‘Baby Owns Her Trauma, NOW GIVE HER THE WHIP!’ The KSK Fantasy Sex/Football Mailbag

06.11.09 8 years ago 107 Comments

In last week’s mailbag, one emailer faced the temptation of his brother’s wife’s advances, and promised to send KSK the nude picture that said siren used to tempt him.  Since then, many commenters and emailers have wondered why we haven’t posted this picture, because, uh… we always post naked pictures of anonymous women?  Oh wait, we never do that.  Sorry, that picture is a perk for the KSK staff only.

And just between us, it is FANTASTIC. Suckas!

In this week’s bag,  we dole out advice to a masochistic Seahawks fan — is there any other kind? — envy an Arizona grad with a sexy dilemma, and revisit our advice to virgins and people exploring the world of herpes-sex.  All that and more after the jump.  Take off your pants and join me, won’t you?

Dearest Cockmonkeys,
SEX: Since it’s pertinent to the question, I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, went through years of therapy, am a perfectly happy and functional adult now, have a great marriage, etc. As a teenager I got into a lot of self-destructive sexual behaviors, blah, blah, blah, I don’t engage in them anymore. The root of the issue is that I also can’t orgasm unless hardcore S&M porn is happening on my computer or in my head and even then it’s not nearly as much fun as it is when I use bargain basement methods to do it to myself.

Wow, sorry about the sexueal abuse, but I’m impressed by your adjustment.  And so is Sado-Bunny:

I have finally accepted that I am a masochist for life, nothing is going to change that, and sex is simply not going to be any fun for me unless we stop pussyfooting around with handcuffs and spankings and my husband really starts hurting me. I don’t have any issues with the psychology of this (doing it with someone I love and trust for sexual gratification being different from doing it with some random skeezy fuckhead out of twisted self-loathing – thanks, therapy!). I just need some advice on how to handle it with my husband. I’ve brought it up sort of tangentially over the past few months, so this is hardly coming out of left field for him, it’s just that he doesn’t have a sadistic bone in his body and I kind of doubt his ability to go hardcore on me. How can I make sure he doesn’t pussy out? Can you recommend any resources for opening his mind to the joys of sadism? Should I sign him up for dominatrix training? Promise him anal in exchange for carving me up with sharp, poky things?  Baby owns her trauma, NOW GIVE HER THE WHIP!

My God.  That letter was hot and terrifying, like unprotected sex with Lindsay Lohan.  It’s good and healthy that you know what works for you, and you certainly deserve to have a fulfilling sex life.  While the promise of anal and dominatrix classes (they have those?) both sound like good ideas, I’d try to appeal to your husband’s desire to satisfy you.  Most men will go to great lengths to get their ladies off, and maybe you guys can work out a one-for-one deal — for every time he whips you with the cat-o’-nine-tails, you indulge in one of his fantasies.  RAWR sexy compromises!

FOOTBALL: Speaking of masochism, I’m a Seahawks fan. With a choke-ready NFC, a surprisingly lucrative draft, the addition of Housh and a soft division, am I delusional for starting to maybe think about considering them as contenders next season?

Talk hard, gentlemen,
The Eat Me Beat Me Lady

Contenders for the NFC West?  Eh, maybe.  But I wouldn’t hope for much of  playoff run.  There are an awful lot of question marks on that Seahawks team, such as the offensive line and an aging Matt Unhealthyback.  Plus there’s the known commodity of shittiness that is the worst free safety in all of pro football, Brian Fucking Russell.  Not exactly a feather in your cap when your main division rival has Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald.

Not to be pessimistic, but I expect the greatest thing about being a Seahawks fan in 2009 will be cheering against the Broncos every week.  Oh man, I can’t wait for the ‘Hawks to get Sam Bradford with the Broncos’ #1 pick.

Great Pontificators of Poon,

I am a lifelong Minnesota resident and have recently made the misguided decision to enroll at UW – Madison for grad school. Putting aside the moral, health and happiness issues stemming from this choice, I have two questions for you guys:

Football: As a huge fan of all Minnesota teams except the Wolves (NBA is the gay), how do I survive fall weekends in Madison? I plan on attending Badger games, but face ejection from the will (and possible seppuku) if I cheer for the home team.

Umm, I’m a little confused by your syntax.  As you’re an actual student at Madison, you’re allowed to root for the Badgers without violating Fan Loyalty Code Rule 83 (b), as long as they’re not facing Minnesota.  Or, if you’re imbued with enough hate to cheer against the home team, that’s fine, too.  Just wear neutral colors and don’t be a loudmouth.

As for Sundays, should I just off myself if TarVar is starting again this fall?

Even if they don’t make Weekend at Brettie’s 2, they’re still more likely to start Rosencopter than Tarvaris Jackson.

