Dan Snyder Leaves Early, Spits In Stadium, Disgusted By Fans In Red Face

10.13.14 3 years ago 11 Comments

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Dan Snyder was spotted leaving University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale during the fourth quarter of a Washington 30-20 loss to Arizona, disgusted by what he had seen out of the Redskins and Redskins fans on Sunday.

“Here I am, trying to put on a good show for Navajo Nation president Ben Shelly, telling him why they need to endorse the Redskins Nation as one of their own tribe and what happens? ‘Dead Nerve Palmer’ manages to throw for 250 yards, while our own Chief Cousins hands out interceptions like bulldozers. It’s embarrassing enough to be humiliated by the Cardinals, but to do so in front of honored guests makes it even worse.”

Snyder, racing for the elevator, paused briefly to assess his own fans.

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“Just look at these guys. Look at them. We’ve worked so hard to educate our fans on why the Redskins logo is not in fact racist and what do they do? They go out and use the entire wrong color scheme on their face. The red should be far more brick colored, like the burnt red of the Burro Flats Painted Caves that we are honoring. And I don’t think we have blue anywhere in our uniform, but if we did, it would be the blue of turquoise to honor their precious stones. The gold of the feathers should be much more mustardy, like the yellow of maize sunset or a good pastrami on rye.”

Yelling out at no one in particular, Snyder cried, “Is it really too much to expect them to have Redskin-appropriate headdresses? It’s not like we’ve got that shit locked down with the patent office or anything.”

Shaking his head and heading to the exit with the score still only 20-13 in favor of Arizona, Snyder was heard telling President Ben Shelly, “Could be worse. This could have been another slaughter at the hands of the Cowboys,” before hocking an enormous loogie on the concourse so disgusted at the very thought of their shared enemy’s name.

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