Ancient Chinese Secret Say Peter King Confuciused About Colts’ Sucktardery

09.12.11 6 years ago 88 Comments

When we last left thing happener Peter King, he was telling you that Cam Newton looked poised and confident despite his underwhelming preseason stats, predicting good fantasy numbers for Tim Hightower, and warning you that the Bills’ offense was not to be taken lightly. Wait a second. HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT ALL THOSE THINGS! My God! What now? I am not MENTALLY READY for a world in which Peter King’s football insights have true loft! Drew B. Discombobulated! QUICK! Tell me he said something wrong last week or else the entire world of Fun With Peter King will collapse upon itself and Starbucks franchises will begin popping up in every depressed urban area!

This won’t be a mail-it-in Houston win if (Kerry) Collins has to go.

WHEW! Oh, thank God for that. For a minute there, I almost thought we’d jave to abandon Peter and go piss all over Simmons for pretending he’s Ace goddamn Rothstein every week. But no! We stay with Peter for now. MAYBE. So what about this week? What other Ivy League players does Peter adore? Did Peter help get Tiki a job working with Bubbles at a Baltimore soup kitchen? Will we EVER fix the Amtrak business model by making sure the coffee is up to snuff? READ ON.

When events happen that rock the country, football “has a role to play, a small role,” Dallas coach Jason Garrett told me this summer in Texas. “It’s a unifying role. Rich and poor, liberals and conservatives, love football. We just need to show we’re all together.”

“Hmm. Yes. Indeed. Football serves to bind together people of ALL stripes. Yalies AND Princetonians. University Club members AND Mayflower Club members. Easthamptonites AND Bridghamptonites. Carnegies AND Rockefellers. It brings us all together, so that we may plan our war profiteering with great care and discretion.”

Maybe the one-sidedness of so many games says something about the lack of cohesion and long period of inactivity through the spring; time will tell.

Was continuity a true factor in Sunday’s games? MAYBE. Did some teams show cohesion while others were clearly out of sync? IT’S POSSIBLE. Would some of these teams have benefited from having the sage wisdom of Tiki Barber in their backfield? MY EDUCATED GUESS, AND MAYBE A LITTLE MORE THAN THAT, IS YES.

Peyton Manning might win the MVP of the league without playing.

And that makes perfect sense, except that Steve Young ALSO totally should have won it for the past eleven years.

“It’s a marathon, not a sprint,” coach Jim Caldwell said bravely afterward.

I love that quote. As if that makes any Colts fan feel better. Just so you know, this won’t be over quickly! There’s still four long months of seeing your team’s corpse burn!

A Ben Roethlisberger team isn’t going to turn it over seven times again this year.

That’s a FACT. SORT OF.

The Falcons are going to fix their protection issues.

Look at Peter make all these bold pronouncements with no qualifiers. It’s almost like he’s taking an actual stand on things. WESTIN WILL FIX ITS RESERVATION SYSTEM. I FEEL IT IN MY BONES.

I wouldn’t go too far in burying Sunday’s bad teams. The Manning-less Colts are one thing.

Let’s not go burying shitty teams just yet. Except the Colts. They’re fucked.

Having said that, I do not like what I see out of the Chiefs.

And the Chiefs. They suck too. Otherwise, don’t count anyone out! Except for Cleveland, Seattle, Minnesota, the Giants, and Tennessee. Otherwise, everything is up for grabs.

Kansas City had a bad summer on the field, never looked in sync on either side of the ball, lost Matt Cassel’s best weapon (tight end Tony Moeaki)…

Did Dwayne Bowe die?

“Cam’s very disappointed,” wide receiver Steve Smith said after the Panthers couldn’t finish a last-gasp drive and lost to Arizona, 28-21. He shouldn’t be, but of course, that’s a good sign; the guy’s a competitor.

You hear that! HE’S A COMPETITOR. He loves to compete! He loves going against other people in games of skill and once there, he just wants to win! Gotta love that competitive competitiveness. So few players in this league actually want to engage in the physical activity of playing football against other people.

