Better Know a Draft Pick: Myron Rolle

04.20.10 8 years ago 58 Comments

My super-human intelligence allows me to surf for porn much faster than mere mortals.

Myron Rolle
School: Florida State, 2009. Took a year off to study a broad abroad.

Accolades: Third team All-American in his final season.
Off-field achievements: Studied at Oxford after being named a Rhodes Scholar. This is a very prestigious distinction because these scholarships were founded by a racist, closet-case imperialist who started the blood diamond trade.

Strength: Created the Myron L. Rolle Foundation, which is “dedicated to the support of health, wellness, educational and other charitable initiatives throughout the world that benefit children and families in need.” In other words, it attempts to undo the damages caused by people like Cecil Rhodes.

Weakness: Brian Billick wonders if Rolle’s intellect might cause him to “think too much on the field.” That’s how the NFL likes them: dumb and obedient.

Who wants him: The London Silly Nannies are simply gaga over his taste in ascots. Who’s his haberdasher?

Who will draft him: Maybe no one. Mel Kiper, Jr. questions his dedication to the game, “[T]eams want the guy to be a 24-hour, 365-days-a-year football player.” With all of his outside interests, any team that drafted Rolle could be stuck with another Jack Kemp, Alan Page or Bill Bradley.

Rex Ryan nickname-in-waiting: Encyclofuckingpedia Brown.

Mainsteam media comparison: Macho Harris
KSK comparison: Fonzworth Bentley

Pro: He has his own crest. Do you have your own crest? I thought not.

Con: His trash-talk might be too cerebral to properly frustrate NFL receivers. “I daresay, old sport, your boorish demeanor is reminiscent of that of Australopithecus. Perchance is he of any relation?”

Is he related to Samari Rolle or Antrel Rolle? No.

How about Esther “Florida Evans” Rolle from “Good Times”? We sure hope so.

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