Behold The Legendary Wrestler of Secret

05.05.09 9 years ago 19 Comments

Ben Roethlisberger: HI BATCH!

Charlie Batch: Hey Ben.

Ben Roethlisberger: YOU KNOW TODAY IS FIVE-O DE MAY-O?

Charlie Batch: Yeah, you’re right. I guess it is.

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT MEAN WE GOTTA GET TOE UP FROM FLO’ UP

Charlie Batch: What now?

Ben Roethlisberger: DRUNK. MESSICAN-STYLE.

Charlie Batch: I dunno, man. I’m getting up there in years. My partying days are a little behind me, I think. Jeff Reed’s probably already at the bar though.

Ben Roethlisberger: BOOOOOOOO

Charlie Batch: Sorry, man.

Ben Roethlisberger: BOOOOOOOO

Charlie Batch: Look, man, I told you I was sorry.

Ben Roethlisberger: I WUZ SAYIN’ BOOOOOO-ATCH.

Charlie Batch: Gotcha… What do you have planned?

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN GOT THIS HERE LUNCHA LIBRE MASK. I THINK LUNCHA LIBRE MEAN FREE LUNCH, SO I WEAR MASK, I GET FREE GRUB ON. THEN START DRINK.

Charlie Batch: Uh, you might be confused. I think lucha libre is a type of wrestling.

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN HAVE TO WRESTLE FOR LUNCH?

Charlie Batch: Looks that way.

Ben Roethlisberger: THE BEN MUST BECOME BEN MYSERTIO JR., LEGENDARY WRESTLER OF SECRET!

Charlie Batch: But you just told me your identity.

Ben Roethlisberger: HARF HARF HARF. MUST FIND WAY TO THROW YOU OFF TRAIL

[Later]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI DIESEL

Brett Keisel: What’s up?

Ben Roethlisberger: CALLING IN FAVOR

Brett Keisel: But I don’t owe you a favor.

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S WHY I CALLS IT IN

Brett Keisel: Um, okay. What do you want?

Ben Roethlisberger: HOW WOULD THE BRETT LIKE TO BE THE BEN? I MAKES IT WORTH YOUR WHILE

[Later, during team drills]

Ben Mysterio Jr.: ONE SIDE, ONE SIDE, JABRONI.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: I, BEN MYSTERIO JR., ON THIS DAY, FIVE-O DE MAY-O, EXTEND OPEN CHALLENGE FOR FREE LUNCH TO ANY WHO DARE ACCEPT. WHO WILL STEP FORWARD TO TAKE ON LEGENDARY WRESTLER OF SECRET?

Brett Keisel: And, uh, I’m just, I mean, I IZ THE BEN, HANGING OUT OVER HERE AND NOT WHERE BEN MYSTERIO JR. IS AT. PEW PEW PEW, ETC.

Frank Summers: Free lunch sounds good. I’ll take that fight.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: A ROOKIE TANK HAS STEPPED INTO THE OCTAGON

Frank Summers: What Octagon? Where’s the Octagon?

Ben Mysterio Jr.: ROOKIE TANK HAS STEPPED INTO BATTLE ZONE WITH LOOSELY DEFINED BOUNDARIES

Teammates: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

[Summers lunges at Mysterio, attempts to throw him down, but Ben shakes free of his grasp]

Frank Summers: Damn. This dude’s actually pretty tough to bring down.

[Mysterio scrambles around the field, occasionally breaking free of Summers’ tackles. Summers eventually becomes fatigued and doubles over, and Ben pins him with his foot]

Ben Mysterio Jr.: I IZ TRIUMPH! NOW PREPARE TO BE SHOCKED WITH SURPRISE AS BEN MYSTERIO JR. SHOWS SELF [takes off mask] TO BE BEN ROETHLISBERGER

[Teammates feign surprise]

Ben Roethlisberger: NOW WHERE IS FREE LUNCH?

Mike Tomlin: At the mess hall, like every day.

Ben Roethlisberger: ALLLLLLL RRRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTTT! [Skips away gleefully]

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