Scott Pioli: Gather round, everyone. Gather round. Guys, I know you’ve just been through a very difficult year. But I think today represents a fresh start for all of us. We have new leadership and a clear vision for where we want to go. And, with that in mind, I’d like to introduce you all to our new coach, Todd Haley.
(Ferrari door flies open)
Scott Pioli: Coach Haley, it’s wonderful to have you on board.
Todd Haley: Coach? The fuck you mean, “coach”? I didn’t toil as a goddamn o-coordinator in the desert all these years not to be called HEAD coach, you bespectacled fat fuck.
Pioli: It’s okay, Todd. It’s okay. Do any of you have any questions for HEAD coach Haley?
Tyler Thigpen: Yes, coach. I was wondering when we can expect new playbooks so we can get a head start on learning the new offense.
Haley: What? What, you think I haven’t already thought of that?
Thigpen: No, I just…
Haley: You think I’m some kind of disorganized fuckface who wouldn’t already be preparing your playbook for you? What are you, A FUCKING RETARD? Were your parents retarded? Did they have drooly retard sex? What do they do, bang forearms to French kiss or something?
Thigpen: Jesus Christ, that wasn’t what I meant at all.
Pioli: Does anyone else have a question?
Glenn Dorsey: Coach, have you hired a new defensive coordinator yet? Are you planning on changing our scheme to a 3-4 like the Pats have?
Haley: I’m sorry. Does this look like the fucking Patriot locker room to you?
Haley: ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, TITBLISTER.
Dorsey: Um… no?
Haley: No, you are not a Patriot. You are a fucking Kansas City Chief. And don’t you ever fucking forget it, OR I WILL SEND YOU HOME IN A FUCKING PINE BOX. Do you read me? What are you, color blind or something? Your mother get the color fucked out of her when she was knocked up with you or something?
Dorsey: I uh…
Brian Waters: Coach, what is the status of Larry Johnson? I know he’s not here today…
Haley: That’s right. He’s not here.
Waters: Yes, that’s what I said.
Haley: You saying I didn’t hear you? FUCK YOU.
Waters: Wait, I was just asking about LJ’s status is all.
Haley: Well, your buttbuddy LJ isn’t fucking here. So I’m not worrying about him. If he doesn’t want to be here, that’s his choice. If he wants to be somewhere else, robbing liquor stores for alimony money, that lazy shit can go right ahead.
Waters: I just thought, since he’s one of our most important players.
Haley: Oh, was that your evaluation? ARE YOU A SCOUT?
Haley: Then how the FUCK would you know anything? You know what your record was last year, dickwhipper? 2-14. So how fucking important can any of you pieces of trash be? Jesus, you people are all ugly. At least Phoenix had some attractive people. You people are uglier than a fat chick in a walking boot. HEY, YOU!
Tamba Hali: Me?
Haley: What is your fucking problem, asshole?
Hali: I didn’t say anything.
Haley: I saw that look you just gave me.
Hali: I wasn’t looking at you.
Haley: You trying to fuck my wife?
Haley: “What? What?” Got shit in your ears? You trying to fuck my wife, cocksauce?
Hali: No, I didn’t even know you married.
Haley: What? You can’t read my bio before minicamp? YOU ARE FUCKING CUT. My wife is a 10. A TEN. We met on the back bowls at Breckenridge. You have no shot with her if you can’t heliski like I can. NO SHOT. You think you can outshine me? I’m better looking than all of you. I drive an Italian sports car. I know wine. And I’m worth millions of dollars. MILLIONS.
Dorsey: We have money too, you know.
Haley: SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU WANNA END UP ON THE BENCH LIKE Q BOLDIN, BUDDY? KEEP IT UP. Next question. YOU.
Dwayne Bowe: I didn’t have a question.
Haley: No curiosity about your own team? PATHETIC. DIE. Next!
Derrick Johnson: Coach, will we be receiving a full minicamp schedule?
Haley: What? You think I didn’t already have a schedule ready? You think I’m unprepared? ARE YOU A FUCKING MONKEY?
Haley: Hey look, everyone! There’s a monkey in the locker room! OOO OOO OOO AAA AAA AAA!!! I better smear feces on the tackling dummies for our little monkey!
Johnson: Holy shit, you are an asshole.
Pioli: Players, one thing you should know about coach Haley is that he has a very rare form of Asperger’s Syndrome that makes social interaction a bit more… difficult than it is for the rest of us. But Mr. Hunt was always a big supporter of encouraging people with special needs, and this is no exception here. So I want you to accept coach Haley with open arms, and I’m sure he’ll do the same. Right, Coach?
Haley: Whatever. Listen to me, you pieces of shit. I know you boys have been used to a country club environment here, what with Barney Fife in charge before. But that’s all changing now. You see that over there? That’s my office door. It’s never open. It’s always CLOSED. From now on, you’ll speak only when spoken to. And if you have a fucking question to ask me, you KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. There are no smart questions here. AND IT ISN’T OKAY TO SAY I DON’T KNOW. KNOW YOUR SHIT, OR I’LL CUT YOUR COCK OFF. I have the support of Scott and the ownership. So don’t fuck with me. Got me? I’ve coached way cooler players than all of you. I bet most of you won’t be here long. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. THIS IS HALEY TIME.
Bowe: That guy doesn’t have Asperger’s.
Pioli: Yes he does.