AFC South Midseason Report Card

10.29.13 4 years ago 33 Comments


Listen, teams: I know you only choose this division to fulfill a mandatory elective and because you need the credit hours, but I’ll have you know this will be no easy A. You think just because your owners fork over tuition you can coast along without a care and it’ll all be fine in the end. But I’m letting you know that I demand real effort. So far this season, I haven’t been seeing it from most of you. Frankly, I wonder why some of you show up most weeks. I found a tank of nitrous under Jacksonville’s desk the other day. Be advised that I’ve made an appointment for you to seek counseling at the student union.

Today is the midterm. This will count 40 percent toward your final grade. It’s a simple two-part exercise. First, you will succinctly explain what you’ve done in the first half of the season and why I should give a shit. Then you will present a visual representation of your first half, preferably something that allows me to laugh at your expense. Best of luck.

Colts, you’ve been a stellar student, if a bit of an apple polisher. Let’s have a look at your work.



Very impressive use of Stanford words! Though I’m going to have to deduct points for trading a first-round pick for Trent Richardson. He blows.

Titans, you strike me as a “C’s get degrees” type of team. What do you have for me?



About typical for your level of output. Just letting you know now that I’m marking you down for subjecting me to more Ryan Fitzpatrick playing quarterback.

Texans, I had such expectations for you. What happened? I think you got too ambitious with your course load and as a result, your performance has slipped. You still have time to make up ground, but it’s growing short.



That’s, quite frankly, a bit disappointing. I know school can be a stressful time but it’s your responsibility to handle these things.

Jaguars… you’re not comatose for once. That’s an improvement. Out with it.


To be honest: better than what I expected.

All right, grades will be posted in my office. My office hours are from 4:15-4:30 p.m. on Tuesdays. See you next week!

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