Welcome back for another edition of the Fantasy Sex Advice Mailbag, the mailbaggiest mailbag on the internet. This week we answer reader questions ranging from your standard fantasy football questions to Dorito dusted naughty bits. This week’s questions and answers are after the jump, and as usual all spelling is correct.
Dear Masters of Cumshots,
I’ve been with this girl for almost two months and everything has been great. She is really nice, satisfies me in every possible way, always good to me. And I would like to repay her somehow (not with money). A few times after sex she said “Tell me something”, “Talk with me” and such things, and I don’t think that things that comes trough my mind then are good pillow talk themes (football, cars, what should I eat when I come home…). So my question is what are good pillow talk themes to have with girl after good sex?
Yeah, never say what comes into your head, that will only lead to trouble. Instead try telling her what she wants to hear. That means reflecting how much you love being with her and how great she is. Sure you’ll sound like a pussy, but it will make her happy and happy girls are more likely to reciprocate with unsolicited blowjobs down the line. If that doesn’t work try giving her the money and tell her to go buy something pretty while you watch the NBA Draft. Women be shoppin’.
Football: Will drafting Michael Oher help Tod Heap in his production? Last year we used him more as a blocker, but I hope that this year he will be more dangerous receiving threat.
KSK fan from Europe
Assuming he stays healthy Heap is bound to be more involved in the passing game this season. Now that Joe Flacco’s been around the block he should be comfortable enough in the offense to quit staring daggers through Derrick Mason and open things up a bit more. That being said, Heap has been fantasy crap the last two seasons, so don’t jump on him until your draft is winding down.
Dear Cock Rockers,
1. Football – Now that Jay Cutler has diabeetused his way into Chicago, are any Chicago wide receivers worth a late round pick?
Sure, but keep your expectations in check. None of them are going to turn into Brandon Marshall overnight.
2. Sex – Let’s say that I happen to have a sexy co-worker. Let’s say that she happens to have a Myspace account with sexy pictures. Also, let’s say that I happened to come across this sexy account.
Question – Is it wrong to print these pictures on the office color computer and jack it while I sit at her desk and think about her? This would be done during weekend or after hours, of course.
Yeah, that’s probably not a good idea. Instead of being a creepy fuck perhaps you should consider asking her out. Seeing as how you have access to her Myspace page you should already have a pretty good idea of what she does for fun (my guess: dress like a skank, get drunk, and post the results on Myspace). And if that fails you should probably just masturbate to her pictures in the privacy of your own home.
I have been friends with this girl for years. She’s amazing, but the timing never seemed to work out for us to date despite mutual interest. Over time we just became close friends. Two years ago we finally hooked up. She was ready to run off and get married and I freaked out and she ended up really embarassed by the whole thing. She stayed in Florida after she graduated (I’m in California) and after a few unsuccessful relationships with guys, started dating a girl. They’ve been together for a year and are moving in together. She recently came back for a family function her girlfriend couldn’t attend and took me as her date. We ended up making out and it was amazing. She says I’m the only guy she’d go straight for and now I’m fucking confused. She’s never been unfaithful to anyone in her life, so I wonder what it means that she’d cheat with me? I’ve got an active dating life, but there’s always been this assumption I’d end up with her. Do I just let time go by and see what happens? Make some grand gesture (those never end well)? She and I are going to screw this up so badly that we never do get together, aren’t we?
Hey look at that, you managed to answer your own question. Obviously she’s pretty in to you and it probably won’t take some ridiculous grand gesture to make it happen. The real question is whether or not you truly want to be with her. The last time around you balked and she fled for the land of labia. You say that you’ve always assumed you’d wind up together, but is that something you’re truly interested in and ready for? If you are then go for it. If not then it’s your duty to inquire as to the possibility of some hot 3-way action, amiright?
I went thorugh one of those mock drafts that ESPN offers and noticed that the quality of receivers drops like crazy after a while (to the point where I was excited Devin Hester was still available). Who might be some late round sleepers so I don’t end up with Derrick Mason or Justin Gage on my team? Does it make more sense to go receiver early?
Forget about trying to target late round sleepers at the wr position because everybody is going to do that and you’ll all wind up targeting the same third year breakout contenders anyway. Load up early and let the rest of your league fall over themselves to draft a “sleeper” two rounds early.
