At Home With The Harbs

11.03.11 6 years ago 36 Comments

Jim Harbaugh: Big game this week, huh?

John Harbaugh: You know it. Steelers. Gotta get after ’em. We took it to them once this season, but you know they’re gonna fire back.

Jim: Oh yeah. You can’t take a team like the Steelers lightly.

John: Who do you have? The Redskins? Must be nice.

Jim: What does that mean?

John: It means the Redskins suck and your team should defeat them without difficulty.

Jim: I’m not sure that’s what you were actually saying.

John: Okay. Then tell me, Jim, what exactly was I saying?

Jim: Think you were saying my guys have a cake schedule. That they aren’t for real.

John: What is it with you?

Jim: No, no, don’t back down now.

John: Back down from what? I didn’t say anything.

Jim: THERE HE GOES. You’ve always been an insecure little turd, haven’t you?

John: Whatever, Jim. I’m not getting into this with you. There something else on your mind?

Jim: So when you guys lose to the Steelers, you think any of the reporters will have the sack to ask whether you were looking ahead to your epic Thanksgiving Day showdown with your younger, famous-er brother?

John: First of all, we’re not gonna lose to the Steelers. And even if we did, no reporter will ask that, because the Steelers are our biggest rival. We’ve lost to them twice in the playoffs in the last four seasons. Why would we look past them?

Jim: Were your biggest rival.

John: What?

Jim: The Steelers were your biggest rival. Now you got us.

John: The 49ers? You aren’t even in our conference. How can you have a rivalry against a team you only play once every four years?

Jim: Oh. Too scared to have a rivalry, huh? That just like when you chickened out of that Week 1 game in Pittsburgh after the Steelers won the Super Bowl? Or when you needed me to chase off Lucas when he was gonna kick your ass in high school?

John: Kiss my ass, Jim.

Jim: Chicken!

John: Stop it!

Jim: Chicken! Buh-kaw! Buck! Buck! Buh-kaw!


[Two wrestle on the floor for three minutes until Jim gets him in a headlock]

Jim: Still the same little runt. How are you the older brother? You’re still jealous I got to play pro ball and you didn’t. Admit it.

John: No, because I’m an awesome coach and I’ve been the playoffs every year since I took over.

Jim: You just got lucky. You inherited a team that went 13-3 two years before you came in. Anybody could have won with that roster. I took over for a team that hasn’t been to the playoffs in almost a decade and thanks to me, they have the second best record in the league. And don’t look now, but my team has a better record than yours.

John: Good for you, Jim. We’re all really happy for you.

Jim: They’re also the only team in the league that has allowed fewer points than your overhyped defense.

John: Whatever, Jim. It’s only seven games into the season.

Jim: Plus, I’m the best quarterback in your team’s history. Baltimore loves me more than you.

John: WHAT? You only played one season with the Ravens and you sucked.

Jim: That’s not what I remember.

John: You sucked. Face it.

Jim: Well Joe Flacco sucks.

John: Well Alex Smith sucks.

Jim: Well your face sucks.

John: Well mom loves me more.

Jim: That’s only ’cause she knows you need it. Because you’re weak.

John: I’m gonna kick your ass on Thanksgiving so hard you won’t even show up for Christmas.

Jim: I’m gonna kick your ass on Thanksgiving so hard that I’ll have to get you a new ass for Christmas to replace the one I dented with my foot.

John: You didn’t even get me anything for Christmas last year.

Jim: That’s ’cause I gave you that signed ball for your birthday.

John: What asshole gives his brother a football that he himself signed?

Jim: Someone who has been asked to sign a lot of footballs in his life and is awesome?

John: Look, this is getting old. I’ve got a big game on Sunday to prepare for.

Jim: Oh, you’ll be all right. It’s not like you’re the playing the Jaguars or anything.


[The two wrestle on the ground for another two minutes until Jim traps John in an arm bar.]

John: Ow! Lemme go!

Jim: Not until you admit we’re your rival. That when I beat you, you’re gonna throw a bitchfest that makes Jim Schwartz look like George Patton.

John: No! That’s stupid! I won’t!

Jim: Guess we’re gonna be here all day, then.

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