The Best Moments From The Monday Night Games

09.11.12 5 years ago 68 Comments

We were treated to two different types of ugly last night: a thorough curb-stomping and a category five sh*t storm. The Ravens took it to allegedly ascendant Bengals with their no-huddle heavy offense making a lot of people ready to anoint Joe Flacco a quarterback to be reckoned with, a scary and confusing reality, but one we’ll have to accept until the Ravens aren’t dropping 40+ on playoff teams.

The latter contest was an absolute joy if you’re into halting drives being extended by thoughtless penalties and watching the worst day of an emergency long-snapper’s life. It’s an acquired taste in football, but far be it from me to judge. There was also Chris Berman at his most Boomer, so no blame whatsoever if you decided to sit that one out. He was every bit as awful as expected, whether it was barking BANG! at the opening tackle or spending several minutes with Trent Dilfer defending Dean Spanos for keeping on Norv Turner and A.J. Smith. “You know what always works in this league? Continuity! Because, uh…y’know, TOM COUGHLIN!”

Despite the presence of Boomer, there were still enjoyable moments to be had. I have taken it upon myself to cull them for you:

I’m very curious about the cameraman broached this shot to the Raiders cheerleader. “Okay, I’m gonna bring the camera in close and I’m gonna need you to ass bump the lens. Whichever cheek if your call. Wait, lemme take a look. Actually, no, we’re going left cheek. I don’t like the lighting on the right. Okay, you ready for this?”

Ed Reed broke Rod Woodson’s record for career interception return yards with this pick-six to put the Ravens even more prohibitively ahead in their game. To think, this is a record Reed could have never experienced if he has followed through with any of his dozen retirements up to this point.

It’s a rough day to be a Goethel. The Raiders designated long-snapper left the game with an injury. Because most teams don’t bother to carry two long-snappers, anytime one goes down, the team has to frantically run up and down the sideline asking who feels confident about pitching the ball between their legs. Last night, it fell to back-up linebacker Travis Goethel, who was not quite up to the task. A couple punts were rolled into the dirt to Shane Lechler, one was blocked as a result and two were complete non-starters. Remember, the Raiders are special teams champs, according to Peter King. They can’t suffer this kind of incompetence in the one thing they do well.

A reporter asks Joe Flacco what was going through his mind on his touchdown pass to Anquan Boldin and Bert is all, “LOL. which touchdown? That could be one of six or seven different throws.”

Because the only thing Maryland and Texas have in common is the joy of putting their stupid state flag on everything, of course there’s a fan sitting next to the end zone wearing Maryland flag shorts. They’re the jorts of the mid-Atlantic states!

ESPN introduced the Soundtracks segment during the halftime of both games. Yes, Boomer was atrocious and we’ll get to his shittiness in a moment, but ESPN actually did some things right last night. The Tirico-Gruden booth is an improvement with Jaws no longer trying to one-up everybody. And the Soundtracks segment has promise, especially if it’s going to be a replacement for Berman’s Fastest Three Minutes, though I doubt it. Anyway, the Arian Foster trash talk they picked up made me smile.

Sometimes, you just like watching Ed Dickson get upended.

Hey, it’s wasn’t a turnover. Offensive play of the night for the Silver and Black!

Yes, I know this is “best moments” and nothing about Berman is the best, but I can’t hold back. I mean, he was terrible in the booth for all the ways you could have expected. It’s one thing in the studio, as that’s something I can easily ignore and miss nothing relevant. But a game is another matter. It’s like we were seated at a wedding reception table with the world’s skeeviest uncle for three hours. As always, it’s all about making sure his schtick is represented, which includes a requisite dropping of THE RAYYYYYYYDEEEEEEEHHHHHHS and making sure he can reference Marv Hubbard on a play because BOOM KNOWS HISTORY, EVERYONE. As I mentioned earlier, he spent minutes defending the Chargers retaining Norv, which is kind of fitting despite its repugnance since Chargers fans probably want Norv gone as much as any NFL fan would like Berman permanently removed from the airwaves. Seriously, Berman fucking yelled “GO! GO!” at the Raiders when they had a 4th down before half. Holy shit, you’re announcing the game. You’re not a drunk dude at a bar.

Fuck that guy.

On Like Ndamukong
Ask all girlfriends, wives, or right hand. Who is uglier: Flacco or Luck?

Otto Man
Maybe we’ve underestimated Flacco’s ability to score.

Pocket Hochules
I have A.J. Green going against Ray Rice with a four point spotting. My dick has become a second belly button. Fuck.

Moonbatting Average
Replacement ref, from under the hood: ‘looks like you need a new carburetor”

Ben-jarvis never fumbles because he knows possession is 9/10ths of the law

Bleeder in the Clubhouse
No way “ stadium” is a real thing

Bleeder in the Clubhouse
Ed Reed could use a ride home, you guys

“Art Modell was a great man, not hated in several places.”

How is it that we haven’t heard a “pin their ears back” remark regarding Baltimore yet?

Zone Read
After going out of bounds on every run, McFadden fakes them into thinking he was going out again. Play action run-out-of-bounds-like-a-bitch.

Preston Ridlehubers Revenge
This is reminding me of the first game a couple of years ago when the Raiders were so bad in the first game that I knew the season was pointless. It made watching the games more fun because less was on the line. This year, it looks like they are just good enough to make you think they might do something but not good enough to actually do something. The pain is just beginning.

Joe Wyoming
Adjectives are for bitches only verbs in Raider Nation.

I’ve decided to create a new mathematicial symbol: it’s kind of like < (less than or equal to) but is now known as €(worse than or equal to). Chris Berman and Trent Dilfer's commentary is € than Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden's commentary City of Industry Football Corporation Game summary:

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