Crazy in Bed, Crazy in the Head: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag

08.04.11 6 years ago 53 Comments

People! It’s August! Holy crap, the NFL season starts 35 days! This is the time of the year when the mailbag gets filled up with people asking ACTUAL FANTASY FOOTBALL QUESTIONS. So I want to say thanks to everyone who wrote in — especially all the people who sent in sexy pictures — and apologize to everyone who wasn’t included in this week’s edition. This is the boom season, and there’s just no feasible way I can get everyone’s letters in. There’s also no way I’m going to give this a thorough proofreading, so please excuse any typos. I’m just going to have to hope that there are no shaving seizures below.

Let’s do this.

Dear Snarky Football God,

Fantasy: I’m participating in a fantasy football league for the first time this year. I’ll be the only female in the league, and most of them refuse to believe I know anything about football. While I am an avid football fan, I just can’t quite wrap my head around the logistics of fantasy football. Can you give me some simple, “big picture” pointers on how to not suck in my first year? If it matters, the guy in charge is doing it via

You can break down fantasy football strategy into two categories: your fantasy draft, and the rest of the season. Here are a couple general pointers on each.

Draft: Have a list of players you think are most valuable, ordered from 1 to at least 100 (you can arrange a more draft-appropriate number of 180 if you want to be thorough, but in my experience most people are shooting from the hip by about the 9th round). can get you started with this list, but you should bump down the guys you think are overrated and bump (slightly) up the guys you really want. If you want a little extra edge, pay attention to training camp reports: fantasy managers who kept their ears to the ground knew that Arian Foster had a great camp and was going to get a lot of carries in 2010. When your fantasy draft finally arrives, try to find a balance between taking the best player available and the needs of your team. Which is to say: don’t be locked into the notion of drafting RB-QB-WR in the first round if you get the tenth overall pick and your choice is Aaron Rodgers or Frank Gore. (I’m hoping you know that Rodgers is the obvious pick there.)

As for in-season management, it really comes down to how much time you want to invest. You can obsess over injury reports and scour the waiver wire and propose trades and constantly tinker with your lineup — that’s what addicts like me do. Or you can just set your lineup every Sunday morning, and it probably won’t make a huge difference in how your season turns out. But definitely SET YOUR LINEUP. I always like to set a tentative lineup on Thursday morning — it’s a good habit to get into with the increasing number of Thursday night games. That way, I’m covered in case there’s some unforeseen obstacle on Sunday morning, be it crushing hangover, unexpected fuckfest, or general dumbassery.

Sex/Relationship: I’ve been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. About 9 months ago, I started to realize that perhaps this wasn’t the relationship I wanted for myself. Here are the main points.

  • We work on a non-profit arts organization together. He’s actually in charge of it, and I’m basically second-in-command. Many of our mutual friends are also involved with the organization. (It’s a volunteer-only organization.)
  • I lost my job, and have been living with him since my lease expired. I’m currently looking for a job, but I don’t know where else I could stay until I’m on my feet.
  • He seems to have no idea that I feel the way I do. He’s oblivious to any relationship problems I’ve brought up over the years, and lives in some weird happyshinysuperawesomefuntime bubble that I have a hard time popping with “real life” problems.
  • I’m almost 7 years older than him, and our life goals are (obviously) very different. I’m late 20s, he’s early 20s, so they won’t be on the same page for a long time, if ever.
  • I plan to move about 1000 miles away in about a year, which would effectively end the relationship anyway (and I’ve told him as much), but I know it’s awful to stay with someone for another year just because it’s easier.
  • Sex-related: We rarely, if ever, have sex. Recently, it’s me pulling away, but he’s been like a Mormon about it since the beginning. It doesn’t help that he’s had sex with 2 other women (and 3 times total – we’re dealing with a fairly incestuous friend circle, so we all know things like that) besides me, so he’s always been timid. Basically, we only have sex if we’re both drunk. HEALTHY.