Is there any way the Colts could be bad enough to be in the Andrew Luck derby on draft day? Very unlikely…

Why is it unlikely? You just counted them out for the full season. Houston hung a fucking thirtyburger on them in one half.

…but the team will do its due diligence. And is there any way they’d take a quarterback from the possible pool of well-regarded players — such as USC’s Matt Barkley, Oklahoma’s Landry Jones or a still-to-emerge 2011 college star passer? That’s more possible.


This is not a new story. Last spring, shortly before the draft, the Colts sent a three-man team, including coach Jim Caldwell, to Fort Worth to work out and get to know TCU quarterback Andy Dalton. Had Dalton been there late in the second round, would the Colts have pulled the trigger on him to be Manning’s heir? We’ll never know.

Could they have drafted Andy Dalton? MAYBE. Would his rugged ginger looks endeared him to a fanbase comprised of 70% redheaded people over 375 pounds? POSSIBLY. Could he have overtaken Manning and had Indiana residents carving lard sculptures of his likeness? PERHAPS IN THE FRINGE UNIVERSE.

Look at Polian’s history, however, and you see he loves acquiring franchise quarterbacks. (Duh. Who doesn’t?)

The Seahawks?

Joe Montana was traded at 36. If traded after the season, Manning would be 36. I am not suggesting Manning will be traded. In fact, I don’t see any way it will happen.

Here’s a little factoid for you that I believe means NOTHING. Don’t go thinking that just because I said both dudes were 36 years old at one point that I’m implying what you think I’m implying. This fact was recounted to you simply to take up space and nothing more. In other news, I am concerned about John Lackey.

But if the Colts finish 2-14 (and that has a snowball’s chance in Phoenix of happening)…

So now it’s not only “very unlikely”, but actually an impossibility? You downgraded the potential of that occurrence three times in one column. Join us in a few paragraphs, when Peter tells you that Roger Goodell has expressly FORBID Indy from finishing DFL and getting the number one pick. WILL NOT HAPPEN. EVER. NEVER EVER.

Check out Bill Polian’s history when confronted with a quarterback need… (though) none of his teams were in remotely the same position as the 2012 Colts could be in.

Hey, here’s some more history that means nothing. Did you know Bill Polian was ALSO once 36 years old?

Tony Dungy had an excellent observation on our Saturday night NFL special on NBC.

This happens every King column. It’s always, “My NBC colleague Tony Dungy made a great point Sunday night,” or, “Tony Dungy, with whom I am friends, said something interesting the other day,” or, “BIG DUNGENUGGET TO TELL YOU ABOUT.”

9. Buffalo (1-0). As Bill Parcells says, “I go by what I see.”

“And what I see is a bunch of filthy Japs.”

13. Pittsburgh (0-1). A wise Chinese philosopher once said: “Give the Steelers a mulligan. No way they’re that bad. They’ll never turn it over again seven times in a game in the next 10 years.”

Confucius say, “Man who bury Steelers too fast going to go regret it more than eating gallon of egg fried rice.”

Confucius say, “Big Ben eating pussy is chow fun.”

Confucius say, “Andrew Luck will never be a Colt. MAYBE.”

Confucius say, “If I Broncos, I draft Tebow and pop bubble wine.”

“I want the country of Sept. 12th again, when everybody came together. We said we’d never forget and now we can live up to it.”

— Jon Bon Jovi, New Jersey resident, to Larry Neumeister of the Associated Press, on this solemn occasion of the 10th anniversary of the towers going down.

LARRY: God, I need a quote for this piece. I need someone who defines the spirit of our nation. Someone who’s like Springsteen, but much more easy to get on the phone. Someone who, times when he’s alone, well all he does is THINK. Like Tom Dimitroff does. I GOT IT. I’ll ask Bon Jovi.

In a loss, the Panthers won.

In a failure, the Panthers succeeded. In a death, the Panthers semi-lived. In a tragedy, an ancient Chinese philosopher say the Panthers triumphed.

