Brady Quinn Expects To Compete For Browns’ Starting Job, Affection Of Other Men

03.03.08 10 years ago 29 Comments

When Quinn walked into the green room for the NFL Draft last April, he probably thought he was going to be a top ten pick, maybe even go number one. But he didn’t, as you’ll recall. He went 22nd.

When Charlie Frye shit the bed in Week One, Quinn thought he was probably going to get a huge bump in playing time, maybe even start a few games in his rookie season. But he didn’t. Derek Anderson jumped in and set the NFL ablaze, jump-starting the Browns to a 10-win season, and probably saving Battletoad Crennel’s job in the process.

And when Horse Balls finally got paid in free agency, with guaranteed money nearly double what Quinn is slated to earn, one would suspect that the Columbus, Ohio native had finally learned his place in the League.

Yeah, not so much. He’s expecting an open competition in training camp.

“My whole goal is preparing myself and getting ready to try to take over the starting job and lead this team,” Quinn said Saturday during [sexual intercourse with two other men, three underage boys, and a dalmatian for] an appearance at an auto show.

Browns GM Phil Savage, who’s like Ozzie Newsome, except he’s white and never played in the league, and a lot younger, has Anderson locked in as the starter:

“When you sign a contract like we did with Derek, I don’t think there’s going to be an ‘open [rest stop exit for homosexual athletes to engage in any sort of] competition’,” Browns general manager Phil Savage said. “We go in with Derek as the lead horse. You don’t sign a contract like that and say, ‘hey, it’s an open competition’.”

However, Coach Crennel is insinuating that Brady Lite will get a look:

“You have to [have the occasional sphincter stretching if you expect to get better as a football team or they’re gonna bring in some damn white boy to] compete for your job. That’s the same at the quarterback spot [where we have a nice dichotomy between super-masculine and downright Nancified, and then a third guy who I don’t know much about]. Both of those guys [and that one girl from Notre Dame] are going to compete and then we’ll see who gives us the best chance. We’ve always done it that way and that’s what we’re going to do [right after I polish off this rack of ribs, some baked beans, slaw, brisket, pork tenderloin and extra-large Barqs root beer. Holy shit, I love root beer].”

I’ll never understand coachspeak.

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