Class of the ’04 Tards: Large Benjamin vs. Bitter Elisha. WHO YA GOT?

10.24.08 9 years ago 25 Comments

With the game in London this weekend, Drew suggested that this match-up should be between football and soccer, but that’s not really much of a contest, much like the Saints and the Chargers. Instead, two of the first-round QBs from the 2004 draft who aren’t Marmalard face off for the first time since their rookie seasons. Since then, each has picked up his own piece of hardware (and by that, I don’t mean the metal plate in Ben’s head) and has for the most part shed his once reductive reputation (Ben: He’s a game manager! Eli: He fucking sucks!). Will this game finally settle who was the class of that draft? I’m a Steelers fan and even I don’t give a shit. But maybe you do. So, WHO YA GOT?


Ben Roethlisberger________________Eli Manning

What kind of man-child is he?


Predisposed to retardery because

From Ohio___________________From the seed of a Manning



Credits success to

Plaxico Burress, for whatever reason_______His mom, specifically her cooking and spooning technique


Flaws in his game

Holds ball too long, thinks he can shake off any D-lineman____Overthrows even 6′ 5″ receivers

Would prefer it if

His line blocks Justin Tuck___He can retire now. He got his ring. WHAT MORE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?!

Best when

Outside the pocket_______________Inside a karaoke bar

Likes squash?

“HARF HARF HARF I LIKE WHEN STUFF GO SQUASH”_________”You bet your motherflippin’ life!”

Finishing move

Fires agent for neglecting choco taco clause in big contract_____Blows off undeservedly hot wife for Double Stuf races with Pey-Pey

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