KSK Mailbag: Don’t Marry Artists, It Only Encourages Them

06.05.14 3 years ago 164 Comments

Hello! It’s your weekly dose of REAL TALK about life and sex and fantasy football. As always, if you have a question, email us.

Fantasy football: Been in a league for 14 years with friends from college. Some people have come and gone, but a core of 10 dudes has been constant. We got together for a live draft in our college town a few years ago, and it was a great time. We’ve been trying to get another live draft organized, but distance and kids and all the other stuff that pops up in your early-to-mid 30s has prevented it from happening. Another guy and I started the drumbeat early for a live draft this year, in our large, fun Midwestern city, and we have commitments from most people…except our commissioner.

He claims to be unsure of his schedule, even though we’ve made multiple concessions to make it easy for him to be there. (He lives an hour away, he could easily drive in and back on the same day.) We’ve even offered to pick up any financial obligations the draft may incur, but he is still strongly indicating disinterest in a live draft. A live draft is exponentially more fun than an online draft, but without the commissioner, the whole thing falls apart.

Oh, bullshit. Does your league have bylaws that prevent a live draft without the commissioner? No? Then you can do it.

Should we just forget about the live draft? Move forward without him? Coup d’etat?

Tell him, “Okay, we’ll do an online draft.” Then you all meet and have your online draft in one big room with wi-fi and beer. If the commish can make it, cool. If not, his loss.

Sex: Happily married for almost a year. When my wife and I started dating, and for a while into our relationship, we would go out on dates and then come home and have sex. But the longer we’ve been together, our dates usually involve lots of good food and drinks, and when we get home we’d both rather digest and watch Netflix than get down to business. Our thought is, we can have sex anytime (and we do), but we only go out for a great meal once a week. This is a normal part of every relationship, right?
Thank you,
Fat & Happy

Hell yeah it is! And a good one, I’d argue. I mean, sure: it’s pretty cool to know that every date you go on will end in sex. That’s a fun point in a relationship, and it helps ensure that everyone’s wearing clean underwear and grooming their pubic hair on the regular.

But you know what’s more fun? Eating and drinking whatever you want, then coming home and putting on sweatpants. (PRO TIP: if you have sex BEFORE the date, you can have plenty of drinks without worrying about not getting a boner later.)


I just broke up with my girlfriend of about two years, but I cannot begin to comprehend how much this now sucks. I feel awful, hollow, depressed. I have bad feelings of longing, that this was my best chance at happiness, but I had been harboring feelings and the decision that this was not the right girl for at least six months. Finally it came to honesty, and I didn’t see the future so I broke it off.

Well, everything I see is support for the dumped. The one who gets kicked to the curb. Here I sit, not proud of what I’ve done, not angry at her for anything she’s done, and not mocked by anyone around me, all of our mutual friends have our backs through this. But I can’t find the blueprint for the feelings of mourning from the one in the relationship who called it off.

What do I do to help get through this shitty mess of a disaster I cause on my life?

Let’s dial down the drama, Tyra.

I’m not ready to start dating but I want to have sex with the next thing walking by with nothing hanging between it’s legs. That can’t be the healthy alternative either, right?

Wrong. That’s perfectly healthy, and the natural reaction to being newly single. Like, how else are you supposed to feel? “Ooh, I just broke up with my girlfriend and I can’t wait to emotionally connect with someone in a monogamous relationship!”

For reference, I’m 28, live in a suburb outside of Philly, so there’s a small-town mentality that can really fuck with the situation. Bumping into her the other night by accident just made me feel like I bottomed out my insides. But what I can’t understand is I still think about how shitty this feels every day and yet I’m the one who broke up with her.

Any advice would kick ass and help me process this along.
AC Slayer

This whole thing you’re doing — “What about MY sadness?!?” — is a bad look. You made a decision to improve your happiness, so be happy already. The reason there’s no “blueprint for mourning  from the one in the relationship who called it off” is because those people are all out having fun.

You need to mourn? Listen to sad music and drink a bottle of wine. Otherwise I’d suggest celebrating the fact that you made a decision that benefits both you and your ex-girlfriend in the long run.


Hey Captain,
Sex: I haven’t had a serious girlfriend in 7-8 years (it sucks A LOT, I know), though I have gone on occasional dates. I’ve been on Match for a while and found a girl who seems to like me. We just went on our second date and I realized a problem about myself, which I’m hoping you can provide advice on.

I have this bad habit of over-thinking EVERYTHING. As in, “Oh, you had a lovely chat with her yesterday on the phone? Quick, start imagining an entire future and house with her and your 2.5 kids!” or “Oh, there was silence for a few seconds during the second date or she hasn’t texted you back yet? She clearly wants nothing to do with you and you’re going to die alone, ha ha ha you unloved loser!” When I had the serious girlfriends before, back in college, calling was way more mainstream than texting (a pre-smartphone era), so I’m not used to texting someone you like and accepting that the answer MAY show back up immediately or an hour/two later. I can do fine with texting guy and girl friends, but when I’m INTERESTED in a girl, every stupid nuance and word choice in things I’ve sent or she has gets overthought in my brain. Has she not texted you back within an hour? Welp, she’s done with you and never wants to see you again. (She of course texted me back 15-20 minutes later, having been napping).

