Don’t Press Paws: 10 Animal Music Acts That Will Rock Your World

12.07.10 7 years ago 2 Comments

When I was in high school, I was intensely involved with our debate team, as we competed in all of the biggest tournaments throughout the great state of Florida and the Southeast states. My specialty was the Lincoln-Douglas debate. I didn’t mess around. I was lethal with my words, cunning with my strategy and I could turn a question around on an opponent with the blink of an eye. Eventually, I was considered the greatest debater in history and world leaders praised me not only for my verbal assaults but also for my naturally-ripped abs.
However, it all came crashing to an end when I was given perhaps the most difficult question in the history of debating. No, it wasn’t something silly like “Should abortion be legal?” or “Is homosexuality genetic or developed?” or “Does God exist?” Those questions are amateur at best. They’re like the karaoke of debate. No, friends, my question was real, it was intense, and it involved the most important ideas of human existence – Should people dress their animals in human clothes? And the answer is yes, as long as those clothes are lobster-related.
But what about setting your animals on a path to musical stardom? That’s an entirely different can of worms. For a pet to become a musical genius, it takes intensity and dedication. It also takes the right niche. For instance, some of these performances are Christmas-related, which I found concerning because there are very few Hanukkah songs being sung by animals. When will our Jewish dogs and cats start embracing their heritage? In the meantime, enjoy this small collection and feel free to tell me of my glaring omissions…

I have a confession to make – I only wrote this as an excuse to post this video. The Rock Cats tour with a group known as the Acro Cats, and both groups take their A-games from city-to-city, leaving a trail of anarchy behind them. While I love the gimmick and can appreciate a cat that looks like he’s playing the drums, I wish they’d do something about the name. Rock Cats is just so… blah. It’s like vanilla ice cream or girls named Jane. Give me something to work with. Let’s amp up the edginess, turn this mother f*cker up to 12 and name this act Pussy Slayer. Thank me later, Rock Cats. Now get out there and make Cleveland your bitch!

Every year, on the night before Christmas, I sneak over to my mistress’ house with a Transformers Thermos full of egg nog mixed with Diesel Fuel and we snuggle in front of a warm fire that we make from newspaper articles about her husband’s mysterious disappearance. And around 9 p.m. a group of the neighborhood dogs comes by to sing us Christmas carols. It’s one of the most adorable things that we’ve ever seen. However, there’s a good possibility that we’re imagining it thanks to the peyote. It’s all a bit fuzzy, actually.

This is Bella. I’ve never met her but she’s a star in the making. If I’d have gone to law school to become an entertainment agent for animal musicians, I would totally be Bella’s agent. Instead I went to school for gunsmithing and refrigerator repair. At least now I know how to install a laser scope in your ice maker. But Bella is going places for sure, as she’s slowly graduating from YouTube favorite to selling out PetSmart appearances throughout the country. Soon enough she’ll be appearing at the Grammys, you know, if she can ever kick that crippling heroin problem. Damn dogs and their opiates.

What the Rock Cats possess in awesomeness and pure, unadulterated sex appeal, the Jingle Cats are more down to Earth. They play for a PG crowd at most, so if you’re going to a Jingle Cats show to mosh or get your rocks off by beating up some skinheads after a few too many Rolling Rocks, I’ve got bad news for you. But you’re not off the hook, skinheads. It’s 2009, you racists! Wait, what? It’s 2010? Really? Then why the hell do I still have my 2009 Girls of Hooters calendar hanging over my toilet? That just makes me look bad. Then again, that explains why my mom disowned me after I forgot everybody’s birthdays this year. So yeah, the Jingle Cats rule.

Here’s a fun fact that I bet most of you didn’t know because you’re so ignorant in your refusal to understand other cultures – animals actually wrote the song “Deck the Halls.” I know it sounds weird, but you’re going to have to trust me on this. A homeless man totally told me all about it. He also said that Abraham Lincoln sold him steroids. I never really trusted that Lincoln guy after he ruined the theater for so many people. He was all, “YAP YAP YAP, OW MY HEAD!” What a selfish jerk. Thank goodness these awesome animals weren’t performing when Lincoln was shot. They don’t deserve to be interrupted. They deserve to have their tummies rubbed.

Enough with the holiday nonsense already. You know why Christmas and Hanukkah happen only once a year? Because they’re boring. Face it, our holidays are losing their touch. We need to either spice them up by giving people cooler presents like ferrets or medieval swords, or we just need to get rid of them all together. Now birthdays are where it’s at. Christmas doesn’t have anything on birthdays. Especially if you get some cats to sing Happy Birthday to you. That’d be a pretty impressive feat. It’s something you should tell a girl about at a bar. Bro, she’ll totally want to go home with you.

I tried to teach my dog how to rap a few years ago, but she’s more into ska. So yeah, you can imagine how disappointed I was about that. Ska music doesn’t make money, Mrs. Snugglesworth. No way, the real money is in rapping pets. There are billions of dollars out there for dogs that can lay down a phat rhyme. For added street cred, your dog should commit a drive-by, or at least be linked to a gang murder. And the coolest dogs always run their own cat-fighting rings. I went to one the other night. It was pretty lame, actually. They just sat there licking themselves. God, I was so jealous.

Aw yeah, turn the lights down low, boo. It’s time to get slowmantic and romantic… for the animals. Aw yeah, girl, you know just how this dog likes his bitches. But make sure that when your dog or cat is hosting its next key party or red rocket revue, there’s ample protection available for all of the guests. It’s important for our pets to practice safe sex because most of them can’t afford to be having puppies and kittens. My dog refuses to get a job. She’s so freaking lazy. I don’t know why I put up with her. I suppose if I filed my taxes I could get a break for my dog as a dependent. But since I’m actually a legal citizen of North Korea it doesn’t apply to me.

Are you ready to rock? I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK??? Geez, why do you always make me repeat myself? How hard is it to answer the question the first time? Look, I’m not a needy guy by any means, but it’s just borderline disrespectful to make me constantly repeat myself. I’m trying to show you what happens when you combine your ordinary house cats with heavy metal music. Actually, nothing much happens. It’s pretty much the same as the other music styles. Animals are pretty dull when it comes to music. I’ve just been acting like they’re awesome to impress Rachel Bilson. Do you think she is reading this? I think she is. She’s totally aware of who I am.

Haha, just kidding. But seriously, Ke$ha makes terrible music.

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