Don’t Touch Anything in That Scrap Heap You’re Not Interested in Overpaying For

08.27.09 8 years ago 19 Comments

Old Man: Buy something, will ya?!

Customer: Hmm. Whatcha got here? Couple hundred yards of coaxial cable. Rolltop desk with only one drawer missing. A discarded Twister wheel without the actual Twister mat.

Old Man: Yup. Finest collection in months.

Customer: Say, what’s this big hulking thing? Whoa, it kinda moved!

Old Man: That there’s a Byron Leftwich.

Customer: Huh. [Shakes shoulder pad] He got a lot of mileage on him?

Old Man: Had a few dings in his time, but he can still get the ball out if you give him a few minutes. Look close and you see he even got hisself a Super Bowl ring.

Customer: Oh yeah, so he does. What’s the damage?

Old Man: I’d be willing to part with him for a second round pick.

Customer: [Stifles laughter] You want maybe I throw in my first born?

Old Man: No need for jokes. You want to do business or don’t you?

Customer: Hey, what’s this? He’s got a Steelers jersey right on under this Bucs one. You’re just flipping old rundown QBs, aren’t you?

Old Man: I don’t know how he got that. I tell you, he’s in fine working order. See for yourself.

[Leftwich’s arm cheeks back, making rickety sounds like an old wooden roller coaster, followed by a too-hard release to a running back in the flat]

Old Man: Told you. Even if you don’t like him as a QB, being big and rigid, you can dress him up as one of those tobacco shop Indians.

Customer: Still think the price might be a hair too steep. What about this one?

Old Man: Thassa Luke McCown.

Customer: Well, I do already have a Josh McCown. It’d be nice to have the full set. Would bring some cohesion to my practice squad.

Old Man: Tell you what: You take the McCown, I’ll thrown in this Josh Johnson, free of charge.

Customer: Don’t have much use for him, but I suppose I can barter him for a UFL mug. How much?

Old Man: 1st round pick.

Customer: WHAT?

Old Man: You heard me.

Customer: That’s insane. You’ll never get value for that! You – you’re not even trying to sell these things, you withered old packrat.

Old Man: You seen the feller trying to move Tyler Thigpen? I needs to have a word with him.

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