Commenter Draft: Commercials to Be Erased from History

07.18.08 9 years ago 452 Comments

Most people merely dislike commercials. I fucking HATE them. I loathe them with all the bile in my bloated liver. Hatred for ads is embedded in my marrow, programmed into my DNA, woven into the fabric of my soul.

That’s why the people who invented TiVo/DVR and satellite radio are gods. They have golden thrones reserved in heaven, while advertising fuckfaces like Big Daddy Drew will burn for all eternity because they profited from making everyone else’s life just a little bit more miserable. Ever written a jingle? Die. And then say hi to Hitler for me.

Today’s draft is for TV and radio commercials you want erased from history. And while I don’t have the track record of hating diamond commercials as much as Christmas Ape, my #1 pick is easy:

Man and woman enter a European square. Man goes to the middle of the square and shouts at the top of his lungs, “I love this woman!” Pigeons fly away from the commotion. Woman is aghast. Man presents woman with diamond. Woman whispers quietly into man’s ear: “I love this man.”

Oh, so that’s how it is? A love so deep that a man has to shout it to the world is embarrassing to you, you fucking bitch? Oh, here’s something shiny that I paid $10,000 for, maybe you wanna go out in the square and shout your love for me, too? No? Just gonna whisper it in my ear because you’re too selfish and materialistic? FUCK THIS AD.

Your picks in the comments. Wait for ten other people’s selections before choosing again.

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