Chimps Show Off Their Intelligence in ‘Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes’ Viral Video Campaign

07.12.11 6 years ago 2 Comments

A new viral video campaign for Rise of the Planet of the Apes is preying on our greatest fears: What if we let chimps play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and then they get a hold of some guns and kill us all. They’re already five times stronger than us and they can apparently beat us at short term memory games… but that’s not really plausible? Right? I mean, think of how many PS3s you would need to train an army of gun wielding chimps.

In any case, I would be much more worried about the mischief that would be caused by chimps trained with Grand Theft Auto. Can you imagine getting carjacked by an ape while waiting at a traffic light? Oh no! I’ve already said too much. Keep reading to see videos of our future overlords.

Problem #1 – Ape with AK-47

I think this is a legitimate fear. If the left wing media (aka The Daily Show) has taught me anything it’s that anyone can purchase high power assault rifles at a gun show, even gunrunners known to be working for drug lords. A primate with some cash shouldn’t have a problem.

Problem #2 – Chimp Plays First Person Shooter

It’s hard enough for me to get beaten in online first person shooters by 12-year-olds, I don’t want to hear a chimp hooting while he makes his avatar teabag me. This is an easy problem to solve, Scientists, please don’t let chimps play first person shooters. Whatever you are learning from this experiment, it is not worth the destruction of the human race.

Problem #3 – Chimp Beats Humans On Intelligence Test

Pfft. What do we need short term memory for anyway? I’ve seen Memento and Half Baked, short term memory isn’t that important.

Problem #4 – Ape Walks Upright

This problem I am not worried about at all. In fact, I think if you can get him into a tight black shirt and jeans this qualifies him to be a bouncer like Bongo in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, which would be an improvement over many of the bouncers I have encountered.

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