I realize that I’m a terrible person for staying with him for this long, rather than ending it earlier, but at first I thought it was just an irrational feeling born out of an argument. However, it’s become more and more clear that it’s not going to work out… I’m just having the hardest time ending it. Partially because of the reasons listed above, and partially because he’s a decent guy. I get it, if I cared about his feelings, I should have ended it long ago. But I didn’t, and now I’m in deeper than before. So really, what I’m asking you is advice on how to end this as civilly as possible. I’m aware that I will probably not be able to be friends with him after; I just want to continue with this organization for the next year, and not have to lose any of our mutual friends in the process.

Thanks, Kunty McKunterson

Ahhhh, to be young and supporting your older unemployed girlfriend with whom you have no sex and is no longer interested in you. What a joy that must be.

I kid, I kid. You seem nicely self-aware, Kunty, and I’m not trying to punish that. If you don’t mind (or even if you do), I’m going to leap to some conclusions about your boyfriend. Let’s see… he’s running an an arts non-profit… impossibly optimistic, yet no clear life plans… inexperienced at and passive about getting sex.

*feeds data into NASA supercomputer*

Weird, this readout is saying that your boyfriend is NOT an alpha male who has a gun rack on his truck. Also, this calculation is giving me odds on “weak father figure” (even) and “closeted homosexual” (3-to-1). But this isn’t Vegas and I’m not trying to win a contest, so let’s just stick with “liberal pushover.”

And I don’t mean that as some kinda of partisan slur. For you, the fact that he’s a liberal pushover may just save your ass in this situation. Because he’s all gentle and accommodating, I’d guess that you could probably break up with him and still enjoy his benevolence. Maybe this could be the beginning of your speech:

Listen, Carter [or whatever his name is — Carter was just the first pussy name that came to mind], you’re a wonderful and kind and smart person, and I love the friends we share and the work we do together, but my heart just isn’t in this relationship any more. We want different things and our lives are going different ways and we never have sex. But I’m in a tough position, because I need you. I don’t have a job and you took me in and I can’t just walk out of your life without severely fucking up mine.

From there, I feel like you could transition from girlfriend to platonic roommate by saying things like “we’re better as friends anyway,” “this is what’s best for the organization,” and “I’ve always wanted a gay roommate!” Well, maybe not that last one. At the very least, he’ll give you two months to find somewhere else to live. He’s too nice not to.


Dear Abby, Fantasy Football: Me and some friends

“Some friends and I” — I learned that in grade school. You should have, too.

have a pretty strong 12-team fantasy league running on ~10 years now, most of the people stay year-to-year and there’s a good amount of smack talk and nobody ever takes it too seriously. In the past it has been fairly typical rules, non-keeper, and most of the scoring is typical fare (except points for a passing TD, which I always waffle on. 4 seems too low, 6 seems too high, nobody seems to use 5…)

Four is fine. But I can see five having a certain appeal.

This year we’re going to change it to a keeper league. We were thinking of starting with 2 keepers. Any advice? How big should total roster be? Any “pitfalls” new keeper leagues routinely fall into that are easily avoidable?

I actually had a fantasy league transition from non-keeper to keeper just last year. Two is a nice number to start with. In my league, the stipulation was that you could keep one guy selected between rounds 2 through 8 and one guy picked between 9 and 15 — I liked it because it kept the first round exciting and gave some increased value to foresight in the later rounds (although it did favor those who picked early in round 2).

As for roster size, I like 15 spots for a 12-team league. One more and there’s nothing but tumbleweeds on the waiver wire; any less and it feels like you don’t have a bench.

Sex: I am mid-30’s and recently divorced (no kids.) I waited a long time to get married because I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted to do and if I could keep the commitment. When I got closer to 30 I was really sure I could, and I did. Unfortunately the other half of the equation didn’t think things through quite as thoroughly. After her money-spending binge and newly acquired substance abuse habit.. we were well on our way to divorce.

