern Buchanan’s a powerful opponent. But he disagrees with him so strongly on some issues, that he feels he must take action. “When you think what the drift this society’s going in, and you think you can put an oar in the water and change the direction, you should do it.”

Does he really think he can beat Buchanan? “Of course not, what are the odds?”

Then why go to the trouble if he knows he’s going to lose? “There is nothing that can be lost if I can get you and others to think about what the issues are.”

Those are pretty amazing and inspiring words from a 101-year old man right there, so think about that the next time that you put off that amazing novel that you keep telling your friends that you’re going to write, because, “It’s totally the next Twilight, guys.”

Does Newman have a secret to living long and being so spry after a century? You bet your diaper he does.

We asked Joe what the secret is to living to age 100. He says he has no idea; could be he never smoked, drank, or chased women. But whatever it is, he’s going to make the most of every day he has left.

And by the way, he has a lovely, 94-year-old lady friend.

Of course he’s dating a younger woman. Typical politician.


TOPICS#FLORIDA
TAGSCAMPAIGNScandidatesOLD PEOPLEPolitics

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