Draft Day Mailbag: Eric Ebron’s proposal, TV recaps, and conspiracy theories

05.08.14 3 years ago 151 Comments

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"White Power!"

Hello, and welcome to your Draft Day mailbag. I’m sorry to say that there was a disheartening dearth of emails this week, so I’ll put out this reminder again: ask us anything. Email us here.

While there are a couple emails to get to, I’ve filled some of the space with my DRAFT DAY THOUGHTS GRAB BAG! Yes! Get excited!

1. If you’d like some alternate media to ESPN and NFL Network, I’ll be part of SB Nation’s live show(s) running before and after the first round. I mean, OBVIOUSLY, you should be here at Kissing Suzy Kolber leaving comments, but if you could open up a second tab with our pre-/post show, that’d be cool. Here’s a little preview:

The details, in case you don’t want to watch that video: we’re live at 7:30 p.m. Eastern until the draft starts at 8:00, then again at 11:00 p.m. Eastern (if you’re in another time zone, please subtract hours accordingly). Please watch! I promise it will be fun and possibly even informative.

2. Eric Ebron, the consensus top tight end in the draft, proposed to his girlfriend at the top of the Empire State Building today.

The obvious target, here, is those pants. It looks like he killed a bunch of clowns, sewed their costumes together, then put it through a black and white filter. And what was he thinking with that t-shirt? (I’ll answer that: “More patterns!” Also, it’s SUPER foggy in NYC today; there’s no view to speak of at the top of the ESB today. (Nolan Nawrocki: “Engaged. Poor romantic judgment. Black.”)

Of course, our own Mr. Ape pointed out the cautionary tale of Russell Wilson, and maybe — just MAYBE — it’s not wise to get married when you’re 22 and standing on the precipice of newfound fame and riches. Actually, I don’t typically recommend that ANY 22-year-old get married, but there are certainly enough success stories to prove that lifelong love can take root at that age. SO: Congratulations to Mr. and the future Mrs. Ebron. I wish them nothing but happiness, unless he gets drafted by Steelers.

3. There has been much ado about draft picks choosing their own music, from KSK revealing the selections to ten suggestions for Jadeveon Clowney. I have one wish for tonight, and it is this: Teddy Bridgewater enters to “A Little Respect” by Erasure. I would glow from the inside with happy laughter if he did that.

4. Personally, as an NFL fan, I would be happy to go to the Bahamas on Thursday, then return Monday morning after three days of reading sci-fi on the beach, at which point I could just read up on the Seahawks’ draft class all at once. I don’t need the first-round draft grades, or the Kiper/McShay dynamic, or the hour-to-hour ennui between my favorite team’s picks. Just let me binge on information after a relaxing weekend.

But it doesn’t work that way. I’m now part of the machine, assimilated into the NFL media Borg, and so I will provide instant reactions and grade draft classes before they ever step on the field as professionals, in the process saying things that would be regrettable if anyone logged them and revisited them eight months later. This is how your sausage is made. All I can say is that at least this internet sausage is organic and humane. That ESPN shit is all nitrates and assholes.

5. Keep all of this in mind as you get worked up over draft grades and hot takes and busts and reaches. At least give your favorite team’s management the benefit of the doubt until training camp. Unless you’re a Browns or Redskins fan, I guess.

And now, your emails:


hey captain,
since your game of thrones reviews are legitimately the only reason i still watch the show, i was wondering the chances of you expanding your review repertoire to other more worthy shows, such as banshee, strike back or spartacus. all those shows easily lend themselves to your violence vs sex basis and frankly all are much more entertaining in my opinion. it seems like andy greenwald is able to write his complete and incoherent bumbling, rambling 8000 word opuses (or opi?) on some arcane scene in mad men. i am sure you can enlighten the masses on the beauty of sheriff lucas hood and his many loves. basically in sat format, andy greenwald:dan orlovsky::matt ufford:russell wilson.

in lieu of a bedroom related query, here is one of the more underrated women on banshee. it is unfortunately extremely safe for work.


please please please consider adding some more shows!!
hudhaifa ismaili (not really….but a fellow nu grad of your generation nonetheless)

Three things:

1. Thank you for reading my Game of Thrones scorecards. Your compliments have made me sufficiently uncomfortable.

2. The GoT scorecards are a fun way for me to dabble in my old TV-writing world during the football offseason. I don’t really have the time or desire to write more about TV, and I have no plans to get Showtime. I’m sure your shows are great, though.

3. Re: Andy Greenwald. If you don’t like someone’s writing, don’t read it. This is a secret to a longer and happier life. If you think Bill Simmons is long-winded and predictable, don’t read him. Same with Peter King and Gregg Easterbrook and anyone else who may be fun to hate-read. There’s now SO MUCH good and fun stuff to read online that you don’t have to fall into the dark well of loathing someone you’ve never met.


No fantasy question this week. Just hoping Jerry Jones manages to say something racist on tape so we can force him to sell the Cowboys.

It’ll never happen. Even before Adam Silver blew up Donald Sterling, David Stern had established the position of NBA commissioner as a don to be feared. Goodell would never take a stance like that. He’s a stuffed suit who caters to the bottom line, which is why Jimmy Haslam is a great guy and the Redskins name is totally fine. JERRAH would have to speak out about changing the game’s safety measures to protect the players in order to get any kind of censure.

Sex: I’ve been dating the same guy for nine months and he’s been great but lately he’s beginning to lose his goddamn mind. For the past month or so he has been really into conspiracy theories. Like, 9/11 is an inside job/Nazis are poisoning are drinking water with fluoride to make us slaves nutso conspiracy theories.

Oh, so you’re just going to dismiss them as “theories” when the EVIDENCE is RIGHT THERE on YouTube and several different message boards? Some girlfriend you are.

If I disagree I might as well be a member of the illuminati in his eyes. A few weeks ago after I went to sleep he stayed up all night watching Holocaust videos really loudly which, of course, gave me terrible nightmares.

Okay, I’ve read enough. You should break up with him.

He’s fallen into this obsessive YouTube hole and has stopped leaving his house. One day, he’s saying he’s a rastafarian and wants us to get dreds together. The next he says he wants to be a war photographer and move to Syria. It changes all the time. He’s like a completely different, CRAZY person. I love him and when he’s great he’s great

uh huh

but this is all really upsetting and he’s acting like a self-centered jackass who doesn’t even notice my needs. His friends say it’s just a phase but this has been going on six weeks now and I really have no idea what to do. I’m beginning to not even see him very much because my only option is going into his weird YouTube cave with him which is totally unappealing. I love him but this is so fucking dumb AND kinda scary. Do I break up with him? Do I wait the phase out? Do I try to help him?

-Not In The Illuminati

You’ve been dating nine months. Nine months is about 40 weeks, and he’s been part of the Alex Jones youth movement for six weeks. That means a full 15 percent of the time you’ve been with him, he’s been an insane moron. The acceptable percentage of time, in case you’re curious, is zero. ZERO.

You said that you love him, and “he’s great.” But you didn’t write about why you love him, or how he’s great. You wrote about how he’s an irrational idiot who ignores his girlfriend. Stop wasting your time, and dump him. There are literally MILLIONS of available men in this country who don’t need to be cajoled out of YouTube caves.

Thanks for reading, everyone. May your favorite team not do anything stupid tonight. Oh, and Colts/Redskins fans: remember, you didn’t LOSE a first-round pick, you gained Trent Richardson and one-third of Robert Griffin.

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