To say the divorce was acrimonious is an understatement of epic proportions. It dragged out through the legal system for over a year while I attempted to defend myself against her power play to clean my financial house. In the end my defense was successful and she had to write me a check for a small portion of what I lost monetarily (which, a woman writing a man a check during a divorce is almost unheard of in my conservative state, especially considering I make much more money than she does.) However, now that the papers are signed and official, I’m beginning to discover that I lost way more than just some time and money.

First two paragraphs summed up in six words: “I went through a bad divorce.” Got it.

I’ve always been self-confident, good self-esteem, relatively successful in the professional world, I have a house, a couple cars, no debt, a nest egg of money and no real financial worries (all self-earned, no one in my family has money.)


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Wrap it Up!
Buy Chappelle’s Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

I’m relatively attractive, fit, try to take care of myself, etc, etc.

What I’m struggling with now are essentially two things: 1) Desire to “date” 2) Trusting someone new. I never had an issue moving on if/when a relationship was over, but this time I find myself wanting some really basic things (like companionship, sex, etc) but even the mention or thought of committing myself to anything more than that just causes my brain to shut down. I have some FWBs and they have mentioned they wished it were more, but I just can’t do it. In fact, I can’t even conceive of the qualities a woman would have to possess to make me consider anything more than FWB currently. I’ve met and been introduced to some women over the past few months and thought: “I wouldn’t mind going on a date with her.” Then my brain starts to replay the nightmare of my recent past and as I mentioned above.. total mental shutdown.

I keep thinking time will heal these mental scars, but I’m not sure. Therapy really isn’t for me, I’ve attempted it on several occasions with an open mind and I always feel like I’d get more out of it by just talking to a friend. However, my friends have never really been through something quite like I just went through, so I think the only real advice is “you’ll get past it someday.”

“Ohhh, my pain is unique.” Listen to your friends. You’ll get past it someday.

Any thoughts or advice are appreciated. I really want to have a good companion and think I’d be a good partner if I could move past the mental hurdle of my divorce. I don’t want my ex-wife back or anything, but just the lingering pain and drawn out legal battle and lost money and time and trust are just too much to even feign interest in doing it all over again. I’ll leave you with a clip from Louis CK that pretty much sums up my current emotional state:

Love, Fecal-Stained Soul

Yeah yeah yeah. A woman fucked up your head. The line starts around the corner, pal.

I repeat: listen to your friends. It goes away with time. Until then, date casually and be upfront about how you can’t commit because the divorce fucked with your head. You’ll still get laid, and after enough time and non-intimate sex, you’ll find yourself wanting to spend more time with another woman. Then you’ll want to date her, then you’ll fall in love, etc. We’re humans. We’re programmed to get emotionally involved. You’ll be fine.


Hey Captain,

Football: One of my leagues is populated entirely by people I was friends with in high school, which would be fine except we only have 7 and so we end up having to invite this one friend who doesn’t know shit about football every year to meet the league minimum. Him also being lazy, he always let’s Yahoo! draft his team, and never sets lineups (which almost has lead the to league dissolving twice because the commissioner is his best friend and will set it for him). All that is bad enough, but the one thing he DOES do is talk endless amounts of shit when his team wins games. He will seriously send text messages to people rubbing it in their faces, despite his picking the name being the only effort he has put in the last 4 years. My question is two-fold: A) Should I even continue to bother with this league, where this thing is allowed to happen AND they refuse to play for money? B) If I do continue to play, am I within my legal rights to kill him?

A. No. B. No.

Relationships: I’m a 26 year old who’s about to enter the US Army in a Combat Arms MOS, and was wondering what advice a veteran such as yourself could give in terms of advice about starting relationships. I know not to do the “get married before getting deployed” foolishness the kids do, but I also question how good an idea it is to pursue any kind of serious relationship when the next 5+ years are going to be so goddamn unstable. Any advice or guidance is appreciated man.

-Looking Forward to Jump School

Just keep your expectations low. Then lower them some more. Liiiiittle more. Keep lowering them. THERE. Are your expectations gone entirely? Yes? Then you’re in the right place.

