“Coastal Rivalry” – 2009 NBA All-Star Weekend

02.13.09 9 years ago 17 Comments

Words By S. Cadet

The NBA All-Star Break is finally upon us. Tons of basketball purists loathe the weekend since it’s full of nonsense like the GEICO game (i.e. HORSE with a corporate plug-in, new to this year’s All-Star Saturday.) It also boosts players’ egos towards a game which, in many instances, is lacking of any actual defense or significant meaning besides getting on SportsCenter’s top 10.

Now I’m an NBA fan at heart. I don’t think I’m as tight as these guys about reformatting the weekend. With that said the festivities could use some restructuring. Allow me to be the interim-NBA commissioner within these next paragraphs and attempt to make a few alterations to All-Star Weekend.

What Needs To Go…

The Celebrity All-Star Game — I really don’t need to see the guy from Chuck airball wide open 3’s. Admittedly it’ll be funny for a couple of minutes but I can’t take sub 30% shooting from the field for too long. Don’t quit your day job Turk.

The Skills Challenge — Nobody cares about the homey Devin Harris bounce passing balls into a bucket to prove he’s a decent assist man. Just stick to highlights from the league’s best guards and k.i.m. fam.

The Shooting Stars Contest — David Robinson shouldn’t be forced to shoot 3 pointers or half court shots. The shit’s disgustin’ © Cameron GILES!! GILES!! GILES!!

What Should Stay…

The actual All-Star Game — Obviously this isn’t going anywhere.

The Rookie Challenge — I think rookies and sophomores should get some shine in the early moments of their careers. I like this game since it gives me a chance to watch cats like O.J. Mayo or Eric Gordon ball on national TV since they’re rarely seen outside of highlight reels.

The 3 Point Shootout — Definitely a fan favorite. Plus it’s more fun to put bets on the shootout than the dunk contest since the field is more unpredictable. I got my money on Rashard Lewis, or as my boy refers to him as, “Chingy in the face ass aggin.” © D

The Dunk ContestDwight Howard is the favorite and all but a lot of cats either forgot or don’t know what Rudy Fernandez did to him this summer.

Suggested New Events for All-Star Saturday…

21 — I thought about having a 1 on 1 competition but I think this could be more interesting. In a dream scenario 9 of the best guards/swingmen in the league would play a game of 21 with 3 players to a game. The winner of each game would move on to the final round: winner takes all.

(Not Too) Old Timers Game — They used to run this back in the 80’s in my understanding. Except my parameters make it so that cats like Bill Russell or Bob Lanier don’t have to worry about lacin’ up. Two 15 minute halves of former All-Star players within the past 20 years or so that are retired and/or out of the league. The winner could get a 10 day contract with the Seattle Soni-I mean Oklahoma City Thunder. It would all be a part of my big plan to get the Reign Man, The Glove, Detlef Shrempf, or Hershey Hawkins back in the league (yes, they’ve all made at least one All-Star appearance since ’89.)

Well there it is. Even though my events probably won’t see the light of day I’d be ecstatic if they dropped some of those wack ass contests. They’re all just the worst kind of filler before the shootout and the dunk contest. Let this be an open letter to David Stern from a concerned fan.

In the meantime, I’m bracing myself for Michael Rapaport’s jumper.

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