Although I came across this story in the “Not the Onion” subreddit, I’d like remind everyone before I get started that this story is definitely not from The Onion. Sherry Lynn Gustafson of Quad City, Illinois has achieved local fame due to her love of Pumpkin Spice Lattes. In related news, not much must happen in Quad City, Illinois.
I tend to side with John Oliver when it comes to the topic of pumpkin spice, but Sherry’s obsession with the candle-flavored beverages has grown so much over the years that she now stocks up in October so she can enjoy the smooth flavor of pumpkin spice year-round. July? F*ck it, pumpkin spice.
“I love pumpkin pie, and this is like pumpkin pie with whipped cream on it in a drink. So, I can drink as much I want, less calories too,” she said.
“I got hooked, and then I used to go get them at the gas station, then I used to start making my own,” Gustafson said. “I get worse as we go. I start hoarding now, so I might have to rethink how many we have to get.”
Gustafson decided to stock up so she can drink pumpkin spice all year long. She bought 52 boxes of the drink mix. “I don’t want them to think I’m a nut, so I get a little bit at a time,” Gustafson said. Gustafson plans to buy at least 30 more boxes.
I don’t know what the hell kind of Pumpkin Spice Lattes this lady is drinking, but according to the Starbucks website, a 16oz. Pumpkin Spice Latte is 360 calories while an average slice of pumpkin pie will set you back 323. Far be it from me to crap on her logic though, because I’m married to a person who actually Facebooked a picture of the two cases of Surge he procured on Amazon this morning. That’s right: not only did he buy two cases of the stuff, but felt like this was a momentousness enough occasion that he had to share it with the world.
So I guess what I’m saying is that I empathize with Sherry Lynn Gustafson’s husband.