On one hand, it’s pretty great to receive mail from a woman when you’re on a deployment in some shithole country. It’s old-school romanticism, and you end up doing lame schoolboy stuff like re-reading the letters and smelling them to try to get the essence of your girl (yes, email and Skype are more common during deployments, but in some situations it’s still old-fashioned letters that travel around the world to get to you). On the other hand, it sucks for the woman, wandering around in polite society, getting hit on by other men and worrying about your safety in combat and just generally not getting to enjoy life to the fullest. Also, on the off chance you get to visit Australia, you should absolutely under no circumstances be in a relationship.

None of this is not to say you shouldn’t be dating or trying to find love. I, for one, am not totally fucked in the head from combat thanks to the woman I dated in 2003. It was a California-New York long-distance relationship that got a lot longer when I got sent to Kuwait and then Iraq, but she was a skillful and passionate letter-writer, and her words connected me to humanity and a peaceful future and my home country when the smell of death was all around me. Unfortunately (at the time), the emotional burden was too great for her, and we broke up not long after I returned home.

The lesson? Just know that it’s much more difficult to date when you serve. Like, MAGNITUDES more difficult. Expect nothing, appreciate everything.

P.S. Jump School is a joke.


Dear Sirs,

Football First: League I’m in is pretty awesome, been going strong for 4 years now, very competitive and a ton of trash talking. It’s a keeper league, you can keep three, but you cannot hold onto the same person for more than two seasons. You lose whatever pick your keeper was chosen from and if he was a free agent, well you’re a lucky son of a bitch. I’m a lucky son of a bitch. I’m thinking of keeping Vick (FA) and Arian Foster (FA) and I can choose one more. I have at my disposal Chris Johnson (1st), Megatron (2nd) Jamaal Charles (5th), or Mike Williams (8th). Thinking about Johnson but would love some advice.

Chris Johnson’s awesome, but he isn’t anywhere close to the best value on your team. You’d lose your first-round pick when you have essentially the exact same player available for a fifth-rounder. Think about it: the difference between Chris Johnson and Jamaal Charles is pretty small; the difference between a first-round and a fifth-round pick — especially in a keeper league — is enormous. Hell, depending on where you pick in the first round, you might be able to DRAFT JOHNSON AGAIN. Jamaal Charles won’t be there in the fifth round for you. He might not be there by the fifth pick.

Sex: Not really a sex question, I’m doing pretty well in that department. I wrote in last year, I signed the question as Short Stack.

I remember. You also followed up a couple months later after you selected three tight ends in your fantasy draft. What the fuck were you thinking?

The question was about me dating a taller girl, suffice to say it didn’t work out, mainly because she turned out to be fucking crazy. I would never hit a woman but after you punch me straight in the nuts after hitting me in the back with a baseball bat, it’s something I thought of doing at that moment, but didn’t!

Ummm… yay?

So fuck that bitch with a rusty pipe, I’m back with my girlfriend of 5 years. We broke up last year, something we both needed since we have dated from our senior year of high school until pretty much the end of college. She had her fun and I definitely had my fun, we got back together January of this year and things are going great. August 15th we’ll be moving into our first apartment together so basically I was just looking for some advice. Things I should look forward to and things I should look out for. I’m excited to move in with her and also nervous because I’ve heard that you truly see who this person is after living with them, or something like that.

Thanks in advance,

Movin’ On Up

It’s not that you “truly see the real person” when you move in with a significant other. You’ve dated her for five years — you already know her as well as (perhaps better than) anyone on the planet. What living together does is magnify every aspect of the relationship. The good is better and the bad is worse. Even if you’ve already been spending five or six nights a week together, you will suddenly find that she is ALL UP IN YOUR SHIT. Your brain’s gonna be all, “Whoa, hey, she is here ALL THE TIME.”