I mean, I just spent the train ride back from the date to my apartment moping because it didn’t end perfectly slash there was silence for a few points during the date, comma, oh my gosh (she’s totally done with me). We talked fine on the date for most of it (baseball game), and a large part of me KNOWS that the silence happened because we were sitting in the sun for 3 hours and we were both wiped out, and we kissed goodbye, and she texted me back tonight, but there’s still part of me filled with self-doubt. Any suggestions on turning my brain off? Or if that’s a legit “go see a shrink” question, any advice on dealing with the texting thing?
Dealing with Self-Doubt

Listen, folks: I want to help you. And I’m happy to deliver the occasional pep talk when the situation calls for it. 

But not for you, DSD. If I wanted to dole out advice to teenage girls I’d work for Seventeen. And I’m not trying to be cruel: if you and I were hanging out over beers and you told me your story, I’d say, “Oh, shut the fuck up and RELAX.”

It’s not just that confidence is sexy; the absence of it is a HUGE turn-off. “Oh, but Matt, I can’t just snap my fingers and become confident.” AU CONTRAIRE:

The concept is simple: faking it till you make it means pretending you totally know what you’re doing and acting confident about it, even though you have no idea what you’re doing.

Who said there was something wrong with false confidence? Besides, the whole second half of faking it till you make it is to then go learn whatever skill you lack confidence in. The point is not to just pretend to be something you’re not all the time, that would be lying. The point is to pretend to be confident while you actually work on being confident.

This is the secret to life: You don’t have to be confident to act confident. And if you act confident, you’ll become confident.

The other option is to be Woody Allen, and that guy’s a fucking child molester.


About an hour ago I was at the mall, and at one store was a clerk who was an absolute vision. I was instantly intrigued and was purchasing something anyway, which allowed for some small talk at the register. My issue is that I couldn’t tell this woman’s age range for the life of me. She may have been 26. She may have been 19. It really was that difficult. I’m 32 and don’t want to date under 25 at the youngest, “half plus seven” rule be damned. I especially don’t want to be the creep who asks out a someone a year removed from high school when I could legally be president in three years (there’s still time!).

Is there a tactful way to gauge an unknown woman’s age before asking her to coffee or whatever? This applies to waitresses, bank tellers, etc. On the way home I considered a “you look familiar — what high school did you go to?. . . oh ok, what year?” approach, but that seems hacky and transparent.

And lame. Don’t forget lame.

This situation has occurred more frequently than one might think, given my slightly advanced age in the dating game, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna catch side-eye in the Gap for asking some girl out the week after her quinceañera.
It Was One Hundred And Six Fucking Degrees In Phoenix Today

You’ve got curious parameters. Like, you don’t want to date anyone under 25, but you’re interested in sales clerks and waitresses? Typically, the whole point of being selective about age is to find someone with more life experience and more established in a career. And while I value the people who work in the service industry, I don’t think “sales clerk” is anyone’s ideal career. (And if we’re being mean, a 26-year-old sales clerk may have less potential for success than a 19-year-old one.)

If you’re attracted to someone and want to ask them out, ask them out. Age is nothing but a number, etc. Personally, though, if I were you, I’d worry less about being perceived as The Guy Asking Out A Too-Young Woman, and more about being The Guy Who’s Asking Out Someone Who’s Being Paid To Be Nice To Him.


Hey Cap’n.
Fantasy: I have a quick keepers question since I’m having a hard time deciding on who to use my last keeper spot on (Alshon & Jordan Cameron are my other 2). I was going to keep D-Jax for a 7th rounder, but with the trade to Washington I just don’t think that he’s worth it anymore. My other options are to keep either the Chiefs D or Joique Bell for a 15th (both were free agents). What do you think is the better option?

Ehhhh… I’m not in love with any of those options. The Chiefs D will still get sacks, but will regress some in turnovers and a lot in touchdowns. I suppose Bell for a 15th is solid value, but I think I’d rather have RG3’s top target for a 7th. You’re right to think he’ll lose value on the Redskins because the Redskins ruin everything, but DJax in the 7th is still a sweet deal.

Sex: My wife and I have been married for 2 years now, but things have deteriorated between us to the point that I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore. She has almost zero sense of responsibility to the point that I have to pay for all of our bills, even things like her parking tickets which will sit unpaid and rack up additional fines unless I pay them. It’s not just that I’m making significantly more money than her, it’s that I’m working constantly at a job I hate to support the two of us while she makes almost nothing working as an artist. And on top of that, she is incredibly selfish and almost never does anything for me without complaining the entire time.

I think the worst part of it is that I’m constantly being used as an emotional crutch for her. Her family had a pretty big tragedy almost 3 years ago, and ever since then it seems like she can’t handle even the smallest things without crying and needing me to talk her down. I know it sounds insensitive, but after years of this I just can’t with the small trivial stuff all the time. I get stressed out about work too, but I don’t expect her to comfort me for 30 minutes in the middle of the day, you know?

I’ve tried talking to her about these things, but every time it just ends with her upset and me apologizing. It’s honestly just getting to the point that I just don’t care anymore and I’m not happy at all. I guess any advice that you can send my way would be great.
Lost & Confused.

I’m a fan of marriage vows and their “for better or for worse, ’til death do us part” thing. You did, after all, sign up for life with your wife after this terrible tragedy occurred (which, by the way, you totally could have elaborated on at least a little bit because this is an anonymous forum. What’s the tragedy? House fire? Murder? My imagination is fixated on that particular chimera instead of your marriage. LET ME INTO YOUR LIFE).

That said, not every marriage is a smart life decision, and not every troubled marriage can be saved with open and honest communication, which yours seems to be lacking. And that’s why God invented marriage counselors. Go see one!

p.s. For future reference, only marry successful artists. (Mariah Carey: yes. Charles Bukowski: no.)

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