Recently I’ve undergone a tremendous personal transformation. In the past 6 months I’ve gone from 140 lbs stick to 170 lbs with 10% body fat (No steroids too!). My confidence and self-esteem have never been higher, the only problem is that it’s been a year and half since I last had sex (she was really ugly, like Bono’s kid mannish-ugly). So my question to you is this: should I set my standards low to get back in the game (4-6’s) or should I set my standards high (7-9’s) so I don’t fall back into the rut and settle for ridiculously ugly women? I’m far from ugly (think a young Ed Helms with blond hair–take that for what you will) so I don’t think I’m being too much of an idiot in thinking I can get more attractive women.
Congrats on bulking up, Mr. Helms, just don’t expect to start landing beauties because you’ve added some muscle to your frame. Your increased self-confidence will go a long way in your quest for some lovin’, but try to not get ahead of yourself. Set your sights on someone you find attractive and make a go of it. Oh, and try to stop grading women out on a scale of 1-10. While some women flock to douchebags, most don’t.
Football: If you had to give a percentage for a Steelers repeat, what would it be? I’m asking not as a fan, but for the likelihood I will be going to jail for murdering one of their bandwagon asshat fans come Febuary.
Dear KSK Krew,
First sex: my birthday is at the end of the month and was wondering if you have tips regarding using the birthday angle to snag some snatch.
I hear this shirt works like a charm. If that’s not your style try going out to celebrate with a small group of friends. If some ladies happen to catch your eye offer them some drinks and ask if they’d like to partake in your festivities. Only don’t talk like that. It’s off-putting.
Football: Not that I care much about Cleveland because it’s a shithole of a city, but what do you think Fuhrer Goodell’s punishment for Stallworth should be? Personally, I think 12 games minimum, but that’s just me.
Ape: If you’re gonna go as far as 12 games, why not the full year?
Valid point. If I had to take a stab at a minimum punishment I’d lean towards 8 games. As for my own personal opinion, I say sit him down for the whole season.
Ain’t shit, what’s crackin’ with you?
I suppose I should start with my fantasy football question first?
Whatever works for you is good.
I’m in a fantasy league where we can keep 4 guys from the previous year, and a player drops off of your team after 3 years. This will by my third year with Maurice Jones-Drew, I’m hoping to deal him mid-season before trade deadline for a player of equal value (if he exists). Problem is I’m having troubles deciding who my other three keepers should be. I definitely am going to go with some combination of DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, Dewayne Bowe, and Steve Smith (Carolina’s, not the one on the Giants). I’m worried whichever Carolina RB I drop will blow up on someone elses team, also I’m weery of what kind of numbers Bowe is going to put up in KC with Cassel as QB. I’m not huge on Cassel. What’s your advice?
Only drop Bowe or Smith if there are some other good options at wide receiver in the draft pool, otherwise you’ll have to choose between Williams and Stewart. I’d hang on to Williams and hope Stewart tears or ruptures something important.
Second, my sex question isn’t too tough.
I have a close friend of mine that I’ve had a crush on for seven years. She knows this because I’ve asked her out more than once over the past seven years and have never receieved a yes. Last month, I found a girl who I adore and am crazy for. She’s really shy and has strictly religious morals, so much so that I’m afraid to even ask her about sex due to fear or embarassing/offending her. I haven’t even kissed her yet. Meanwhile, this friend I’ve had a crush on has been flirting with me more and more lately while her boyfriend is in Iraq. I know it’s wrong to sleep with her, and I wouldn’t do that to this amazing girl I’m seeing, but this friend has sent me a topless picture to my e-mail. She told me she’ll send me more in the future, but wants to keep me wanting more. Is it wrong of me to pursue trying to get more pictures from her? I’m stuck is some sort of moral gray area. Tell me what you think.
– Billy From Bengal Country
It doesn’t get much lower than sleeping with a girl whose boyfriend is in Iraq, so get that idea out of your head. The pictures are another matter. If she’s willing to send you topless shots (unsolicited) then it would be insulting not to look, right? At some point you need to sit her down and tell her how you feel about her, and explain to her that despite those feelings you’re not going to be that guy who fucks a soldier’s girl while he’s overseas.