And a lot of her being there all the time is GREAT. You can fuck anywhere — on the couch, on the floor, in the bedroom with the door open — as loudly as you want because you don’t have to worry about other roommates coming home. You can go grocery shopping together and make meals together (fun!). She’ll insist on having things like curtains and nice furniture that you’ve never really cared about but find it pleasant to have. You’ll come home to her — or she to you — and you’ll realize that you’ve missed her even though you’ve only been apart for a workday.

But you’ll quickly discover that it’s not all rose petals and rimjobs. You will now have chores. The garbage or the dishes — things that a bachelor can allow to marinate for a few days — can no longer wait. You will be responsible for hanging those curtains. She’s probably going to want to paint. You will be asked your opinion on which color you like best, and your choices will be five swatches of the same color. At some point, you will have to go to IKEA, which is Swedish for “argument generator.” Your finances are now intertwined, a fact that is unsexy in the best-case scenario and stressful in the worst (say, when someone loses a job in this shit economy). You may love her, but she WILL stress you out in ways you can’t foresee when you’re not living together.

The key to keeping the relationship healthy and happy through all this is the same as ever: communication and compromise. If you’re tired or stressed out, just let her know. If you want to hang out with your friends, let her know. But when you ask for something from her — whether it’s a little space or a night out without her — offer something in return. “Hey honey, work was brutal today, and I’m exhausted. If you can make dinner tonight, I’ll do the dishes.” As long as both people care equally about each other’s comfort and happiness, you’ll be fine.

Oh, PS: I don’t know who this girl is, but I find her very attractive. Also, boobs.

Ah, she reminds me of a young Jennifer Love Hewitt. You young folks may not believe this, but Jennifer Love was once one of the most desirable actresses in Hollywood. Unfortunately, some women peak at 18. So sad.


Dear Licensed Sex/Relationship Advice Giver,

Sex question: my best friend from high school has always been a hound. Despite being fairly unattractive and overweight, he has no trouble at all picking up more beautiful women in a year than I have my entire lifetime, mostly because he hangs out only with gay men and preys on community theater girls with emotional issues.

My God, that’s brilliant. HE should be the one writing this column.

He lost his virginity at 13 in an alley behind a Starbucks, and it’s been downhill since then for him – his new girlfriend, though, goes beyond “funny story” and into “creepy and possibly illegal” territory. First of all, she’s apparently contemplating a sex change operation, or was before she met him, because she apparently thinks she’s a man trapped in a woman’s body, or something (yeah I wasn’t a gender studies major in college). He told her he would break up with her if she starts taking hormones and gets a dick (going out on a limb on that one, I know). I guess the gender bending thing is part of the fucked up thrill for him, I don’t know, but the bigger issue for me (and the purposes of this mailbag) is that she’s 17. Still in high school. He is 24 and about to graduate from his masters program.

That’s where you and I are different. There are some sexy-ass 17-year-olds out there that I could admit to be attracted to. Pre-op transsexuals? Less so.

My question is – what do I say to him? The age of consent here is actually 16, so I guess it’s not technically illegal,

I’m not a lawyer, but even I can tell you that “not technically illegal” = “not illegal.” Period.

but clearly morally questionable, and I’m definitely not ok with hanging out with a 17 year old whenever I’m home to visit.

Fair enough. The “half your age plus seven” edict rules that your 24-year-old friend shouldn’t be going any younger than 19.

Usually I just make fun of his fucked up exploits, but am I out of line to act like a righteous asshole and tell him I think his relationship is totally fucked up and not ok? Or should I just mind my own business?

I tend to think that part of being a friend is accepting someone for their faults; when you start judging their actions is when you stop being a good friend. (Obviously, there are exceptions that merit intervention: drug abuse, criminal activity, and so on.) But whether or not you have a problem with what your friend is doing, acting like a righteous asshole just makes you a shitty friend. If you have something to say, say it calmly and evenly, and recognize that you may be ending the friendship when you say it.

As a side note, if you date a chick who thinks she wants a penis, does that make you gay? My girlfriend already thinks he’s gay; I’m on the fence.