With the best opening day by a quarterback in NFL history, Newton completed 24 of 37 for 422 yards (422!), two touchdowns and one interception. I didn’t see much of the game, only the highlights, but Newton’s competitiveness, his arm and his legs showed up at Arizona.

I didn’t watch any of it, but he’ll ALWAYS be that good!

The under-the-radar, terminally underappreciated (Rex) Grossman — rightfully so — managed the game perfectly for the Redskins in a 28-14 win over the Giants.

How can you be underappreciated if every was right to underappreciate you? I wish you people had appreciated Rex Grossman more back when he did NOTHING to earn your admiration.

In the last three or four years, some have tried to put (Brian) Urlacher out to pasture. Not dominant. Piles on too many downed runners instead of making big plays himself. How do you spell “pshaw”?


A lot of people thought Urlacher was finished. HOW DO YOU SPELL MMMRRRUPMHHHERRR?!!!



Randall Cobb’s nickname inside the Packer locker room is Corn.

I get it! Wise Chinese man say that pun going to Bangkok!

I’ve been on some short flights before…

“Mister King, you’re going to have to leave this flight early for being too fat.”

…but how’s this for the 66-miles-as-the-crow-flies puddle jump from Chicago to Milwaukee last Tuesday:


7: Minutes from the time we got above 10,000 feet and could use laptops to the time we were on our final descent and had to turn off all electronic devices.

27: Minutes from takeoff to landing.

0: People who needed that information.

4: Orphans that died in the time it took you to read it.

1: Kit Kat that remained cool throughout the journey.

For those who would ask…


(I might be one of them if I hadn’t flown myself and knew my itinerary), “Why’d you fly from Chicago to Milwaukee?”

Because you are lazy.

…the answer is that I flew from Boston to Milwaukee, with a plane change in Chicago.

Fascinating. Stunning. Fucking amazing tale.

Normally I might just get a rental car in Chicago and drive up, but I was able to use the time at O’Hare to finish my Tuesday column.

And then I got some coffee and thought about buying an issue of Playboy’s Book of Lingerie, but didn’t! Then I took a dump! Then I had a hard time getting my rollerboard to extend! Then some man was eating peanuts nearby! LEMME SHOW YOU THE PICTURES.

I was in Milwaukee Tuesday afternoon to speak to students at Marquette.

“Be lofty to each other. And… PARTY ON, DUDES!”

Afterward, I drove two hours to Green Bay, directly to an NBC planning dinner at the Brett Favre Steakhouse.

“I’ll have the Brett Favre. RARE.”

I got off the highway, took a right on Holmgren Way, drove a mile or so to Brett Favre Pass (just before intersecting with Lombardi Avenue), took a right on Brett Favre Pass, and pulled into the parking lot at the steakhouse. Had I driven further on Brett Favre Pass, I’d have come to Tony Canadeo Run. From there, I’d have been able to take a left onto Reggie White Way, or I could have driven another block and dead-ended at Bart Starr Drive.

What about Shithead Street? Did you spend anytime driving on Shithead Street?

Rumor has it Green Bay’s a football town.

O ho ho! Something tells me people here in Wisconsin like themselves a little bit of football! And don’t look now, but I here that a few gays in San Fran like themselves the cock!

So when Hurricane Irene was headed up the East Coast, ESPN’s Adam Schefter…


who lives right in the path of the storm on Long Island, thought he should pack up the family — wife, two kids, dogs — and drive west.

Follow me to Albany, Adam! In Albany, we can be safe! We can start a new life! A BETTER LIFE. We can have non-bitter espresso every day and sip on citrusy beers! It’ll be a little slice of heaven!

The power on Long Island was still out when they decided to drive back home — saying they were getting on each other’s nerves might be understating it. On the way home, his son, wife and Schefter all traveled with a dog on the lap. “Driving four hours with a dog on your lap — that’s a lot of fun,” said Schefter. And when they got home … surprise! A foot of water in the basement.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that it was actually six inches of water. However, I’ve just been told by FOX’s Jay Glazer that it was not water in the basement at all, rather a patch of strawberry jam.

