Dispatch from Miami: The Motorola Mile

02.09.07 11 years ago 28 Comments

Captain Caveman is safely back in the confines of Brooklyn, but he’ll continue sharing stories from Miami until… probably forever. Today: Saturday afternoon’s visit to the Motorola Mile.

Following the bizarre misadventures of Friday night, I wake up at the crack of 2 p.m., sharp as a cloud of fog. Vaguely aware of some event on the beach that had models or cheerleaders playing volleyball or Jell-O wrestling or something, I decide to get out to soak in some Super Bowl culture.

Well, the beach is dead, but one block away and parallel on Ocean Drive is the Motorola Mile. As you can see, it’s a goddam zoo:

(Click to enlarge)

I fucking hate crowds. I steer away from the masses of Bears jerseys, Bears hats, the guy marching down the street playing “Bear Down Chicago Bears” on a trombone (not rusty), and three or four people in Colts paraphernalia and walk toward a large stage that’s been set up.

What’s on stage, you ask? Not music, that’s for sure. There’s not a chance in hell there’s any decent music here. Not with Middle America and corporate sponsors out in force, anyway. So what’s going on? Well, my friends, the answer is corporate synergy! In redhead form!

(Not too shabby, right? I mean, I’d pay rent to live in her ass.)

If you look closely, you’ll see the Crunch gym logo on her little tank top, and indeed, Crunch had a little fleet of hotties doing some kind of dance routine (with one muscled dude getting in the way of the sexiness).

And I says to myself, I says, “Self, these pictures are sexy, but you know what would be sexier?”

“What’s that?”


“Yeah, too bad I don’t have — ohhhhh.” And then I realize what I was trying to get at: my little digital camera takes video.

After sealing my fate as a lifelong creep by taking video of women shaking their asses for a website supposedly about football, I need to shake up my day a little. Something to revitalize me. After all, I’ve been wandering around on the beach all afternoon without any water, and my hangover is starting to get loose, throwing roundhouses instead of jabs — and taking the gloves off to do it.

There’s only one solution here.

Hydrating AND intoxicating

It’s bender time.

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