Hey hey hey hey hey! Shut duh fuck up! All right? JUST SHUT DUH FUCK UP. I’m trying to make uh fucking point here, all right? First off, does anyone have uh light here? I REPEAT: DO YOU ANY OF YOU HAVE UH FUCKING LIGHT? What the fuck? I’m supposed tuh bring my own lightuh? DUH FUCK IS THAT? You ladies should keep uh lightuh on you at all times if you wanna have any hope uh sucking on my dick later on, AM I FUCKING RIGHT OR WHAT?
Do any of you have any extra cigarettes for me when dis one goes out? I DO NOT BRING MY OWN CIGARETTES ANYWHERE. That’s just how I roll. Now lend me uh fucking cigarette. Are you ordering uh pizza? Save two slices fuh me. No, I’m not paying fuh any. I’m just asking fuh uh taste. JESUS. Two goddamn slices! The fuck I do tuh you dat you won’t cough up uh couple extra slices? FUCK. Where are you ordering from? Romano’s? FUCK YOU. Orduh from Sanremo. ONLY FAGGOTS ORDUH FROM ROMANO’S.
I wanna talk about duh fucking Giants. Okay? SHUT UP, VINCE. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE JETS AND THEIR FAGGOT FANS. God, duh Jets. What uh bunch uh second-class, bridge-and-tunnel assfucks. CALL ME WHEN YOU GET UH FUCKING REAL FRANCHISE, YOU SUBLETTING PUERTO RICAN SACKS UH DOGSHIT.
(pours vodka and Red Bull into empty Diet Coke can)
I wanna talk about duh Giants now. EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP. Okay, now. Here it is: If duh fucking Giants fucking lose like dat again in duh playoffs, dey will NOT go tuh duh fucking Supuh Bowl. AM I RIGHT? You know I’m fucking right. You know it, honey. Don’t try and argue with me, ladies. I’ll just end up having to fuck you in duh ass again. AM I RIGHT, HUH?
I don’t care what kinduh team you gots. If you can’t find uh way tuh win in the playoffs, you aren’t making duh Big Dance.
(pulls out money clip for no reason)
Furthuhmore, furthuhmore, furthuhmore… EDDIE, WILL YOU SHUT THE LIVING FUCK UP FOR THREE MINUTES? I got uh couple more points tuh make here. Someone’s gotta say it here, so I will. You will NOT see Plaxico Burress suit up fuh dis team again ALL YEAR. Don’t ask me how I know dese things. But I’m telling you, THAT’S HOW IT’S GONNA GO DOWN. Now, I don’t wanna call Plax uh fucking no good lazy porch chimp,. BUT HE IS UH FUCKING NO GOOD LAZY PORCH CHIMP, AM I RIGHT? Hold on uh second, I gotta call my bookie.
(calls bookie, loses $500 in four seconds)
STILL UP FOR DUH YEAR! WHICH ONE OF YOU LADIES WOULD LIKE DUH HONUH OF GIVIN’ THE OL’ MICK UH GOOD TITSLIDE? Eh, fuck you sluts. You’re all ugliuh than sin. I wouldn’t fuck you if dere were diamonds fallin’ out uh your twat.
(puts on weight belt and weightlifting gloves for no reason)
Uh couple more fucking things before I go. First off: dis Under Armour shirt. It’s AMAZING. Feel it. FUCKING FEEL IT. I’ve been sweating ALL DAY, and I feel dry as uh bone. Uh big fuckbone, AM I RIGHT? What do you mean, I smell? I swear to God, I will rape your mother and then drown her in uh bathtub! FUCK YOU AND YOUR ENTIUH DEFORMED FAMILY! I WILL NEVUH FUHGIVE YOU FUH DAT!
Secondly: All duh Jints have to do to turn things back around is tuh start playing great again. Also, dis Sabathia signing for duh Yanks? That could be good. Or it could be bad. THAT’S MY HONEST ASSESSMENT. I hear uh lot of people saying uh lotta shit. BUT ALL’S I’M SAYIN’ IS THAT IT HAS DUH POTENTIAL TUH BE GOOD. YOU DON’T HEAR PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT DAT!
All’s I’m sayin’ is day if some girl doesn’t start suckin’ on dis Genoa Salam in duh next five minutes, I’m not gonna lend you any of duh cigarettes or pizza people are gonna lend me. SO GET SUCKIN’! MY COUSIN BENITO OWNS UH GUN! DON’T THINK I WON’T GIVE HIM UH CALL IF I FEEL LIKE IT! SHUT DUH FUCK UP!
Photo courtesy of Eric R.