Always Be Covering: Pretty Okay

12.07.12 5 years ago 14 Comments

Last week: 4-3
Overall: 42-38-1

Another week, another 4-3 record against the spread. But what I lack in revenue generating ability I make up for with occasional Top Chef recaps.

Washington Redskins -3 (+110) vs. Baltimore Ravens

I saw Terrell Suggs at the Wizards Heat game earlier in the week. Naturally I asked if he was going to play this week. He stared at me for a few seconds, then broke in to a smile and said, “we’ll see.” I’m not sure if he saw the urine running down the leg of my pants.

Indianapolis Colts -6 (-105) vs. Tennessee Titans

Andrew Luck’s rookie stats are kind of sh*tting all over Peyton Manning’s rookie stats. But more importantly, he appreciates great architecture when he sees it.

Now that’s what it takes to be a great quarterback. But now I’m dying to know what every other rookie was talking about before their first career start. I bet Jay Cutler was bored out of his mind.

Seattle Seahawks -10 vs. Arizona Cardinals

I recently saw a tweet (probably should have made a note of where) that said Russell Wilson has the third highest single season home quarterback rating of all time. That’s good, I guess, but he’ll never be six feet tall.

Miami Dolphins +10 at San Francisco 49ers

Look, the only way I’m going to give a damn about the internet “uncovering” a video of Jim Harbaugh hanging out with Screech is if it’s another one of Dustin Diamond’s sex tapes. And that is something I would be very interested in, BuzzFeed.

The Top Chef Top 12 is after the jump. Spoilers abound.

First of all, let’s say farewell to CJ and Tyler. The former is super tall and was a favorite to reach the finals based on his incredible resume, while the latter was just happy to compete at this level without hitting the bottle. They’re both still sort of alive in the Last Chance Kitchen competition, but you don’t know that because you don’t watch Last Chance Kitchen. It’s like the regular show, just shorter and with even more flaws.

12. Eliza – The Telluride chef revealed that she once spent a summer following Widespread Panic on tour while selling something called vegan sushi out of a van. Also, she got engaged at the Pike Place Market. I don’t even care what she cooked this week, I just want her to go away so that I never have to hear about vegan van sushi or artisinal engagements ever again.

11. Danyelle – I don’t think she’s done a single notable thing on this show so far. But hey, she’s still hanging around.

10. Brooke – So pretty.

9. Lizzie – She drew a chocolate coconut concoction as her elimination ingredient and her first thought was fish. Now chicken mole is one of my all time favorite things, and they’ve done the chocolate/fish thing on the show before, but no. This is a bad idea. Instead they take perfectly good chocolate and make a terrible tart. On the bright side, it wasn’t a monkfish tart.

Ed. note: At this point I feel like I should point out that I have nothing against female chefs. Some of my favorite chefs in the show’s history have had lady parts (Jen Carrol, Stephanie Izard and Paul Qui). So yeah, I’m totally not lady racist. One of my best friends is a lady chef!

8. Micah – He’s young and he’s really talented, but he works at [upsidedown]The Standard[/upsidedown]. I guess I like him now, but I feel like it’s only a matter of time before the contempt sets in.

7. Josie – One contestant who hasn’t shown off her skills to date. Josie should have a couple of wins in her, but she needs to stop dicking around. Oh, and you know it was a horrible week in a questionable season when a clam dish that included sand and a ROCK doesn’t land you in the bottom three.

6. Bart – Now that CJ is gone (sort of) Bart has regained his deserved spot as the most vertically inclined cheftestant. And yes, spell check, that is a word. I know because they say it on television.

5. Kristen – Last week she got a foot massage from Stefan, aka the luckiest guy in Top Chef history. Needless to say, it was incredibly erotic and I hope he dies next. They are killing the eliminated chefs this season, aren’t they?

4. Sheldon – He’s the one I’m really rooting for. I’m a sucker for Hawaiians, I guess.

3. Josh – Don’t get me wrong, he’s a tremendous prick with a mustache to match, but Josh seems like he’s going to stick around for a while. He was legitimately embarrassed to serve those grits to world renowned gritter Hugh Acheson, who is basically the Wes Welker of the cooking world.

2. Stefan – Touch Kristen’s feet again and I will come for you. That didn’t sound quite right, but you know what I mean.

1. John – At one point his forehead glasses nearly slipped down on to his eyes. Crisis averted. The most hated chef in Dallas (who gets annoyed when people call him that even though he brags about it) actually got along with people this week, and it cost him dearly. Come on, John. You’ve already embraced the whole “Most Hated Chef in Dallas” thing. Don’t change now just because people are throwing it back in your face. That’s not what Jimmy Sears would do.

So yeah, terrible episode overall. The food was so bad that they took the prize off the table and Tom made everybody feel like shit. Still, I’m confident that this can turn in to a decent competition. All they need to do is axe a few more chefs and hide all of Josh’s hats.

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