INT. OPEN WAREHOUSE OFFICE SPACE: SCATTERED DESKS MANNED BY HIPSTERS NODDING THEIR HEADS TO WHATEVER IS PLAYING THROUGH THEIR BEATS HEADPHONES, PROBABLY THE NEW TAY-SWIFT.
Hoyer (Hopelessly out of place in Target sweats and a practice jersey among young Cool Cleveland): Um, hello? Can anyone help me? I have an appointment to see Mr. LeBron James at one o’clock?
Drake (sighing, like he just CAN’T EVEN with the schlub in front of him): Yeessssssss?
Hoyer: Um, I was told this was LeBron John’s…
Hoyer: Right. James. Sorry. I’m pretty nervous. (gulps) I was told this is LeBron James’ new Cleveland office. I scheduled this appointment Sunday night to discuss our respective positions in Cleveland sports and how we can help each other.
Drake: Huh uh. Well, King James doesn’t usually handle the rec league equipment requests directly. Let me get you an intern to help you with the wallyball request form.
(Calling to a random 20 year-old in a sea of 20 year-olds.) Hey Ashley, can help this man? He’s probably looking for wallyball nets or… (looking Hoyer over, grossed out) something that involves multitudes of sweat.
Hoyer: Wallyball? Wait, no. I’m Brian Hoyer. I’m the starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns.
Drake: Don’t be silly. The Browns starting quarterback is superstar Johnny Manziel.
Hoyer: No really, I’m the starting quarterback. I’ve lead the team to a 3-2 record. We beat the Steelers last weekend.
Drake: For real? You beat the Steelers. Are you sure about that? Drake didn’t get a call to go out and have a celebration Drinking Swan from Johnny.
Hoyer: Maybe because he didn’t do anything.
Drake: Woooah. Slow down your roll, Wallyball. Drake doesn’t like when people give his friend Johnny a hard time.
Hoyer: Who is Drake? I’m not giving Manziel a hard time, I’m just stating a fact. Do I need to see Drake to get to Mr. LeBron James?
Drake:‘Who is Drake?’ Can you believe that -ish, intern Ashley? (Six girls shake their heads in disbelief, or they’re still shaking their heads to Taylor Swift, hard to tell.) ‘Who is Drake?’ I am Drake and Drake is I. And Drake is the one who let’s you see King James, and Drake is going to have to Google that shit you said about beating the Steelers before he lets Wallyball go anywhere.
Hoyer: My clothes? I came right from practice. I’m going right back to the gym after this to get ready for the Jaguars and Blake Bortles this weekend, Drake. You’d think Mr. LeBron James would understand needing to practice.
Drake: Well Wallyball isn’t going anywhere with that attitude. It’s always KING James around here and he does not need to practice as the greatest athlete that has ever lived.
Hoyer: (Under his breath) Explains the free throw percentage.
Drake: DRAKE HEARD THAT, WALLYBALL.
Hoyer: Listen, I had a meeting at 1. It’s almost 1:30. I need to get ready for Blake Bortles.
Drake: Does Blake Bortles order bottle service?
Hoyer: I don’t know, man. I don’t know what Blake Bortles does with his free time. I’m just trying to see LeBr- KING LeBron James and talk to him about being a Cleveland Browns fan.
Drake: Sounds funny, doesn’t it? Blake Bortles orders bottle service. Blake Bortles orders bottle service. Say it with me, Wallyball. Blake Bortles orders bottle service.
Drake: You want to see the King, you say it with me Wallyball. Blake Bortles orders bottle service.
Hoyer: Blake Bortles orders bottle service.
Drake: BLAKE BORTLES ORDERS BOTTLE SERVICE. That’s what I’m talking about! ASHLEYS! Get me Blake Bortles’ agent for this weekend! DRAKE AND BLAKE BORTLES ARE GOING TO ORDER THEMSELVES SOME BOTTLE SERVICE.
Hoyer: You know he plays for the other team, not the Browns.
Drake: Man, I don’t give a f- — I mean — DRAKE don’t give a hoot. Drake parties with winners.
Hoyer: 3-2, man. Beat the Steelers.
