Aaron Rodgers Finally Reaches His Breaking Point

08.12.08 9 years ago 50 Comments

Okay, everyone! Gameday has finally arrived! Oh, thank goodness. Now, I know there’s been an awful lot of drama around here lately. But that’s all in the past now. I’m glad we can finally put that whole controversy to rest. It’s time to turn the page and get ready for a whole new era! Am I right? So let’s go out there and give that Lambeau crowd a chance to see a brand new kind of winning Packer football! Are you excited? I’m excited! I waited a long time to be drafted, and I waited a long time to start. But finally, it’s my time. It’s OUR time! LET’S GET FIRED UP! WAHOO! YAY! ALL RIGHT! WHO’S WITH ME?! YEAH!

(gets sacked)

Hey, that’s all right. No problem there. Better to take the sack than throw a foolish pass, am I right? That’s how it’s gonna be here. No flash. Just smart football. I think all of you are getting an idea of the steady kind of leadership I’m here to provide! Now let’s get back out there, team!

(gets sacked again)

Again, not a problem. Just taking care of the ball and managing the game. I think, as time goes by, everyone here is going to come to appreciate my savviness!

(locks in on one receiver, gets sacked again)

Boy, you know I think you guys blocked a little harder last year.

(gets pass tipped and intercepted)

Okay! That’s okay! Not a problem. Nothing I could do about that. Not going to worry about the things I can’t control… just gonna stay strong mentally and play within myself…

(throws 8-yard completion without any sort of bravado or derring-do)

See! There it is! A good, solid completion. Keeping the ball moving, not trying to do too much out there. Isn’t that great? That should really please these fans out here tonight!

Oh, god dammit. The fuck is wrong with you people?

No! No, Aaron! Stay strong! Don’t let it all get to you. Keep your composure. Don’t get rattled. Poise! Must stay poised! Can’t… let it… get… to… me…


(runs to locker room)

(runs back out)

The world is a festering pile of molten spider excrement. And its people are clones, ghoulish clones of death whose only mission is to suck each other dry, and then to ejaculate their hate babies upon piles of twisted, mangled flesh and broken bones. There is no sun. There is no day. There is only night – a long, dark night of savage bloodletting. In a world of hopeless decay and indifference. Left to its own shadowy fate.

I shall not participate in its hypocrisy.

And lies.


I have written a poem, a poem that shall put the pus-thirsty masses in their place. And I shall read it to you aloud, so that everyone might here and suffer the truth of their own blindness.

God is an afterbirth,
A rotting placenta that sucks away rather than nourishes.
And his love is not love but pain.
He delights only in seeing the maggot-infested carcasses of lovers
Ground up by the hate machine
And shat out upon the dying lands.
Pain is God
Here is your tribute, your worship

(spits on ground)


Live with that, people of Green Bay. The Aaron Rodgers you once knew is dead, and YOU are the murderers. MURDERERS! That cheese on your head had turned bleu and marbled. I shall not be one of your lab mice. You are all bathing in the black amniotic fluid of ignorance.

I will enjoy watching the world die.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, me and my Twihard friends are going to go egg Stephanie Meyer’s house for the way she mishandled Bella and Edward’s romance at the end of “Breaking Dawn”.

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