“The dirt of gossip blows into my face and the dust of rumors covers me.”

03.13.07 11 years ago 32 Comments

In the off-season, idle talk spreads like wildfire. What, Gentle Reader, are you to believe? Once again, KSK helps sort the fact from fiction. Sadly, we can’t help with those rumors about you floating around your office. It’s not our fault you got shit-faced at the Christmas party and then made out with that pig from Accounting.

Rumor: Shaun Alexander didn‘t get laid until he got married at age 24.

Fact: We hoped this wasn‘t true, but Shaun admits it in his autobiography. Pro football is nasty, brutish business and there are only two reasons to get involved: crazy scrilla and wild, naked tit-tays. Sounds like Shaun was leaving half the mammon on the table.

Would KSK recycle a joke? You bet your sweet ass we would.

Rumor: Peyton Manning made a cool $200,000 for going to a Sweet Sixteen party.

Fact: The jury is still out on this one. Peyton insists despite numerous claims to the contrary that it wasn‘t a Sweet Sixteen. Why would he lie about it? Is he afraid America will think he is dorky? Too late, sunshine, that ship has sailed. However, we have confirmed that Eli Manning is available for birthdays and bat mitzvahs in his persona of Sparkles the Clown for $8.50 an hour. He will also appear as Eli, the NY Giant quarterback for $7.50 an hour, but we hear there aren‘t many takers.

Rumor: Zygi Wilf wants the Vikings to lose so he can move them out of Minnesota.

Fact: Our first thought is to reject this notion out of hand. You can’t blame anyone for wanting the hell out of that desolate, depressing hinterland, but Wylf seems like an earnest guy. Then he went and gave Butterfingers Bobby Wade $15 million to try to catch the passes Taveres Jackson will be throwing at his feet. There may be something to this one.

Rumor: Lance Briggs is a dick.

Fact: Yeah, big time.

Rumor: Richie Anderson pays for pussy.

Fact: We went straight to the source on this. Richie says it is purely a case of mistaken identity. “There is this dude who looks just like me. I’m always getting blamed for shit he does. When I get my hands on that fucker, it will be on like Donkey Kong.” We were kind of skeptical until we saw the picture. Now we think Richie may have been framed.

Who would you rather do, Richie or Gazoo? Both at once? Ladies…?

Rumor: Some wuss soccer blog beat out KSK for the 2007 Best Sports Bloggie.

Fact: Sadly this is true, but they don’t have the witty raconteurs and exquisitely beracked commenters that we do. So those guys can go choke on a bagful of monkey-cock.

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