Who wouldn’t want a penis? Penises are awesome. The only body part that even comes close are tits. Why else would “chicks with dicks” be a thing?

I would think that if you’re dating a woman, and that woman wants to be a man, and you say that you wouldn’t date her if she were a man, that means you aren’t gay. I’m no transgender expert, but if this girl feels like she’s a man but is still dating men, I would guess that means she feels like a gay man inside a woman’s body. Following that line of reasoning, your friend is having a fair amount of anal sex with a 17-year-old girl. Creepy? Absolutely. But gay? Not my first inclination.

Football: In my PPR keeper league last year I traded Randy Moss, Joseph Addai, and Dallas Clark the week before he got hurt for MJD, Jamaal Charles, and Vernon Davis. That wasn’t important to the question, I just wanted to brag.

I appreciate your honesty.

My question is, with MJD, Jamaal Charles, and Vick as my keepers and the 2nd overall pick in the draft (which is the equivalent of the 4th round of a normal draft), would you recommend 1. taking the best overall player, even if its another running back (someone like Jonathan Stewart or Ryan Mathews will probably be available) or quarterback (top tier qbs are always available in the draft in this league because everyone protects WRs like gold), or 2. taking a flier on a rookie receiver (AJ Green or Julius Jones, I guess, even though I hate them both) or a mid-level receiver since I’ll have a glaring need?

Thanks in advance, Roman Polanski’s Best Man

I’d go with best available, with a predisposition towards a (non-rookie) WR. You’re more or less set at RB and QB, but MJD’s been holding up that Jacksonville offense for a couple years now, and I feel that he and Vick are likely candidates for injuries. Still, I think you should use your highest pick to fill your most pressing need. But if you’re dead set on that rookie wideout, make sure you draft Julio Jones, not Julius. That would be bad.


Most venerable crusher of cooch, I beseech thee, answer me these questions three (that number may be entirely inaccurate),

Fantasy Football: I had my first taste of fantasy football last season and it was a revelatory experience. As a foreigner, I’m still learning the intricacies of your wonderful sport but I savor the opportunity to obsess over statistics. All that’s missing is the sweet thrill of gambling. Due to my location, I don’t know a single real life person who knows anything, let alone cares, about the NFL. My free online league experiment while enjoyable, was ultimately unfulfilling. I dream of a league where something is at stake, where everyone updates there line ups, where I am mocked mercilessly for my stupid decisions. It’s the only way I’ll learn. So I find myself reaching out to this glorious collection of football lovers and dick joke aficionados. Are there not amongst you people like me? Any foreigners wanting to be a part of the greatest international fantasy football league the world has ever known, please express your interest in the comments. (US residents with no friends also welcome).

Yeah, I think there are some other commenters with crappy, douchy friends who are looking to start a fantasy league with funnier and cooler Internet strangers. But I’d prefer you not threadjack the sex comments with a back-and-forth about organizing a new league. Tell you what: hold off on the discussion for a couple hours, and tonight I’ll put up a thread solely dedicated to commenters who want to create their own league (or leagues). Thanks.

Sex: I’ve been seeing a girl on and off for almost a year. She is incredibly intelligent, beautiful, funny, adventurous and about every other positive adjective I can conjure. The instant I met her I knew that she was different from all the other girls I’d been with. I was genuinely attentive to what she had to say, rather than being willing to feign interest to maintain my access to wet holes. We have so many common interests, a similar outlook on life and what we want from it. All that good stuff. She is literally the girl of my dreams in almost every way (*foreshadowing*).

I’m not going to give a detailed breakdown of our relationship because I’m not self obsessed enough to think anyone cares but a brief summary is necessary for understanding. When I met her she was involved in a weird, polyamorous entanglement and from the beginning she made it clear she wasn’t really interested in a traditional relationship. I’ve had bad experiences with conformity and monogamy so I saw no reason to object. Also, I can’t say I’m opposed to the idea of being able to play with other girls if the mood strikes me and she has given her blessing.

