Colin Cowherd Can Eat A Fat D–k

04.05.07 10 years ago 128 Comments

A lot of times we’ll get criticism from people when we shit all over big media types like Simmons. “What’s your problem, man? What are you, trying to start some kind of revolution? Stop with the whole blogs as an “Up with people” movement, asshole!” And I understand that criticism. It shouldn’t be an Us vs. Them thing. Lots of MSM reporters are great. Lots of bloggers are not.

But here’s the thing: Blogs have made this the most exciting time ever to be a sports fan. This community grows by the day, and people are constantly inspired to go off and start their own blogs and try writing things on their own. People are exchanging new ideas and jokes and all kind of new stuff. They’re making friends, discovering talents they never thought they had, and finding out that being a sports fan doesn’t have to be a passive activity. I made a couple of good friends thanks to this blog, and I’ve been able to explore opportunities I never would have before. So I tend to get a little pissy when major media types shit all over it. They’re trying to stop you from enjoying all this shit. And that bothers me as a sports fan.

And I get REALLY fucking pissed off when someone tries to shut it down outright. That’s what ESPN radio shitdick Colin Cowherd did to The Big Lead this morning. Read about the stunt here. If you’re wondering what The Big Lead did to piss Cowherd off, here’s what they told us:

Nothing. On his radio clip, he seemed angry that his listeners were listening on line, and slowing down his internet or something … so he wanted to see what would happen if he ‘blew up’ someone’s blog.

Then he pulled the pin and threw the grenade.

So, to recap: The Big Lead does nothing wrong, so Cowherd decides to swing his dick around and try and fuck over their site, a site the guys running it depend on for ad revenue. It’s the same as telling people to vandalize a business.

We discussed what to do in response to this. Should we send angry emails? No, ESPN loves it when their personalities get hate mail. Should we alert the FCC to such shenanigans? What Cowherd did is possibly illegal.

Well, we at KSK aren’t ones for creative solutions. No, I think I good ol’ fashioned name-calling contest works far better, packed with delicious vitriol. If we come up with a nickname for Cowherd that sticks, then that can become his name any time he is mentioned online. That way, his name is never given credit online, just the horrible moniker we’ve given him. But first, a rant:

Colin Cowherd, you are a worthless piece of shit. You look like a flaccid penis that’s been in a five-day sandstorm. I read on your Wiki page that:

Cowherd also likes to gently goof on his wife Kim for her occasional empty-headed moments, though he makes up for this by constantly complimenting her looks, good spirit, athleticism, and her ability to keep him ‘real.’

Well, Kim’s doing a poor job of keeping you real, you pompous ass. You’re about as real as Jim fucking Gray. And your empty-headed moments comprise the entirety of your life. Prick. Take your cock, cut it off, place in a potato or sesame seed bun, and eat it. You and your radio show can eat a dick. And Jim Nantz wants his hairdo back. Dipshit. When ESPN fires you (and they will), I will personally hold an online funeral to celebrate your demise. Hope you’ll be there. We’ll have virtual cake and shit. Until then, you shall be known as:

-Sphincter Boy
-Squirrel (one who likes nuts in the mouth)

Your suggestions and votes in the comments. Winner announced tomorrow.

UPDATE: You people gave us some fine choices. I particularly liked asscancer. But the winner is “Schrutebag”. If you’d like to do the Urban Dictionary entry, A Schrutebag is a douchebag with sycophantic tendencies. Suits me just fine. So, from now on, that asshole is Schrutebag.

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