Come Get Your 49ers Schadenfreude

02.04.13 5 years ago 88 Comments

Just because most of us were rooting for the San Francisco 49ers to win Super Bowl XLVII doesn’t mean we can’t laugh at them for losing. That’s the beauty of rooting for teams you don’t care about – you can just cruelly discard them and mock them once they are no longer useful to you. Let’s do that!

After all, the 49ers are the franchise that gave Chris Berman a Super Bowl ring. F*ck the 49ers.

I know obnoxious San Francisco fans pretty well, because my father is one. “Michael, I lived in San Francisco for 30 years. I used to go see the Niners at ol’ Kezar Stadium. Back in those days, you could go to a Giants game and Willie Mays would trade bubble gum cards with you. DURR-DA-DURR-DURR-DURR.”

One of the things my dad has always done that never fails to get on my nerves is gloat about how the 49ers were undefeated in the Super Bowl, like that means anything. Any year your team doesn’t win the title is just another year they failed, it doesn’t matter if they went 0-16 or lost in the final game of the year. Sure, there’s more of a letdown associated with losing a Super Bowl than, say, going out in the Wild Card round, but the effect is the same. It’s just another year you didn’t win shit. Not ever losing in the Super Bowl doesn’t make your franchise more clutch than another. You just happened to not have any seasons where your team was the second-best team in football.

BUT NOT ANYMORE. That’s right. Suck it, dad. Your team lost the Super Bowl. They’re just another crappy loser team. Now go cry in your silly Joe Montana jersey.

Nice goal-line playcalling by Jim Harbaugh and Greg Roman. End zone fades? Those never fail! Jim is always hailed as a visionary football mind, but in the biggest moment of his career, he turned into Andy Reid. The Niners offense was shredding an ancient, exhausted defense on what could have been a go-ahead drive. And what does San Francisco do with 2:30 remaining and the Ravens on the ropes? They let the clock run down to the two-minute warming and take another timeout, thus letting the Ravens D catch its breath. They then proceed to not run the ball after killing Baltimore with the run the entire second half. Oh, and they keep trying fades with Kaepernick even though he puts absolutely no touch on the ball.

So, yeah, Jim Harbaugh can threaten to fist the refs while complaining about bad calls, but he has to know that his team also lost because he blew it at the end. Have fun fisting Chris Culliver, jackass.

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