“Moon lit sky, free I lay. These words kiss thoughts and walk miles for you. We own the night.”

— @ArianFoster, the Houston running back, who is a poet and writer when not rehabbing a bad hamstring and trying to run over foes. He wrote that at 11:14 p.m. Central Time Tuesday.

Roger Ebert just retweeted that.

Good to see new life from John Kasay Thursday night

John Kasay! You’re more than alive!

Horsecrap Journalism of the Week Award: To FOX, for taking my quote from Tony Dungy about Lee Roy Selmon and putting it on the screen of the Lions-Bucs telecast without sourcing.

HOW DARE YOU QUOTE THE MAN I QUOTED? My NBC colleague and very good friend Tony Dungy won’t stand for this! Don’t expect me to share yuks on with the likes of you anytime soon!

I think there will be a female NFL official by 2014. My guess is 2013.

So by 2013, then. Right? I think I will be at least 54 years old 21 years from now. My guess is 55.

Not a referee, but a field official at one of the other six positions.

Well, thank God for that. I don’t want some woman menstruating all over her white ref uniform in front of my TV.

The league is scouting the small handful of female officials at the major-college level this year, and it’s not the first year a search has been conducted.

This is not a new story. Bill Polian has been watching these chick refs for years. What would Indy have looked like if Polian had drafted one to succeed Peyton Manning? THE ANSWER IS LOST TO THE TIDES.

I think it’s been a long time — maybe ever — since I’ve seen fans as imaginative as the three I met on the sidelines in Green Bay the other night.

NOTE: I swear this thought was presented with NO elaboration.

On a day Kerry Collins got pulverized and was almost wholly ineffective, he had 197 passing yards and passed Joe Montana into 10th place on the all-time passing-yards list, with 40,638.

Put that man in Canton with Drew Bledsoe!

Sorry. I liked the Maryland uniforms. They look like the state flag.

That was on purpose.

Yes, I had the Spotted Cow in Wisconsin. Good summer beer. Light and a little cloudy-yellow.


I tried the Alterra Coffee in the Milwaukee Airport, as many of you suggested.

Such a human airport.

I’ve had it before and liked it OK, but there was some different taste to it that I couldn’t quite figure out. This time I could: licorice. And licorice in the espresso — uh, no.

You get that licorice crap out of my face. Now excuse me while I have my Starbucks barista whip me up a nutmeg eggnog gingerbread caramel custard foam latte. Now THAT is how coffee should taste.

What a good coffee town Appleton, Wisc., is.

LOFTY coffee town.

In a two-block stretch of downtown on College Avenue (I once had night-before-the-game dinner with Bears linebacker Ron Rivera in an Italian place on this street), there are local espresso places — the trendy and modern Copper Rock, the homey and filled-with-locals Brewed Awakenings

And look over there! It’s Flick the Bean! And just down the street is Blend Me Over!

— and if those aren’t good enough for you, there’s a Starbucks on the corner.

HOLY FUCK. That must be the most economically vital town in our union!

I can’t imagine there’s a better downtown coffee experience in a medium-sized, middle America city.

Call it Coffeeville!

And thanks to Ira Freehof and his wonderful Comfort Diner on 45th Street in Manhattan for giving me a great place to write Sunday morning — and some pretty good oatmeal pancakes.

“These pancakes aren’t starchy enough. Can you add some oatmeal? And bits of firewood?

Interesting 15-second experience in my Manhattan hotel Saturday. Got stuck in an elevator, sort of, with Bob Lanier.


You know, the Hall of Fame basketball player. I was on the elevator, it stopped at Lanier’s floor, he got on, doors closed … and nothing. For 15, 20 seconds. Then I opened the doors by pressing the door open button, let them close again, and finally we got down to the lobby.

And when the door opened… BANG. We were in Milwaukee.

NOTE: The next reading for the Postmortal will be at Book Court in Brooklyn a week from today at 7PM. See you there.

Around The Web