If you’ve ever had the fortune — albeit at the expense of another person’s misfortune — to be within an earshot of a bad first date, then you already know what a highly entertaining experience this can be. I’ll never forget the best/worst date I ever encountered. It was about 10 years ago at a sushi place, and some poor lady got stuck with this pompous dork who didn’t stop bragging about himself the entire time, yet looked like he lived solely on a diet of Mountain Dew and Slim Jims when he wasn’t impressing the dames with sushi.
At one point she excused herself to actually take a 10 minute phone call and at the end of the date, he took off in a red sporty small-penismobile. I would bet everything in my bank account that guy is still single today.
If you’ve never had the firsthand pleasure of being a fly on the wall for someone’s bad date yourself, however, then you can live vicariously through writer Anne Thériault, who captured this trainwreck of a first date by live-tweeting it as it went down at a coffee shop in Toronto last week.
Laugh, because it’s not you.
Watching a couple on what appears to be a terrible first coffee date at the table next to me. Dude is every precious self-involved writer.
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
"I'm writing a screenplay. It's about this guy who never really feels like he fits in. Like he's just different"
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
"People tell me I look like James Franco."
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
She keeps politely asking him questions. Not once has he asked her about herself.
Wait he just asked if she'd ever dated a writer wtf
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
"Writing is really hard. People don't know that. It involves a lot of introspection, a lot of wrestling with your own demons."
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
He's now complaining about the "body" of the coffee, telling her he knows a place that doesn't over-roast their beans.
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Every single thing she mentions he "did that one time, with my buddy" and is now an expert in
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Girl: I actually love cooking
Dude: Oh god you should try my puttanesca sauce, my friend who's a chef says it's even better than his— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
"A lot of my friends are having kids but I don't know," *self-conscious laugh* "I can barely take care of myself let alone a baby."
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
OH NO NOW HE'S TALKING ABOUT HOW HIS FEAR OF HAVING CHILDREN STEMS FROM HIS DADDY ISSUES AND I CANNOT
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Girl just looked at her phone in feigned surprise. "Oh weird, I have a text from my mom." I just snorted audibly, turned it into fake cough
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Dude, oblivious: "oh yeah? That's awesome, I don't think my mom even knows how to text"
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Girl: "yeah, she's, uh, worried she left her stove on. she's in a meeting and can't go home. I'd better go check for her."
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
Dude: do you want to go and come back?
Girl: It's pretty far. Maybe we can do this again next week? I'll text you.
OUT THE DOOR LIKE A SHOT— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
He just opened his laptop and started typing. I hope it's a sad story about his life.
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) July 3, 2015
I have to feel a little bit bad for the dude, since these tweets are going viral and he’ll probably figure out they’re about him eventually. Oh well. On the plus side maybe he can mine a really good screenplay out of his pain?
(Via EOnline)