As for the religious one, at some point you’re going to have to broach the subject of s-e-x (spelling it will help to soften the blow). If you really adore her then you’ll be willing to play by her rules, however if the mere mention of premarital sex truly offends her she might not be the one for you.
Dear Naked Football Sex Gods –
I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now and absolutely love the Thursday mailbag. I attended a wedding this past weekend and actually referenced the mailbag in conversation – which is odd in itself when you think about it. Primarily, I expressed how utterly surprised I was by the number of men who have sent in emails stating that they were willingly open to being with a partner who had a sexually transmitted disease that they did not share because they thought that person was “worth it”. My question is really what’s the protocol on telling someone your dating that you have an STD? Is it first date material or do you wait until you think there’s a chance that the relationship will stick? At least if you tell someone on the first date, it gives them a chance to run before they get emotionally involved. Part of me thinks if I was dating someone who told me after a month of dating that they had an STD that I would feel sucker-punched. Depending on the relationship, emotions start to become involved and the decision to stay becomes more of an emotional one than one based on logic. Six months later, not only are you likely to be left with a broken heart because you broke up but also a burning, sore-infested crotch. So when do you tell?
The first date is probably not the best time to tell somebody you have an STD. It’s too much information to be sharing about yourself, and some women might consider your admission to be a bit presumptuous. However you have to come clean when the relationship begins to turn sexual in nature. Hopefully that will occur sometime before your six month anniversary.
Football question – last year was my first year in a fantasy league and the league had 15+ owners (ed. note: so…16?). I faired fairly well so I don’t have many complaints. But I know there were a number of owners who didn’t like the league being that large. How large is too large for a league? And do you have any suggestions on how to make it a better experience for all the owners? On a bye week or with injuries, I was literally scraping to find players to fill slots. I started Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis for 2 or 3 weeks….’nuff said.
Andy Reid’s Girdle
12 is the perfect number of teams for a fantasy football league.
Hi Sugar Boogers,
Football: Are Clinton Portis, Southeast Jerome and Choo Choo worth a late first rounder this year? Last year, he proved he can still carry a team (first half of season), while also proving he is still old and injury-prone (second half of season). If he’s healthy, you can still count on 85 yds and a TD, eh?
Oh, you’re asking the wrong person. I’m a total homer and I love Clinton. That’s why I’ve only drafted him on one team over the years. He’s a great #2 back in smaller leagues, but I wouldn’t take him in the first round.
Doin’ it: I’ve had a girl for over a year now. Great girl, great sex, blah blah. The only thing is, she inexplicably despises my dog. And I love my dog, he’s the shit. At first, they were cool, but not so much now. When I ask her why, she says he annoys her. More recently, she likes to make its life miserable and brag about making it’s life miserable. I think it’s because she’s not white, so she doesn’t treat dogs like (or better than) family members. Anyhow, given my absolute adoration for my dog, should I ignore it and hope they somehow find an appreciation for eachother, report her to the Humane Society, or … ?
Caught In The Middle.
Wait…WHAT? You think she hates your dog because she’s not white? I have no clue what to say to that. Obviously you love your dog, so you need to explain to her that the dog is an important part of your life, and if she insists on making its life hell then the two of you probably aren’t going to work out.
Team Macho Borrachos,
The missus and I were discussing how much we like Doritos recently, and we agreed that we would eat practically anything if it was covered in a bunch of dorito dust. So now we are thinking of marketing a dorito dust sexual aid powder… given the large number of married perverts on here, we thought it would be an excellent way to test the market potential.
PROS: I would eat just about anything covered in dorito dust, would be excellent incentive to get partners to perform oral sex, analingus, etc
CONS: Extremely messy, and if used for cunninlingus very disgusting and potentially hazardous for feminine health and hygene
Does it have potential?
No, and frankly I’m a little bit disturbed right now.
Disturbed and hungry.
Disturbed, hungry, and horny.
HOLY SHIT, YOU MIGHT BE ON TO SOMETHING!
Do you know if anyone compiles stats by position after serious injury (by injury type)? For example, would help evaluate Dreamboat’s potential this year for fantasy football purposes if I could look up next season stats for (White Immobile QB + Knee Injury).
I do not know of any service that offers such a statistic, but your best bet would be to contact the fine folks at Football Outsiders. Just remember, everybody recovers differently.
That’s it for this week’s ‘bag. Until next time, stay sexy.