Drake: Whatever you say, Wallyball. (Yelling to what appears to be a VIP area in an office.) YO, KING. YOU NEED TO WRAP UP YOUR OTHER MEETING. A MAN WHO SAYS HE’S A WINNING QUARTERBACK IS HERE TO TALK ABOUT SPORTS IN CLEVELAND.
Jerry Jones: YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAHHHH MY BOY ROMO IS HERE TO TAKE US ALL TO THE SUPER BOWL.
LeBron James: (Nods) Yeah. (Nods) Champions. (Doesn’t eat carbs for three months.) Witness.
Hulk Hogan: BROTHER, WE ARE ALL A WITNESS. YOU BROTHER KING JAMES, YOU BROTHER JERRY JONES, YOU BROTHER… BROTHER… BROTHER… WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Hoyer: I’m Brian Hoyer, starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. We’re 3-2. Nice to meet you, Mr. Hogan. Big fan. Mr. Jones. King James.
Jerry Jones: Brian Hoyer? I don’t remember anyone drafting you into the National Football League, and I certainly don’t remember passing on you even though I wanted to draft the Cleveland quarterback.
Hoyer: That was Johnny Manziel, sir. I wasn’t drafted this year. Actually, I wasn’t drafted any year. The Patriots signed me in 2009 after the draft as a rookie free agent.
Jerry Jones: Patriots? HE’S A SPY! CAMERAS! CAMERAS! GET THIS ASHLEY OFF OF MY LAP AND GET THE REST OF THEM OUT OF HERE. CAMERAS, HULKSTER! IT’S GETTING SO A RICH MAN CANNOT GET A DRY RUB THROUGH HIS JOSEPH A. BANKS ANYMORE WITHOUT SOME ASSHOLE WHIPPING OUT A CAMERA. PROBABLY SENT HERE FROM THAT CHEATIN’, WOMANIZING KRAFT-BOY BELICHICK NOW THAT HIS PRETTY BOY CAN’T GET HIS UGGS UP. NOT LIKE MY STAR ROMO, HE’S HITTING ALL HIS MARKS LIKE HE WAS SHOOTING ARMADILLOS IN THE SCRUB.
Hulk Hogan: He’s praying, eating his vitamins, training.
Hoyer: Isn’t it ‘Train, say your prayers and eat your vitamins?’
Jerry Jones: WHAT DID I SAY HULKAMANIA. HE’S A SPY, A NO-GOOD WELL-TRAINED SPY SENT TO RUIN MY ROMO.
LeBron James: Yeah. (Nods)
Hoyer: Look, I’m sorry if I’m interrupting your party. I just thought we could have a little talk about you maybe supporting the Cleveland Browns now that you’re back here in Ohio. We’re winning —
Jerry Jones: NOT AS MUCH AS MY STAR ROMO, YOU UNDRAFTED NOBODY.
Hoyer: … No, not as much as the Cowboys but we’re 3-2 and we beat the Steelers last weekend.
Jerry Jones: Beat the Steelers? Old man Rooney cry? You go over and lick that old, stinking Blarney-go-fuck yourself wrinkly face and taste his tears? Nothing better tasting in the league than Rooney tears, or were you too much of nobody to lap-up an old man’s face. Made my boy Romo go suck his tear-ducts dry after the last win, get every last drop of crystal tears. Like a Pomeranian stuck in Paris Hilton’s…
Hoyer: Please don’t finish that thought, Mr. Jones.
Jerry Jones: Well, look at who is a little soft. Mr. Winning Quarterback can’t handle a little locker room humor.
Hoyer: I’m sorry, I just wanted to talk mister – King James about joining us in rooting for the Browns. Kings of Cleveland.
LeBron James: King of Akron.
Hoyer: There too. We’ve got a good team, we’re making a run with pretty much our bare hands holding it together.
Jerry Jones: Bare hands? Feds took Flyin’J Jimmy Haslam’s glove money too? Here’s a lesson for you, Undrafted Nobody. Never trust a man from Tennessee, especially an oil and gas man from Tennessee.
Hoyer: Didn’t you make your money in oil, Mr. Jones?
Jerry Jones: Natural resources management. I’m the general manager of the Earth.
