Alternate Movie Versions of Draft Day

04.18.14 4 years ago 45 Comments

So that NFL Draft movie came out last weekend and proved once and for all that Kevin Costner is only good at baseball movies. The movie was typical sports drama fluff. Simplification of technical aspects and exaggeration of drama. EVERYONE IS MAD AT EACH OTHER! Kevin Costner is a rebel GM without a cause! Of course he tricks two teams into making incredibly dumb trades that no team would ever make, just so he can draft a player he would have been able to pick at that spot anyway, and the movie ends halfway through round 1.

It was pretty generic. I wish it had been a little more fun. I made a joke about it yesterday, but I decided to take it one step further.

What if Draft Day wasn’t a sports drama but other types of movies?


Sonny Cleaver, the son of a factory worker in blue collar Cleveland and the current GM of the Browns. A factory explosion kills his whole team and his 6 yr old autistic son is taken hostage by Big Ben Berger, the crazed Pittsburgh QB/Mafia Don. Fired, disgraced, and hell bent on revenge, Sonny must draft a whole new team of expert commandos to take Ben Berger and all of Pittsburgh down. He has 6 rounds. All aimed at your head.

Kevin Costner is Sonny Cleaver
Ben Roethisberger is Big Ben Berger
Jennifer Garner is the boobs
Terry Crews is awesome
Bruce Willis got paid for a cameo
Directed by Michael Bay




Sonny Weaver is just your ordinary Browns GM, trying to win some trades and some games. With the draft coming up, he’s stressed and worried for his job. But then his #1 prospect is found, dead, in an alley, with one word written on him. Baltimore. Could it be? Could the Modell Killer be back? Can Sonny find out how to draft a team and survive the diabolical machinations of a disturbed serial killer that everyone thought was dead? Be careful. Modell’s next pick could be…you


He’s the GM of the Browns! She’s a feisty accounts manager for player salaries! They hate each other! They love each other! No one cares but you better sit through the whole thing or your girlfriend will hate you! Wasn’t there supposed to be football in this movie? It’s okay, they have a funny bulldog in the office.

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