A Hero Swings Into Raidervania

04.07.09 9 years ago 25 Comments

(crypt flies open)

Count Al: HISSSSSS!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Zey said I vas mad ven ven I gave Nnamdi Assimvaa forty three meelleeon! But vee shall show zem! Vee shall show zem all zat the Raidahs shall rise vunce more! BLAH! BLAH!

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Count Al: Easy, VereRob Ryan! Soon, I vill feed you all the cheeldren you vant! BLAH! BLAH! Zey said I vas mad! Zey said Al Davis vasn’t veeth it anymore! But look who is having zee last laugh now! Mummy Art Shell, have you seen vat Coach Keefin has been doing at ze Tennessee?!!!

Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrrrrrrr…. Bang his wife… durrrrr

Count Al: Yes Yes! She is a fine piece of poosy! I vould vallop zat poosy! BLAH BLAH! But zat is beside ze point! Now that Lane Keefin has gone crazy in ze Tennessee, everyvun now knows Al Davees vas right! Zis Keefin, I nevuh trust him! He vas crazy, I tell you! Crazy! Vith ze gosseeping, and ze shameful boasteeng, and alvays trying to fiah the secretaries! ZIS KEEFIN VAS ZE CRAZY VUN ALL ALONG! VUNCE AGAIN, AL DAVIS IS VEENDEECATED! Soon, vee shall conquer ze world! And night shall fall across ze landscape! I shall command an army of ze dead! No vun shall stop me! I SHALL VIN! BLAH BLAH!

(puerta flies open)

Gay Zorro: (clutches rose between teeth) So, eet has come to pass! All the stories of el vampiro are true! Gay Zorro has been deceived! Count Al, Gay Zorro weel never let you get away weeth thees! He shall drive hees mighty stake through el Corazon!

(whips out penis)

WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Mummy Art Shell: Durrrrrrrrrrr… no homo….


(takes deep breath)


Velcome to Oakland, my dear friend! VELCOME! There is no need for such hosteelity, Garceea! Don’t you see? Vee are togezer now! You and I. Vee shall become vun!

Gay Zorro: You underestimate Gay Zorro, Count Al. Gay Zorro cares not for la temptacion. You shall not steal hees integrity! When the banditos in Chiapas tried to bribe Gay Zorro with all the free penes he wanted, Gay Zorro said NO! And when Coach Gruden tried to deestract Gay Zorro with hot blonde quarterback after hot blonde quarterback in Tampa, Gay Zorro never fell upon hees gay blade! And you, Count Al! Gay Zorro shall never become like you! Gay Zorro is here for la gente!

Count Al: And vat have ze people ever done for you, my dear friend? Look at you! You spend your days hideeng behind a mask and cape. Ze people, zey do not love you! Zey DEESPISE YOU! And do you know vye? Because zey do not understand you, my friend. BUT I DO! BLAH BLAH! I too know vat it ees like to be hated by ze people! I too know what it’s like to hide, behind oversized sunglasses and baggy leisure suits! I too know vat it ees like to pronounce your i’s like e’s! You and I, Gay Zorro. VEE AH OUTCASTS! SOCIETY SAYS VEE ARE ZE ENEMY! VEE ARE THE SAME! BLAH! BLAH!

Gay Zorro: We will never be the same, vendejo. Gay Zorro geeves to the people! You take! You are the reason los cholos terrorize the cheeldren! I shall never join you!

Count Al: Not even… for a backup spot?

Gay Zorro: A backup spot?

Count Al: Yes. And after zat, who knows? Zees JaParker Russell, no vun knows eef he’ll be worth a sheet! He’s so very fat, and tender, and juicy, BLAH! You could be starting by VEEK VUN! And zen you could treegger your bonus clause! And make ONE… TWO… THREE! THREE meelleeon dollars! HA HA HA!

(thunder rolls)

Gay Zorro: Starteeng Week One? Well, Gay Zorro has always wanted to be the undisputed jefe of a team…

Count Al: And you shall! Just join us! Join us and football immortality shall be yours! I VILL MAKE YOU ZE NEXT REECH GANNON! ZEES IS VERE QUARTERBACKS GO TO BE RESURRECTED! ALL YOU MUST DO IS DRINK ZE BLOOD OF 100 EENNOCENTS!

Gay Zorro: I don’t know. All Gay Zorro wanted was a chance to play, and to leeve in the Castro deestreect. But how can he trust banditos such as thees?

Count Al: Who else can you trust? HA HA HA HA HA!!!! HISS!!!!!! Come! Let us vork togezer! Vee shall talk around ze blood cooler every morning!

Gay Zorro: Thees could be the most unusual partnersheep of Gay Zorro’s vida. But Gay Zorro has never been afraid to flirt with danger, or weeth Maurice Morris. Very well, Count Al. Gay Zorro accepts your invitacion. We shall form an uneasy truce een the name of weening! We shake penes now.


WereRob Ryan: OW-OOOOOOOOO!!!!!

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