Does everyone know what today is? No, not Back to the Future Day. (Although it technically is also Back to the Future Day.) It’s Kim Kardashian’s birthday, y’all! That’s right, our favorite vapid reality starlet turns the big 3-5 today. It seems like just yesterday she was getting railed on grainy home video. And while some women might take being closer to 40 than 30 to heart, our Kimmy is handling the hallowed milestone with aplomb. In fact, to show what a sage, intelligent woman she’s blossomed into, she’s posted a list on her website of 35 things she’s learned before turning 35.
We won’t post the list in its entirely here, but here are some of our favorite highlights:
Mom is usually right. [Ed note: see: “Grainy sex tape.”]
Don’t be afraid to change up your look.
Always take off your makeup before bed.
All-white always works, no matter what time of year it is.
Sometimes, you just have to let North wear her Minnie Mouse outfit to bed.
A perfectly centered part takes time, but it’s worth it.
Prevention is key. Always use body oil to keep your skin moist!
White flowers go with everything.
When in doubt, wear black.
Airplane bathrooms have great lighting for selfies.
My angles. Know your angles.
You can’t go wrong with a nude nail.
Be comfortable in your own skin. This comes with age, but it really is so important to love yourself before anything else.
That last one is especially hilarious being that Kim, at the very least, never leaves the house without a gallon of makeup impeccably shellacked all over her face and, at most (although she denies it), has had extensive cosmetic surgery over the years along with the rest of her family. I also love that nearly a third of the things she’s learned by the time she turned 35 are fashion and beauty tips, at least some of which will be out of style before she turns 40. Oh well. Maybe one of the things that she’ll have learned by 40 is that her 35-year-old self was a kind of an idiot. We can only hope.