Hoyer: (under his breath) Well that explains the hole in the ozo…
Drake(from across the warehouse):DRAKE CAN HEAR YOU, WALLYBALL.
Hoyer: Listen, I won’t take much more of your time. Look, I know you’ve been a Yankees and Cowboys fan your whole life. Maybe you can root for both the Browns…
Hulk Hogan: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hoyer: … And the Cowboys. One is AFC and one is NFC and no one can get mad at that.
LeBron James: Witness. (Nods) Can’t. LeBron, Manziel. Family. (Nods) LRMR. You, you. You not family. You have to leave.
Hoyer: Well, okay. I tried. I need to go get ready for Blake Bortles…
Drake (from across the warehouse): DRAKE AND BLAKE ORDER BOTTLE SERVICE.
Hoyer: I need to get ready for the Jags game.
LeBron James: No. King James means you need to leave Cleveland.
Hoyer: Leave Cleveland? But I’m the best hope the Browns have had in years.
LeBron James: Family. (Nods) LRMR. (Nods) Manziel. (Nods) LRMR. Teammate. Must stay loyal to King James LRMR.
Hoyer (under his breath): Loyal to his teammates…
Drake (from across the warehouse): DRAKE STILL HEARS YOU, WALLYBALL.
Jerry Jones: That rhyming man is as sweet as a Texas shit cake.
Hoyer: You mean Texas “sheet” cake?
Jerry Jones: YOU MAKIN’ FUN OF MY ACCENT, UNDRAFTED NOBODY? I WILL MAKE SURE YOU GO TO A PLACE WORSE THAN THE CLEVELAND BROWNS. YOU BEEN TO ARIZONA? SEEN WHAT’S UNDER BRUCE ARIANS’ MIATA-DRIVING, MIDLIFE CRISIS NEWSBOY HAT?
Hoyer: Actually, I played for the Cardinals already, and they’re 4-1 right now. Almost as good as your Cowboys.
Jerry Jones: ALMOST AS GOOD AS MY COWBOYS!? YOU HEAR THIS, HOGAN? THIS UNDRAFTED COWPIE NOT ONLY THINKS HE CAN TAKE LEBRON AWAY FROM ME, BUT THAT THE ARIZONA CARDINALS IN THEIR FAKE UNIVERSITY STADIUM ARE AS GOOD AS MY STAR ROMO AND JERRY’S WORLD. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS, HULKSTER?
Hulk Hogan: You better ask somebody…
Jerry Jones: WRONG KHARACTER, HOGAN. YOU’RE AS POORLY FLESHED OUT AS FAT FUCK WADE PHILIPS CIRCA 2010.
Hulk Hogan: You smell what…
Hoyer: No, that’s the Rock.
Hulk Hogan: Brother, I don’t remember.
Jerry Jones: Good enough. Now where is my Johnny Football? Whole point of this trip was to make sure King James here was taking care of our investment for when he comes to Dallas.
Drake (from across the warehouse): Check under the pile of Ashleys!
LeBron James Facebook
Johnny Manziel: I CAN’T HEAR YOU. THE ASHLEYS HAVE ME. CAN YOU SEE ALL THE ASHLEYS I HAVE? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL OF THE FUCKING ASHLEYS IN MY HAND.
Hoyer: He’s safe. Not really helping the Browns, but he’s safe.
James: Witness. LRMRMR family.
Hoyer: Saw something, alright. You are all insane. Can’t believe I came here to grovel for your support.
LeBron James: Grovel? No, you did not grovel before King James. You did not beg for King James support. This is not groveling. King James made Miami grovel for him. Wade groveled for him. Bosh groveled for him. Cleveland groveled for him. No, this is no grovel.
Jerry Jones: Nope, this is certainly no groveling. This isn’t Princeton crying for his headset in the back of my Escalade. This isn’t the last money payment I paid the last bunch of Ashleys.
Hoyer: Is this it? Me, on the ground, begging for you to become a Browns fan?
Jerry Jones: Lower.
LeBron James: Yeah.
LeBron James: Witness. (Looks at Hulk Hogan.) Family.
Hulk Hogan: WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN HULKAMANIA IS COMING FOR YOU WORM?!
Hoyer: Oh… fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuc…