The rancid piece of hamburger meat you see above came from no cow — it’s actually a rancid Twinkie, as rare a sight in the wild as Bigfoot or a YouTube video without a racist comment. Unlike Sasquatch, though, the “semiunwrapped authentic Hostess Twinkie, rotten as hell,” courtesy of Hostess (R.I.P.), is for sale on eBay, and you have until midday Wednesday to drop a cool $50 on the moldy dog turd. The full listing:
Up for sale today is one (1) semiunwrapped authentic Hostess Twinkie, rotten as hell.
I’ve never seen one, and neither have you! I really did believe that these things and cockroaches would be the only thing to survive a nuclear war, but I was wrong.
Easiest way to do this is to explain my story. I have impulse control issues, and one of them concerns (concerned) Twinkies. To put it bluntly, I love them. Like a dog, I eat them (ate) until I got sick.
So, my wife rarely buys a box for me because she knows what will happen.
Well, last year she took pity on me one movie night, and brought home a box of the creamy goodness in addition to something out of redbox. We pop the corn, dim the lights, and I bust into my box. I inhale the first one, and crack open the second one while watching the movie. Something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye. Inches from my mouth, I actually stop to look at the golden wonder for a second. It is GREEN. Not yellow, green. I turn the lights on to make sure my eyes aren’t playing a trick on me.
They aren’t. That sumbitch is GREEN. With streaks. My mouth starts tingling. I don’t feel so well.
So, I survived, but I wrapped the green twinkie in clingwrap, and then decided I’d write Hostess. Obviously, they wanted it but I said no. They sent me a few weeks later a letter saying hey, guess what. It’s not kryptonite, and surprise, they do go bad. Then, they gave me two coupons for free boxes of twinkies.
It was suggested I toss the Twinkie, but I was fascinated. So, like a biology experiment, I’ve kept it in my completely environmentally controlled top of my refrigerator, where I occasionally check on it to see what it’s gonna morph into.
Then, Hostess went tits up.
Maybe someone will start making them again, maybe not. You will never be able to get this Twinkie, from the original recipe, original machinery, and original plant conditions again. Who knows what this thing will turn into? And, who knows why this thing went bad in the wrapper. Bad QA/QC at the end? Intentional infection of the supply by a striker??
I will NOT sell this to any country or nation state with an active biological weapons program, because I don’t want them to weaponize whatever bug is capable of taking out a Twinkie. Nor do I want to release a Twinkie virus into the wild, ruining future supplies, so you have to promise to treat this thing responsibly.
Also, I guess I need to explain to some people, that although at one time this might have been considered food, IT IS NOT FOOD NOW. DO NOT EAT. DO NOT EAT. DO NOT EAT. It is a scientific and historical curiosity only! (Via)
SOLD: to the frat boy, who’s going to bet his buddy STDave that he can’t eat the whole thing without puking.