The lovely folks who regularly gather at Ask Reddit pumped out another worthy thread for your reading pleasure. These users gathered en masse to discuss the weirdest way they’ve injured themselves. Naturally, there are more than a few stories about how people hurt themselves in a sex-related capacity. Either they encountered a mishap doing the deed or did so by — how do you say — self message. Self love? That’s probably a more accurate term for what happened here, but the injuries turned their magical moments into self hate.
Let’s dive in and see how these revelers did some awful disservices to their private parts:
User LoveMyPuggle gets down to business with a David Carradine joke. A cheap shot, perhaps.
“I’ve given myself pretty bad leg cramps masturbating. When I’m about to orgasm I hold my breath and tense up something awful … I don’t know how it started exactly, I just can’t orgasm without holding my breath. I’m probably in for a David Carradine style death.”
A fellow called Gimace permanently marked his favorite body part with graphite. This sounds believable, for I once buried a pencil in my palm (decades ago), and the mark remains to this day:
“I put a sharpened pencil in my front jeans pocket, pointy end down, and forgot about it. When I sat down it stabbed me in the head of my d*ck. 25 years later I still have that graphite mark on the head of my d*ck.”
Mr. Xiopb hurt his unit during a weekend warrior stint:
“When I was in high school I was really into rock climbing. I didn’t have any cliffs around, so I used to climb trees with my gear. Before I had a harness, I figured out how to fashion one from 3 meters of rope using knots. Anyway, one day I didn’t have rope, so I decided to try it with a length of chain instead. I “tied” it, then tied the other end to a horizontal tree limb about 6 feet up, then stepped off to see if the knot would hold. It did…
“…and then proceeded to pinch and squeeze my sack. Boy, it hurt. Every time I moved or adjusted, the chain links would find another piece of pubescent nutsack to clench onto and grind. I was desperate to get out, so I tried flipping upside down, and it just pinched more …. I had little cuts and slices all around my gooch.”
Good ol’ SwiggitySwootyx described a horrifying scenario:
“Climbing down a large rock type platform that had a metal mesh type thing on it. As I went down part of the metal went up my ass and I let out a whimper that I could not recreate without the same experience.”
A lady known as Izzy-e23 was betrayed by a bra and a safety pin:
“my bra strap tore off so I put a safety pin on it. The safety pin came off right away and stabbed me in the chest :/”
Mister Kalifornia Mike did not enjoy this sports fan moment:
“Broke my d*ck playing football. Still don’t know how it happened. I assume someone hit me down low during the game but I don’t remember getting hit there. I found out when I went to shower up after the game. Took off my pants and looked down and my d*ck was soft and floppy, but as big as it was when hard, and the whole thing was a a bruised looking dark purple. Totally numb too. Like I could smack it on a shelf thing in the shower and felt nothing.
“I showed it to most of my team and we all made jokes and laughed about it. We went out to a bar later that night though and I got faded hard and forgot about my situation. I ended up meeting a girl and going back to her place to bone but when I took my pants off she screamed and it took me a minute to remember. Eventually I went to a doctor and she told me I popped a blood vessel and it would heal up in a few weeks. I couldn’t get hard or have sex or jerk it for almost a month.”
This story sounds at least a little bit McFake but vaguely possible:
“I had to have my wrist in a Brace for a month because I was masturbating too much”
It’s time to switch gear for a second and get hilariously gross with Buttheadface:
“In high school i sh*t myself, it immediately dripped down my khakis on the floor. When I realized what had happened i tried to run to the bathroom, slipped on my own sh*t, and bruised my tailbone”
Once again, someone hurt their privates like TheSparkleNinjaFairy did right here:
“Just today, I was pulling up my jeans and scratched myself, with own nails, which aren’t even that long. I wear pants almost everyday and I managed to cut myself and draw blood while doing that :/”
Now for a more innocent tale from WimTastic 11:
“Someone threw a baby carrot at my neck and i flinched so hard that I pulled a muscle in my neck and couldn’t move right for a solid week.”