Unless you’re a big fan of watching Jay Cutler being mangled, humbled and made to atone for ruining the momentarily raised hopes of a fan base, there wasn’t much else for you to savor about Thursday night’s game between the Bears and Packers. Except there is no one who doesn’t like watching that. So clearly last night was a resounding success. Cheers, everybody!
NFL Network trotted out its new theme with Cee Lo, which was appropriate given the singer’s affinity with Cutler’s kin, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s awful-to-godawful. Even though he’s on a bunch of TV shows I’d rather not watch, I still generally approve of Cee Lo. It’s entirely possible that Cee Lo just half-assed the making of this theme, but I like to NFL just wanted someone to bellow FOOTBALL FOOTBALL WHO WANTS FOOTBALL over a beat and, hey, Cee Lo Green is a crossover star that won’t cost all the money! Let’s get him!
Anyway, back to Cutty because there are a lot of Cutlerf*cker moments to make fun of.
Charles Woodson and Cutler had a similar situation to what JerMichael Finley and Perrish Cox got into at Lambeau on Sunday. Instead, this time, it was the opponent who was straddled over a downed Packers player. Like Finley did with Cox, Cutler nudged Woodson with his foot to move him, but instead of rolling Cutler over, Woodson got to his feet and started barking in Cutty’s face. And he gave a pretty bitchy quote about Catler later on. REEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR! Take it to the alley, you two.
Charles Woodson with the quote of the night: “Same old Jay. We don’t need luck, we just need to be in position. Jay will throw us the ball.”
— SC_DougFarrar (@SC_DougFarrar) September 14, 2012
Left tackle J’Marcus Webb will be hard to top for Leastiness for Week 2. We don’t wanna discourage anyone from getting it their best (worst?) shot, so keep the derps coming, guys. Anyway, at one point, Cutler berated his left tackle on the sideline for trying to get his quarterback killed. He then followed it up with a shoulder bump. Or could that be construed as a purr? Cats are so hard to read.
While Cutler was lashing out at his left tackle for letting Cutty get sacked, like, 15 times by Clay Matthews, he showed off his reassuring side when Brandon Marshall let a catchable pass bounce off his hands in the end zone. “There, there. You could’ve caught it, but you didn’t. I don’t know. Let’s just forget about this and tear into that bag of dry food that our owner has on the shelf.”
The fake field goal snapped me out of… I can’t say sleep, but definitely at least a mental fugue. Wait, what happened! Stuff!? This game has excitement? Anyway, the fake was great for many reasons, but especially because it counted as a pass for Tim Masthay, so everyone could throw in their “haha, Cutler got outclassed by the punter” jokes.
Cutler: 8.6 passer rating; Tim Masthay: 158.3.
— Adam Caplan (@caplannfl) September 14, 2012
Nice shot from the opening kickoff. The Packers dared to kick it to Hester a bunch of times. Albeit foolish, I salute their commitment to keeping to game watchable. It’s not like they paid for it too dearly. Only one time did Hester put up a long return. Another time he was swiftly taken down by John Kuhn, prompting one of the announcers to say, “Look at that Kuhn!” The NFL Network will have words, sir.
Awwww, loogit the cheese sombrero. That’s certainly the closest Green Bay has even come to having ethnics in the stands.
Already included the Rodgers derp in the second half of the live blog last night, so this feels a little like cheating. Like a wise man once said, if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t trying.
By popular demand, here’s Cutty being shitty and dismissive of everyone at the post-game press conference. It really is a definitive example Cutler behavior on display. He’s bitterly sarcastic, acting like a martyr and yet still striking a tone like he couldn’t be bothered at all. Textbook Cutlerfucker.
You can almost hear Catler change a play to “Oh Long Johnson”…
i enjoy cee lo’s shoulder pads, they regulation?
I want clint eastwood to live forever and get progressively more grumpy. At some point, his eyebrows will be larger than his face, and his voice will just be the sound of two cigarettes rubbing together.
Are we sure Mike Martz is no longer the offensive coordinator of the Bears?
SACK CAT FEVER!
Looks like the NFL Network special on Tim Tebow is being broadcast tonight…
On Like Ndamukong
THIS IS NOT SERIOUS FUN.
Hank Scorpios Hammock
I guess Brandon Marshall’s Non-Talented personality showed up tonight.
Knife-a goes in. Guts-a come out. That’s what the Ray Lewis Story is all about!
Jay Cutler slid like Maru.
Catler hates team meetings because the coaches always use laser pointers and he spends the whole time chasing the dot.
The Flyin Hawaiian David Kaliiki Alii
Cutler: “Meh, I have a ray of light to lay in tomorrow”