Allen Gives The Old Golf Outing A Kick In The Ass

07.13.10 7 years ago 42 Comments

Jared Allen wanted to raise money for his charity, Homes for Wounded Warriors, so he did the sensible thing and hosted a golf outing. An extreme golf outing! Or as extreme as you can get without risking a fourth DUI.

Marines berating golfers, slip ‘n slide punishments, and a pig roast at the turn were just a few of the unique touches Allen included in his event. The outing was a success by all accounts, so it stands to reason that there are plans in the works for next year’s outing. That’s why we’ve compiled a handy list of suggestions to make sure the money keeps rolling in for these deserving soldiers.

– Squibs in every green
– Water hazards filled with gelatin
– Encourage golfers to play in bare feet
– Sand traps filled with shards of broken glass
– Long drive winner gets a bazooka
– Closest to the pin winner gets an M40
– Flagpole dancers
– Eagles are now called “tits”
– Birdies are now called “little tits”
– Pars are now called “gays”
– Bogies are now called “fucks”
– Double bogies are now called “double fucks”
– Personalized truck nutz on every golf cart
– Driving range populated by Iranian clerics who outlawed the mullet
– Ball washers at every tee box provided by Babe’s Cabaret
– Replace all of this year’s participants with lesser celebrities like Dan Akroyd, Jackie Mason, and the guy from Unsolved Mysteries

But don’t even think about taking a piss behind a tree, especially if you’ve recently been accused of sexual assault. Smoke, fire, etc.

Add your own suggested features in the comments, because a four-person scramble format isn’t going to make itself interesting.

Around The Web