As things progressed, we stopped seeing other people and settled into the pattern of a relationship, albeit with some kinks, without really acknowledging the fact. A little more background; this girl is into some seriously depraved shit sexually. I thought I was a freak when prudish girls weren’t willing to experiment. Hardcore BDSM, subjugation, degradation, rape play, incest play. The more depraved, the more into it she seemingly is.

Sounds like the relationship has a LOT of kinks.

All this is fine with me. I despise boring sex and she has introduced me to some very interesting experiences. I don’t want to play psychoanalyst here but nothing exists in a vacuum and she obviously has some underlying issues, a theory backed by her mental health record. In the past she has been extremely mentally unstable to the point of hospitalization for extended periods. She has cut herself, attempted suicide and been subjected to some horrible things in between.

What? A mentally unstable woman into freaky sex? Well I never!

All this occurred before we met though. Since I have known her she has been conscientious, caring, self aware and much more sane than the majority of females I’ve been involved with. She is in regular therapy now and I support her every step of the way. Besides, I’m not exactly a poster boy for mental health myself.

Here is where it gets complicated. There are some aspects of her sexual desires that I can’t really satisfy, not because of any physical shortcoming, but due to the intimate nature of our emotional connection. Part of the appeal for her is being used and degraded. It can get messy emotionally. I had no problem with her meeting others in a safe way to fulfill these needs. There was no expectation of sexual monogamy, but I was under the impression that honesty and openness were requisites. To cut a painfully long story short,

*looks ahead*

*sees two more paragraphs in bold*


I discovered that she had been dishonest to me about a lot of things. From very important things that were fundamental to our relationship, to tiny things of little consequence. The more lies I uncovered, the more became apparent. When I confronted her with this information she was defensive and denied it right up to the point when I described exactly how I knew for sure she was lying. After apologizing profusely and offering all sorts of excuses, she went back to the same behavior, only taking more care to cover it up. She has since admitted she has a problem with lying reflexively as a defense mechanism (understandable given her childhood experiences) and is seeking specific therapy for it. I’ve been researching personality disorders and pathological lying extensively and realized that berating her for her actions as I have done is not a helpful approach. It’s an ingrained pattern like an addiction and she will have to work hard to unlearn that behavior.

Everyone has their issues and I am completely willing to support her while she works on herself. The real problem is the doubt it casts over everything we have and everything she has ever said. Especially given she has seemingly lied without even being conscious of doing so. I feel like a character in some dystopian sci-fi in that I don’t know what is real anymore and what is just a figment of a fevered imagination. Basically my question is; do you think trust is something that can be repaired or is this relationship irrevocably broken? I love her immeasurably and I can’t imagine life without her, but I’m not entirely irrational. I want to believe the doctors when they say it is a disorder that can be treated, I just find it very difficult to imagine a time when I could ever really trust this girl.

-Crazy in Love

I hate to keep hitting the same notes I’ve played in previous mailbags, but it warrants repeating: just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean that they’re the right person for you. Speaking from experience, dating someone with a personality disorder is a stressful and grueling experience. Perhaps you enjoy some freaky sex along the way, but at the end of the day, the crazy person pulls the sane person down more than the sane person lifts the crazy one up.

In your case, your girlfriend lied to you and cheated on you — even though you had established a pretty open and forgiving set of freaky European parameters. She lied and cheated, and then she did it again. That’s wrong, plain and simple. Don’t buy into any bullshit about “Oh but she has disorder, it’s not her fault.” It’s sure as hell closer to her fault than it is yours.

If she wants to go get therapy and work on her problems, awesome. She should absolutely do that. But you shouldn’t have to stand by her and deal with her shit until it’s fixed (note: it’s not gonna get fixed). Cut her loose. Don’t lose valuable months and years of your life hoping that a mentally ill person will get better. It’s only going to fuck up YOUR head more and make it harder for you to date sane people in the future.

[banner image via nevver]

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