Always Be Covering: I Am the Playoff Cooler

01.22.10 8 years ago 19 Comments

Well that’s not entirely fair. I’m a pretty terrible gambler all year round.

Welcome to another week of truly horrible gambling advice. I was 0-5 last week, which shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone. I’m an awful f*cking gambler, and it shows. The more confident I am the more likely it is that my picks will fall completely flat. Sure, other people have made this claim, but I’ve really hit some kind of magical stride this season. So if you want to make some money you should probably be going in the opposite direction of my picks.

Or is this all one big reverse jinx?

No, it’s not. I just suck. On to the picks!

Will Kurt Warner retire before game 1 of the 2010 NFL Regular Season?

Ooh, this is a tough one. Brenda Warner says that the decision is between Kurt and God, and I assume that she’s not talking about Mark Bartlestein. A Jewish God, IMAGINE THAT! Still, this doesn’t give us a whole lot of insight into the decision making process. Let’s go to Kurt for a bit of clarification on the matter…

“It means I pray that God takes away the desire in me to play this game,” he says. “I’ve loved it for so long. I need Him to take that away from me, so that I can be comfortable with this decision.”

Don’t expect him to make any decisions, folks, he’s merely a vessel for Christ Almighty to do with as he pleases! Since Kurt is incapable of making his own life decisions we’ll have to consult with a higher power. What say you, God?

(heavens fly open)

God: Hello, friend.

Hi, God! So tell us, are you going to take away Kurt’s passion and allow him to enjoy his retirement?

God: Hell no! Kurt may be a vacuous shell of a mortal, but shit, he’s still a lot of fun to watch on Sundays. Why should I give that up?

That’s a fair point. So when will Kurt retire?

God: Well after another concussion or two he probably won’t have much of a choice. If he starts telling people that I have been speaking to him you’ll know the time has come. Because I don’t do that shit. Okay, I did it once, but that’s because I bet Satan $20 that I could convince Sean Gilbert to hold out for a year.

Nice. So while we have you, what are you doing to Haiti?

God: Uh…that’s the phone. I gotta run.

And there you have it. My picks are in bold…

Yes -175
No +145

Who will record the most Passing Yards in Round 3 of the Playoffs?

Mark Sanchez 6/1
Peyton Manning 2/1
Brett Favre 7/4
Drew Brees 11/10

None of the other options are all that appealing, and I could see Breesus going for 350 in a loss.

As for the games themselves, take the points in both. Really, what’s the worst that could happen?

Enjoy the games.

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