A UK family is lucky to be alive after Maria Layton’s husband bought a bunch of bananas from their local Tesco that were infested with Brazilian Wandering Spiders whose venom can kill and/or cause a four-hour erection.
Once again, there are bananas that can do the same thing that Viagra can, but there are other side effects. Please consult a physician if a spider bite makes your dick hard. This is not some Spider-Man sh*t; your ass is dying. Also, consult with the store where you got the dick-hardening spiders, even though that isn’t always a fruitful endeavor.
“Tesco were a bit useless, I was really concerned about the possibility of this dangerous spider and spider eggs in my house and really wanted some helpful advice on how to act. I wasn’t sure if other spiders or eggs had escaped when I ripped the bag open.
“I posted the picture on Tesco Facebook page and they told me to send the wrapper in so they could get the bar code to refund me! I was shocked, they failed to see the potential threat to me and my family and thought I was only interested in having a pound or so back.
“I called Food Standards but they said it wasn’t anything to do with them, I called Trading Standards but they were shut. I spent about an hour-and-a-half ringing round trying to get some help – while I had this potential killer spider in the house.” […]
When questioned if Tesco have a responsibility to the customer to send a pest control expert out to the house, a spokesperson from their customer service department said: “Our policy is for the customer to take the product back to the store where it can be investigated. We don’t have a service whereby someone can go out to the home.”
I used to work at a service desk, and if someone would have dropped a bag of death spiders in front of me and told me, “Ehlo, Guvnah. I rang up the service wankers after being in queue, and they told me to bring these to you.” I would have run so far and so fast while shouting, “KILL IT WITH FIRE!” This is why it’s comical to me that Tesco’s service reps said something like, “Just bring it on down to the store, pip-pip cheerio.” And as far as I know, that’s how British people speak.
As for what happened to the spider-finding lady and her family, I have no clue. The article doesn’t say, but hopefully someone finally took her call and took these crazy-scary spiders off her hands. Also, bananas? Nope.
Via Bristol Post