Are you looking to be granted immortality? And maybe to cut some stuff with an inexpensive stainless steel blade? One helpful Amazon user has discovered just the knife for you.
According to reviewer Jeffrey Kruse, the Para Cord Wrapped Hunting Knives with Fire Starters and Sheathes — which retails at $29.99 (currently discounted to $6.73 and Prime eligible) — is so much more than its lengthy name entails. His review just might restore your faith in cutlery:
For the screencap averse crowd:
This knife arrived on my doorstep yesterday. I immediately knew it was something special as I could feel the box pulsating with pure power and adrenaline. I did not even have to open the box. Sensing my presence, the knife cut itself out of the box. Taking the knife into my hand, I could feel it leading me. I followed it deep into the wilderness where I slaughtered my first boar. I dragged the boar back to my house and prepared a feast for the entire neighborhood. The Men willingly gave their wives over to me for the night. With this knife, I truly feel like an immortal. Buy this knife, slaughter a boar, and sleep with the entire neighborhood.
The most shocking thing about this review: Only 722 people (of 838) have deemed it helpful. That means 116 people were told of a way purchase eternal life for less than $30 — an eternal life filled with feasting on boar meat and banging everything in sight — and responded with “Meh, not helpful.”