Who cares if a player is Gay? Not me. My 1,000 word column.

02.10.14 4 years ago 46 Comments


Yesterday Missouris Mike Sam made what some consider to be a brave announcement: he is a Gay football player.

I dont care. Neither does anyone.

Lets be honest here with all the lesbian porn we watch nowdays announcing your Gay is just as “brave” as announcing your anti-puppydrowning.

No one cares.

Coming from a guy named “Mike Sam”, I mean Im not sure if thats his name, his positions he plays, or the listings in his little black book to be honest.

And Who cares?


No one cared if Jackie Robinson was Black because he didnt hire a lounge singer and a skywriter to announce his race everytime he stepped up to the plate. They just cared that he knew how to hit that damn ball and keep his mouth shut. Same will go for Sam. This is America, the President is Black. We dont know if hes Gay or not, but we wouldnt care if he was. Who cares? Unless he dated a guy pubclicly I mean thats gross and it wouldnt be right in MY Opinion. But I wouldnt care.

I dont watch football to find out whose Gay, whose sleeping with who, or if they have kids, or if there developing debilitating brain injurys for my amusement. No fans care about any of that stuff we only care about if they can get after that QB and win me a championship without turning my kid into being Gay or a concussion.

I JUST DONT CARE. Sure, if I hear a announcing saying that Christian Ponder got married to his lovely Christ-following wife Samantha Steele I dont freak out and yell and tell everyone that I dont care, but thats only because I Dont Care even less about that type of thing then I do about knowing if a player is Gay or not. The fact that Id rather care about two virgins committing to each other in martrimony more then if a Gay player is Gay tells you that Im the most tolerent person here.

I mean next thing you know therell be press confrences for Gay players announcing that there the first open power bottom in the NFL. I would really like that information to be public if there going ahead and announcing there sexual orientation anyways. Not that I would care.

Here how America reacts to this news:



We dont care.


Theres no need to ask America if were ready I even felt conflicted conducting that survey,, I didnt care about the answer and everyone I asked jsut got mad at me and I had to explain to them that I dont care either.


Want to kiss a guys butt or whatever? Fine. I dont care.


Want to like hug a guy in the shower for making the big play? I dont care Im not Gay just dont do it to me.


If the NFL has any scents whatsoever they will act preemptively so we dont have a Gay version of the Ron Artest thing happen here and have Mike Sam run to the stands and try to kiss me or something just because Im cheering the hardest. Dont mistake my passion for being Gay. Long as we have that understanding I dont know why anyone would care. I certainly dont care long as I dont have to make out with him= its a non issue.

I wouldnt hire him to work for me not because hes Gay but because hes a distraction and that distraction happens to be that hes Gay. It has nothing to do with him being Gay,

Can you win with a Gay player? Probably not but I dont care.

You know how you can tell Im the leased homophobic person in the world? Because I get the angriest about how much I dont care if someones Gay. Im also one of the only people in the world who knows what Gay even means anymore:

The word “Gay” is a adjective like “excited” or “feeling blue”, a person is only Gay when there currently doing something Gay. At every other hour on the clock theyre just a damn football player. Have I showered with a Gay man before? Nope. Ive never showered with a man whose currently having sex with another man to my knowledge, so no Ive never showered with a Gay guy. If you do Gay stuff on your time off THATS when your Gay and thats your problem not that its a problem.

Thats what makes this whole media frenzy where everyones writing thousand word columns about a Gay player so stupid, and I cant literally understand why everyone cares enough to write about it that theres a Gay player, dont you all have better things to do then write about how a Gay player makes you feel or why its a good or bad thing? I certainly do.



Heres why having a Gay player would be bad: being Gay is technically a PED. They get extra protein in there diet not to be graphic but they also get more media attention, and sometimes players who have never seen a Gay person before dont play as hard against them creating a unfair balance of power. Goodell should consider adding a BI-law (no offense) to the CBA that encourages testing of players who havent told there position coaches or the media if they’re Gay. Not that we would care.

As far as Im concerned when you play football your all straight because playing football requires so much man to man contact and love and camraderie for your fellow male teammates that you HAVE to be straight or else they’d all be Gay.

The media should of just reacted to this news by turning the camras off him and saying “you called us out here for THIS?” and walked away. No one was going to care. I watched 3 hours of coverage on it last night and after I was done I just couldnt believe why it was a big deal. Either you can play or you cant. I just cant wait to see what the media does with Johnny Manzeils 2 hour powerpoint showing the different girls hes slept with. ESPNs going to have a immediate lawuit on there hands if they dont bring Stink, Jaws, Boomer, and the Bus out there to give there very serious takes on if the NFL is ready to accept a player who gets laid seriously like all the time.

Only way Im going to care is if he gets drafted by the Bears because oh wow Ive got a couple really solid jokes lined up for a Gay player on the Bears but until then:



(Jay Cutler voice)

Around The Web