25 Random Things About Me: Matt Stafford

02.11.09 9 years ago 51 Comments

The Draft is slowly approaching. Slowly, slowly approaching. And what better way to get to know each of the potential picks than via the wildly popular “25 Random Things About Me” Facebook craze that’s sweeping the nation? Today, we learn 25 random things about Georgia QB Matthew Stafford, projected by many to be the top overall pick.


2. “I was born in 1852 and served in the Irish Senate before dying in 1950. Wait, that was another Matthew Stafford? I feel like I kinda remember all that.”

3. “One time I painted my roommate’s toenails black. He got really mad about it. Probably because he was allergic to nail polish. Oh, well. Fuck him. He’s dead now.”

4. “I fucking hate relish. It looks like you chewed up a pickle and barfed it onto my hot dog. Ewwww!”

5. “I’m not very good.”

6. “I was in a shower gangbang once. I didn’t like it, because at one point I got soap in my eyes. By the time I had gotten the soap out, I realized the girl had fled, and that I was banging Tony. TONE! THE FUCK, MAN?!”

7. “Best concert I ever saw in person? Shania. Definitely. Fuck, she’s hot.”

8. “Sometimes I floss with my own hair. And I eat the skin off my heel. It’s like Jack Link’s, only it doesn’t cost you five bucks a pack.”

9. “I’m a slob. I admit it. That’s why my apartment always smells like old milkshakes.”

10. “I have no desire to travel to Europe. One time I had this girlfriend who’s was all gung ho about going over there and I was like, do they have Cheesecake Factory over there? And she was like, no. And I was like, have fun cutie. I don’t wanna go anywhere that doesn’t have a Cheesecake Factory. That’s my money place.”

11. “I’m really getting tired of people offering me Eclipse gum. How about a beer, gang? Beer is better.”

12. “People always told me I had a strong arm. And I guess I always took it for granted. They day I realized I had a real cannon tucked away under here was the day in 7th grade when I stole Tim Ferry’s retainer and hucked it all the way across the river. Tim Ferry was mentally retarded, so when I took out his retainer, you could really see how fucked up his teeth were. They had this weird yellow paste on them and everything. Then he had to kinda slow kid limp all the way to go get it. Girls were laughing. I high fived Johnny after that. It was awesome.”

13. “I like the top part of the English muffin, but not the bottom.”

14. “Anyone else notice the UGA library is way too hot? Jesus.”

15. “Why should I be the number one pick? I think because I know how to lead. Like when I throw a party at the Pleasure Dome (that’s our apartment), tons of fucking people show up. I don’t think you can teach that kind of magnetism.”

16. “I gotta get better at Rock Band. For real.”

17. “Whenever I buy a pair of sweatpants, I always end up losing one side of the drawstring in one the holes in front. They should make some kind of special knot that keeps the drawstring from disappearing in there.”

18. “Favorite movie? Gotta be Meet The Spartans. Fucking kills me every time, man.”

19. “I always thought washing vegetables was stupid. My mom made me do it. Then one day I tried to make a salad for this girl. Only I didn’t wash the lettuce, and the salad turned out all gritty and nasty. Totally cost me a BJ.”

20. “I can bench press 345. I guarantee you Mark Sanchez can’t do that.”

21. “I can’t walk by a Corvette without stopping first and taking a good, long look.”

22. “I’ve heard people say I call my penis THE STAFF. I’m not gonna confirm or deny that. I’ll just leave that to your imagination.”

23. “My only tattoo is a tatt I have of a rooster on my leg. Because you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to outhustle me.”

24. “I fucking hate waking up early.”

25. “When I was twelve, I stole my dad’s pickup truck and drove it all the way to Tennessee before I totally freaked out about how far I’d gone. So I turned around started home. Only I ran out of gas somewhere in the middle of West Georgia. I managed to flag down this one guy in an old pickup truck. When he got out, I asked for a ride. And he said sure, but only if I ‘repaid the favor’. Then he tried to grab my cock. And that totally freaked me out, so I ended up pinning him down and smashing his face in with my dad’s old carphone. Then I siphoned off his gas and drove the hell off. He was old, so I’m pretty sure no one noticed. Still, that was really creepy. Glad I got away without having to suck the guy’s dick or something.”

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