Dan Snyder Is Smitten

04.20.09 8 years ago 35 Comments

Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Jason Campbell — there’s a haircut you could set your watch to.

Int. Il Mulino’s Washinton DC location

Hostess: Hello, welcome to Il Mulino New York. How can I help you this evening?

Mark Sanchez: I’m supposed to be meeting some people from the Washington Redskins for dinner. Do you know if they’ve arrived yet?

Hostess: Yes Mr. Sanchez, I was told to expect you. Mr. Snyder and his guests arrived a few minutes ago, they’re waiting out on the patio.

Sanchez: Thank you.

[Sanchez approaches a table occupied by Dan Snyder, Vinny “Sarge” Cerrato, and Jim Zorn]

Zorn: Oh look, the golden boy is here! Can we order those drinks now?

[Cerrato stands up from the table and feels Sanchez’s facial features with his hands]

Cerrato: He’s real.

[Everyone looks at Cerrato as an uncomfortable silence falls over the table]

Snyder: Mark, I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to have you join us here tonight. Maybe after we draft you we could make this a regular date.

Sanchez: That sounds…cool.

[A waitress approaches]

Waitress: So it looks like everyone has arrived, can I interest you gentlemen in some drinks before dinner?

Zorn: Beer.

Cerrato: Shirley Temple, extra red stuff.

Snyder: I’ll have a glass of the most exclusive Barolo from your private cellar.

Waitress: Oh I’m sorry, but the wines from our private cellar are only available by the bottle.

Snyder: Very well, bring me a glass of the Barolo Riserva and I’ll happily pay for the whole bottle.

Sanchez: I’d love a rum and coke with extra limes

Zorn: [under his breath] Pretty boy.

Snyder: What an intriguing drink order, Mark. It sounds very exotic. My interest is piqued, perhaps I should order one of those as well.

Sanchez: Well you could always try a sip of mine, sir.

Snyder: Aren’t you sweet!

Zorn: [under his breath] Kiss ass.

Snyder: I just want to tell you how glad we are that you chose to pay us a visit just week from the draft. As you may have heard we’ve had our eyes on you for quite some time.

Sanchez: Yes, I’ve noticed. And I must say it is all quite humbling.

Snyder: You can cut that out right now. We aren’t [makes air quotes] “smitten” with you because of your humility. We already have a humble quarterback, and that guy’s getting more humble by the day. What we like about you is your star power.

Sanchez: That’s funny, I’ve never really thought of myself that way before.

Snyder: Well son, it’s time to start. Because we’re going to do whatever it takes to draft you even if it comes at the expense of the rest of the roster. You see, Dallas has Romo and from what Jerry Jones tells me he’s a goddamn star. So I figure that the only way to compete with that is to find our own Romo, and wouldn’t you know, there’s a photogenic Mexican-American quarterback sitting there just begging to be plucked.

[The waitress sets down everyone’s drinks]

Snyder: Hey, thanks doll. Now tell me, doesn’t this young man here have the face of a star?

Waitress: Eh, he’s okay I guess. Put him in a Vineyard Vines polo, some plaid shorts, and a pair of good boat shoes and I’d probably give him anal.

Sanchez: Uh…thank you?

[An obese and apparently drunk Redskins fan stumbles towards the table]


Zorn: Did he just call me a cooch?

Snyder: What do you gentlemen say we move this party back to the dining room?

Cerrato: Right behind you as always, Mr. Snyder.

Snyder: Okay Vinny, but you can leave the crayons and kid’s menu here.

Cerrato: But I haven’t finished the maze yet!

Snyder: Fine, bring it with you if you must.

Cerrato: It’s a tough one, Mr. Snyder. I may have to take it home tonight for some extra study time.

Snyder: Very good, Vinny.

[The group is seated at a private table near the back of the restaurant]

Snyder: Yes, this is much better, no distractions here. Except of course for the menu.

Sanchez: The caprese salad does sound delicious.

Zorn: [audibly] What a bitch.


Zorn: Oh god, did I say that out loud?

Snyder: I think you’d better explain yourself. Right now.

Zorn: I’m sorry Mark, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m in a tough position here because as the coach of the Redskins I already have a quarterback that I’m happy with. Jason may not have your star power or whatever else it is that Mr. Snyder sees in you, but with him I know what I’m getting and I truly believe we can progress as a team with him running my offense. Now I’m sure that you’re going to make a fine quarterback no matter where you play in the NFL, but I just don’t think you’re the right fit for our team at this point in time. Unfortunately I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and I apologize for what I said. If Mr. Snyder is able to obtain your services through the draft I will look forward to working with you to make this Redskins team the best it can be.

Snyder: Jim, you’re fired.

Zorn: What?

Snyder: Congratulations Vinny, I’m promoting you to head coach.

Cerrato: [chokes on an ice cube]

Zorn: This is ridiculous.

Snyder: Stop struggling Vinny, the heat of your throat will melt that cube in no time.

Sanchez: I think I’ll have the veal.

Snyder: God I love you so fucking much. Hey, who wants to have a sleepover?

Vinny: [Swallows more ice]

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