Better Know A Draft Pick: Michael Sam

02.12.14 4 years ago 75 Comments

Arizona State Sun Devils vs Missouri Tigers
The new Uncle Sam is bigger, blacker, and gayer. Deal with it.

First name: Michael

Last name: Sam

Those are both first names: I know.

That makes me very uncomfortable: You and me both, brother.

That kind of thing is unnatural, and he should not be allowed to marry, lest his spouse take his name and wind up with two first names: Welcome to Obama’s America.

Parents: Drunj. And proud!

What else we learned from that NYT interview: Denny’s is for eatin’, Applebee’s is for drinkin’.

Age: 24

Height: 6’2″

Weight: 255

Position: DE/OLB

College: Missourah

High school: Hitchcock (TX)

Year: RS Senior

Major: Parks, Recreation and Tourism

Favorite Parks and Rec character: He likes to hunt and fish, but I’m still saying Donna.

40 yard dash: ~4.74, give or take a tenth of a second


Which one of my open tabs is responsible for that noise?

Twitter: @MikeSamFootball

What his Twitter bio tells us: He hopes to be drafted.

What his tweets tell us: He appreciates the support, you guys.

Appropriate song that accompanies his YouTube highlight video: I have no idea. It sounds like entrance music for a generic WWE personality circa 1998.

Isn’t somebody going to make a more “festive” remix of that highlight package?: Probably

Potential Berman nicknames: Michael “I Am (In Love With)” Sam

Related search topics for “Michael Sam” in Google Image Search: All related to Missouri football.

Unrelated image that show up in Google Image Search: Michael Strahan dressed up like Samuel L. Jackson, which does nothing but make this guy’s job that much harder.

Nicest comparison: Aldon Smith
Most immature comparison: Gay Aldon Smith
Nathan Fiedler comparison: Dumb Aldon Smith
Unnamed NFL Scout Comparison : Johnny Weir. I only know that name because my wife was watching figure skating. During sex. With my wife. I’m married.

Strengths: Perseverance and courage
Weaknesses: Locker rooms full of naked guys.
I knew it!: It’s like a buffet for them, amirite?

Loved by: Liberals
Hated by: People who aren’t homophobic, just tired of having the big meaty gay agenda forced down their throat.

Where he’ll go: The Jets, strictly for the hilarious reactions at Radio City Music Hall.

What scouts are saying: Light in the feet. Wrists lack strength. Is it contagious?

Question he can be expected to answer over and over during Combine interviews: [attractive woman enters and begins to slowly undress] Is this doing anything for you?

Impact: Turns your first born son gay through osmosis, or something.

Top image via UPI.

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