Actual Headline: ‘Gwyneth Paltrow Saved A Life On Sept. 11’


I swear on my life that just a few hours ago I thought, “Aren’t we about due for an outrageous Gwyneth Paltrow story to shock and horrify the nation?” And BOOM, right on cue, courtesy of People magazine, this…

Gwyneth Paltrow is already an Oscar winner, cookbook author, mother of two and wife of a rock star – and now she can add lifesaver to her list of accomplishments.

(Lara Lundstrom) Clarke was rushing to get to work at the Twin Towers in New York City when she jaywalked in order to get to the subway station. As she crossed 7th Avenue, a Mercedes SUV came barreling toward her.

Both Clarke and the car stopped in their tracks, and as the driver waved her across she realized it was Paltrow behind the wheel. The near-collision caused Clarke to miss her train, and by the time she got to work, the first plane had hit the World Trade Center … Paltrow’s publicist Stephen Huvane confirmed the accuracy of the incident and added that Paltrow, 38, was “deeply moved” by the story.

The woman credits Gwyneth Paltrow with saving her live because the obnoxious email newsletter publisher/country singer/actress/rapper/cookbook writer/comedienne/domestic goddess almost plowed over her in her Mercedes SUV?! I…I just…I can’t even. I just need to step the hell away. Jesus Christ. Truly Onion-esque.

Meanwhile, Gwyneth’s like, “Come at me bro!”

This dramatic reading of Gwyneth’s painfully bourgeoisie cookbook is the only thing that can sustain me right now…

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