Sex: I’ve got an pretty cool girlfriend (read: likes watching football) and I’d like to keep things going while she stays back in Minneapolis. Recommend some porn sites/breathing exercises to help me keep my snake in its cage.

I’ve got a better idea: make sure you both have webcams, and go download Skype.  If you’re gonna be jerkin’ it, you may as well let it contribute to your relationship.

Purveyors of the Hater-aid,
Football Question First: As a New England fan *ducks empties*, I passed on Dreamboat for QB two years ago, only to watch him come damn close to breaking a ton of records, beating me in the playoffs, and then losing the freakin’ SB to top it off. Last year, I was fortunate enough to be too low on the list to draft him, and saved myself a heart attack.

Not me.  Thanks, Bernard Pollard!  I didn’t want production from my #1 pick anyway!

With a surgically repaired knee, and a system that caters to not having the QB move too much, do you see TB as a value type of acquisition, or is he going to be back in the 1st/2nd round this season?

Hmm. My hunch is that Brady will be a top-five fantasy quarterback in terms of numbers, but you can’t expect the ridiculous numbers he put up in 2007.  Depending on how the draft goes, I’d hold off until the 3rd round in a 12-team league.

Sexy Question: How dirty is too dirty when it comes to dirty talk in the sack? My current is phenomenal, but definitely anti-denigrating speech. Is there a way to get her to loosen up a little bit in case I let some porn dialogue slip during the deed, or should I just keep my mouth shut?
A Non-Masshole Douchebag

How dirty is too dirty is up to your girlfriend.  But if you’re looking to get some racier dialogue, I recommend baby steps.  Just the mere act of talking during sex — y’know, instead of grunting with your eyes closed while you think about someone more attractive — is a good step.  “I love the way you do X” or “I love the way your Y feels” or “You turn me on so much” are nice and clean ways to open up communication during sex.  Consider it “gateway talk” on the way to calling her your little truck-stop whore.

Dear Viceroys of Vag,
Football first, because I don’t care about much else. Last year I drafted DeSean Jackson in the late rounds of my fantasy league to be my third WR option and he turned out to be pretty good. He finished the year with around 118 points and I finished third in my league (which is WAAAAY better than I usually do). This year I’m gonna stay away from Jackson (’cause I think he’s gonna have a sophmore slump, despite being an Eagles fan), but should I expect the same fantasy production out of Philly rookie Jeremy Maclin? All the “experts” in the city of brotherly love can’t stop sucking his cock.

I think of Maclin as having a Jericho Cotchery kind of season — he’ll have a game or two where he gets away for two long touchdowns while he’s on your bench, then you start him the next week and he gives you 2 catches for 16 yards.  And I don’t have any reason whatsoever for feeling this way, but there it is.  Solid advice from a guy who’s barely made it into the fantasy playoffs the last two years.

As for sex, well I’m not having it. In fact I’m still a card-carrying virgin at 21. After learning that a friend of mine was bending bitches over tables at the spry age of 16, I’ve decided to get my shit in gear. There’s this girl I’ve been talking to for a couple weeks now, and I’ve led on that I liked her more than once. But she’s just not gettin the idea. A buddy of mine told me that she got out of a relationship a while back and is kinda nervous to get back into the swing of things because it apparently got real ugly toward the end. I’m not looking for a girlfriend, just some ass. So am I wasting my time here with what seems to be “damaged goods”?
I hate the Emo Iggles fans

Yes.  Also, please see last week’s advice for aging virgins.

Football: Do you believe Fitzgerald is a legitimate first round pick, or is it a reach? I know standard thinking has rb/qb in the first round, but with the ongoing uncertainty around Boldin and Fitzgerald’s unreal postseason run, is he a better value than the sixth best rb or declining Peyton?

Manning’s no longer a first-round pick.  Period.  That said, the nefarious rise of running-back-by-committee has devalued running backs in general, so you should be open to drafting other positions beginning  in the late first round.  Is Fitty the man to take?  I don’t know.  Common sense tells me that Fitzgerald’s meastiness in the post-season will make us overvalue him come draft time, but it’s hard to argue with the consistency he displayed in 2008 — even when his yardage dropped, he had a tendency to find the end zone.

Sex: So I’ve been dating this girl since November, great girl, lofty girl. She really is great: hot, down for whatever, hangs out with the guys while we watch basketball/football, fucks whenever, the whole shebang. The thing is I just graduated from the University of Arizona and she has a year left, and as I am going to the Peace Corps in August we have an understanding that we will have fun now and break up when the time comes, no hard feelings.

Since she is leaving to go abroad in about two weeks I just have to be a good guy until then and then I can end a good relationship on a good note with a clear conscious. But… there is this friend of a friend, an amazingly gorgeous chick who put out the word that she was into me and I tried to slow play it until my girlfriend left, but things happened and long story short I hooked up with her about a week ago and have a couple times since. So now I am alternating nights between my awesome girlfriend who I really want to do right by, and this unbelievable 19-year-old chick who is way out of my league so I can’t say no to.

Now I know the right thing to do is be a stand up guy with my girlfriend for these last two weeks since she has been so perfect and I genuinely care about her, but part of me realizes that jeopardizing a summer of banging this super hot chick for two weeks of “being a good guy” might be shortsighted. And like I said we are breaking up anyway.

So in your guys’ opinion, should I 1) give the young hottie excuses as to why I can’t hang out and focus on my gf for the next two weeks? 2) dump the gf now by saying some bullshit like “I feel myself drifting away and starting to think like a a single guy as we get closer to going our separate ways, and I don’t want to do anything to hurt you, so maybe we should be break up now,”? or 3) keep banging both on alternating nights and hope it doesn’t blow up?

I’m pretty sure some/most of your readers might say no shit that I should keep banging both, but I don’t really want to be “that guy.” Help me out.

Oof.  This is a tough one.  I can’t in good conscience give you the green light to keep hooking up with both.  I’d recommend effecting the break-up two weeks early.  You’re already breaking up, right?  Go ahead and tell her you met someone else, and that it would be unfair to both of you to keep going for another two weeks when you’re both moving on to other things.

I’ve been dating a girl for a month now and am really excited about her. She’s into good music, we have a good time together, and she loves making jokes about rape and abortion.

Ooh, a keeper!

We agreed to take it slow in the bedroom which is cool with me because fucking right away hasn’t really worked out so far. The catch is last night she told me she has herpes. Can you or the commenters help me out with how concerned I should be? I’ve gone my whole life without an STD and I’d like to keep it that way. I think she’s worth dealing with it for. I just want to be responsible.

Ah, the herp.  Allow me to reprint what Drew wrote about it three months ago:

I think it’s pretty damn considerate (and rather) brave of her to let you know that she’s got the herps. Estimates say 40% of New Yorkers have herpes. At this point, it’s less a disease than a cool genital accessory (oooh look! Spots!). She’s right about it not being that big a deal. If you use a rubber and never hook up during outbreaks, you should be fine. But you should ALWAYS wear a rubber, because the truth is that herpes can indeed spread even when she is not breaking out if you aren’t using protection. CRIMINY! Sly little virus, that herpes.[…]

The real issue is down the road. If you end up getting married and wanting to have kids with this girl or something, at some point you’ll have to risk riding bareback. Is it worth the occasional breakout of dick spots to have a happy relationship with a woman you find extremely attractive? I say yes. Getting a hot girl with herpes is like getting a Corvette at government auction. THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!

Who can we count on for stable performers in the backfield this year? Every single guy seems so high risk/ high reward. Guys are either unproven, injury risks, old, young, etc. I’ll sacrifice potential for stability. My heart can’t take it.

In no particular order: Purple Jesus.  Chris Johnson.  Matt Forte.  Michael Turner.  Those are my guesses for the safest picks.  Not necessarily the most productive picks — the least likely to make you go bald and/or be suicidal on Sunday nights.

Sex: I had a casual hookup relationship with a friend a whiles back which ended as well as such a thing could: we went our separate ways, both moving to new locations and we still keep in touch. Now, fate soon brings me back to where she is living, which is fine, as I enjoy her friendship, only now, in my desperation to find a roommate to help split living costs, I may end up having to ask her to live with me. We’d get along great, only, I know she has feelings for me and this could end up totally awkward if we were living together and I got into a relationship with someone else. So, do I try to find someone else to live with?


Do I live with her and just avoid bringing anyone home?

NO!  Are you insane?

This has the potential to be a terribly strange living situation.

If by “strange” you mean “awful,” then yes.  I’d rather roll the dice with anyone on Craigslist than enter into what you’re talking about.

Football: Will Lee Evans have a breakout year this year? He usually does ok season-long (though he is very on and off depending on the week), but with T.O. lining up, he’s going to draw single coverage with the number 2 corner, so is he worth picking as a top 1 or 2 receiver in a fantasy league?

You make an excellent point; I’ve been so ingrained to avoid Lee Evans like underage girls that I hadn’t considered the likelihood that he’ll face more favorable coverages.  On the other hand, what team has T.O. ever played on where the #2 receiver got fantasy-worthy looks?  How’d that Roy Williams trade work out for Dallas?  As much as I like your thinking, I’d have to stick with the status quo here.  the status quo being “Don’t Lee Evans fuck over your fantasy team.”

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